Negative Emotions: Shame and Guilt

  This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

  Shame and guilt are separate emotions but often seem to come as a pair. Their definitions are similar and as follows.

  Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; the ability to feel guilt, regret, or embarrassment. It is also defined as dishonor or disgrace.

 Guilt is a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong.

   Both of these definitions were provided by the online version of the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Please note that shame is literally the ability to feel guilt. I picked the definitions appropriate to our post.

   Shame and guilt are some of the foremost feelings many survivors have about their abuse. These emotions can easily consume the entirety of some and are often the reasons that some forms of abuse go unreported. They make it difficult to share with others or seek help. The aspects of abuse that generate feelings of shame and guilt will vary for each person and depending on the social norms in their society. For example, men in Western societies often feel shame for physical and sexual abuse due to social perceptions of masculinity. [ A deeper look into this topic can be found here.] Various cultures place blame on female victims of rape, seeing the attack as a form dishonor; a direct opposition to the common perception in many western societies.

    Each survivor will experience shame and guilt for different reasons and at different times. The following paragraphs are personal experiences that our collaborators would like to share from their lives. We  invite readers to add their own experiences in the comment section.

   "It has always been a more guilt than shame for me. I kept my early sexual abuse to myself for a number of reasons, some of which were youthfully naive in hindsight. I thought of myself as the good girl, the responsible big sister, the good daughter helping after my parents divorced. It felt a lot like saying something would destroy my family as it was, like I was being selfish, because I could see how much my abuser contributed to our house financially and I had an idea how hard things could be otherwise. It also felt as if I had betrayed my custodial parent, since it was their significant other at the time, but it was still an adult giving directions. I was conflicted on what to do, how to behave and be the 'good girl'.

    We went to church a lot at the time and I was at the age where they begin to drum the abstinence and purity ideals into your head. I remember feeling like I had already messed up, that even my immortal soul was soiled by the confusing occurrences. 

  It took a while before I realized that I had been abused. There were not a lot of resources that I could find easily  at the time and a lot of misconceptions about abuse were the best I had to go on. It was mostly the sorts of things friends had been checked for by DCF (Department of Children & Families). I had no bruises, cuts, blood, or physical trauma to show and it had moments of being somewhat enjoyable even, which only made things worse. The guilt became unbearable for a time as I searched for salvation. It was infinitely complicated by the complex whirlwind that is puberty. I was very confused and depressed. I truly thought that the nightmares and building depression were a punishment from God. I prayed a lot for a while, but in the end I lost my faith in Christianity. I was very scared that if I told anyone that they would yell at me, maybe hit me or call me a liar. I could not imagine a compassionate response or that my parents would still love me. I finally told my best friends. I felt like I wanted to melt through the ground and end all existence. I wanted more than anything to cease to be. Not the desperate desire to end pain as when suicidal, a desire to simply undo all that I ever was. I simply wanted to not have been able to disappoint anyone or fail in this huge way. It felt as if there would never be any redemption for allowing this to happen, for my reactions, or for not figuring things out sooner.

    I still deal with moments of extreme guilt at times. It has lessened with the years but a lot of dealing with it has been a conscious effort. I began to learn more about abuse as a whole and tried to rationalize things. It helped me greatly to learn that your body will physiologically react to stimuli regardless of the origin of the stimulation. I learned that it is possibly for victims of sexual abuse and rape to orgasm from the assault. It is simply what your body is built to do, and in many ways the natural reaction helps to lessen physical damage. It can wreck you emotionally though.

   Ultimately, an odd book by my favorite author helped me with this. It has a female lead who has been repeatedly abused in a sexual manner; she is scared and unable to consummate her relationship with her husband because of it. The story takes place as they travel through alternate dimensions. She is on this other world talking with a female character who really enjoys sex, and where sex is viewed as a natural biological action. There isn't really any social taboos about sexuality, provided both parties consent. The have a conversation about their view points on sex and men, each reliving memories. The end bit of the conversation is about how the abused lead simply did what she had to in each situation and how it simply was not her fault that other people where bad, as rationalized by the other woman. She was forced to make difficult choices in harsh situations. Its a bit more complex than that but it helped me to read those words. It gave me some hope that the real world reaction would be the same. I liked the idea that I could take personal responsibility for my actions without it necessarily meaning that my actions lead to my abuse." -D.M.

  "Shame has been a big part of my experience.  I grew up in the South in the ‘70s, when calling a man gay or a fag was a huge insult.  Gay men, and gay behavior, were stigmatized in a way that I’m not sure those who are in their 20s can really grasp.  In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, when I was being abused, there was still largely a national media blackout on talking about gays and gay rights.  Gays were largely in the closet — only 24% of people surveyed said they knew anyone who was gay, compared to 76% today.

  Because I am a male who was abused by a male, my abuser used this stigma to help keep me from talking about it.  Even though I was not gay, and did not desire nor initiate any of the sexual activity that was done to me, I was called faggot, gay boy, cunt-face, and so forth by those who abused me. 

  The one time I called one of them a faggot, he threatened to cut my tongue out, and actually took a knife and made a cut on my tongue.  I still have the scar.
  I still battle feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which have affected my social and sexual relationships.  It’s hard to change the mental habits of a lifetime.  It’s made it difficult to advocate for myself, to discuss what was done to me, and makes discussions of sexual experiences painful." - T.

  "Shame has been a big part of my life for a long time; whether it was shame at being a disappointment to my family or the shame of letting myself get put into the situation where I could be abused. I believed that my abuse had been my fault and that I had brought it on myself. 

I was always told that if I let myself get taken advantage of, that I should just deal with it. So I tried. But I just felt like the slut I was called. It was even worse that I had to look into their knowing eyes every day at work. That they knew what they had done and that I had been powerless to stop them. 

It was even harder to admit to my friends and my now husband what had happened. I was so afraid they would believe I had wanted it or that I was lying. My husband has helped me accept that nothing was my fault and that what they did was unforgivable. It is a hard battle but it has gotten better. I have been able to be open with my husband and been able to trust again." -Nemo

[ It is important to note that many societies change over time as progress is made. This can make talking about certain type of abuse more difficult because the views on some issues at that time are now considered to be outdated and wrong. The effect is the same, even if the survivor never shared those views or is strongly against them. It is simply the way things were at the time.]

 The last part of this post is intended to provide survivors with some idea how to work past this particular emotion. A lot of these will have very similar answers in the end but we do hope that our stories will provide a base point for any survivor reading this.

  Guilt and shame are very difficult feelings to deal with. They perpetuate a feeling of isolation that makes seeking help much more difficult. Ideally, these issues are best dealt with by speaking with a professional therapist and educating yourself about the abuse suffered. A support group may also be helpful.  Sharing with a sympathetic audience, as discussed previously here, can be a great help for feelings of guilt and shame. The experience of positive reactions counter to expectation can be a great help for survivors with feelings of guilt and shame. Many of the negative emotions are a matter of personal introspection to get past, guilt and shame take courage to admit to and then active practice to move beyond.

Negative Emotions: An Introdution

  This post is the introduction to our section on negative emotions. This section will be largely for the survivors themselves. It will be a means to define and discuss the various negative emotions that a survivor may experience daily and any ways we can work past them.

    Negative emotions are any emotions that do not feel good. They are the 'bad' feelings or painful parts of life. This section is dedicated to those emotions, particularly the ones that relate to surviving abuse.

  The negative emotions we will cover are as follows:

• Shame and Guilt
• Anger and Rage
• Powerlessness
• Anxiety
• Loneliness
• Low Self-esteem/ Self-worth

 [Self-harm, suicidal tendencies, and disassociation will all be covered in more detail in future posts. If any of these are your current concern, please message us and we will get you the information you need.]

  It is not uncommon for these emotions to manifest themselves at inopportune moments and for them to be described as 'inner voices'. The majority of people referring to this do not mean actual voices that some people suffering from schizophrenia experience, but rather a persistent thought or train of thought. These thoughts may be an unwanted interruption to life or something one dwells on, either way, its as if one's conscience decided to go haywire.

  These 'inner voices' may continually remind a survivor of their negative feelings or regrets regarding their abuse. It could be as though their own mind were taunting them. This is often were logic and emotion disagree, leading to conflicted feelings and memories.

  This section will explore those emotions and give light to those voices.

"It Could Be Worse." It is the moment you say those words.

  This post is specifically for listeners and loved ones. It is the flip side of "Are You Okay?"

   There are many times in life that we find ourselves on the receiving end of a difficult disclosure. It could be finding out about someone passing away, a tragic accident, or any number of other situations. It can be very hard to find the right words at those times. We may wish to offer comfort or provide perspective and find ourselves relying on an old cliche. This post is about why those cliches are damaging.

   Let us all begin by acknowledging that each one of us is in a physically, emotionally, financially, or mentally better place than another person on this planet. We are also worse than another person on this planet. We are neither in the best nor worst position. This state of being will be the case from the moment you are born until the moment you die. It is simply a fact of life. Life is not fair and we all must get past that.

   That being said, it is important that we all try to have some sense of perspective. This can be very difficult for many people for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we want to remind someone to count their blessings rather than their sorrows. An understandable sentiment but one which has given us a number of unfortunate phrases.

  These phrases are intended to express that one person believes the other needs some perspective. This might be true but many times the uses of these phrases does not convey that concept. It rather says to the survivor that their experience was not "tragic" enough to warrant the very complex and difficult after effects. These effects range from mild depression to suicidal thoughts. They can include violent impulses, nightmares, disturbing flashbacks, and even be expressed as a number of mental disorders. Everyone has their own tolerance for trauma; thus everyone will get a slightly different mix of effects. These effects can be highly unpleasant.

 The following phrases have each been suggested by a collaborator based on their person experiences. These are things that someone told one or more of us as we attempted to share our stories and experience. We can each attest to how hurtful they were and how they made us feel very alone at times. It is very isolating to experience unpleasant after effects that no one wants to help you weather.

  The phrases are as follows:

• It could be worse.
• At least you're still alive...
• That happened a long time ago, you should be over it.
• Worse things happen to people everyday.
• If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else.
• [Abuser] would never do that.
• It couldn't have been that bad, he/she didn't beat you.
• You must have done something to ask for it.
• Why didn't you just ______ ? 

 These phrases cover a variety of reactions. Some are intended to provide perspective, some are denial, some are misunderstand and some are just attacks. Each of them creates an issue for the survivor who hears them. They can suggest the abuse was less severe than it was, show a complete lack of understanding, come off as callous, basically call the survivor a liar, or just bring up bad memories. It can even feel like a push for more details very quickly, something that more survivors aren't likely to do. It makes a difficult scary situation into a terrifying game of wanting to be believed vs. sharing too quickly.
 
   Many times, survivors do wish that things either hadn't happened or had been the obvious sort of 'bad' that everyone else can recognize. There are many forms of abuse that leave no physical marks and are socially considered to be 'less' damaging. They are not less anything. Furthermore, a survivor may have very conflicted feelings about their abuse. They may be second guessing a lot of their own actions and memories to begin with. On the whole, survivors don't want worse things to happen to other people and they are not trying to take away from the severity of other tragedies. It should be enough that our own trauma has a level of severity that should be taken seriously without acting as if we should be grateful it wasn't worse. Honestly, sometimes worse seems easier, more clear cut to explain and easier to find support for.

  Something to consider for those who read this as a loved one, care taker, or authority figure.

 Finally, if you find yourself thinking of saying something along the lines of " It could be worse." Consider instead saying, " I know this is really difficult for you, but can we take a moment to focus on some of the positive things in your life, like _________." This helps to redirect the survivor to more positive thoughts without belittling their feelings or experience. The other responses show that the listener either doesn't understand the severity of abuse in general or is not the best person to confide in the begin with.


                  **********************************************************
   This last little section is to address the responses that male survivor sometimes get when they reveal that their abuser was female.

• I wish that'd happened to me.
• That's awesome!
• How did you get with an older chick?
• I love [ explicit sexual act ].

  First off, a woman is capable of sexually assaulting or raping a male. Second, arousal is a physical response that many of us have no real control over, consider 'morning wood' or 'workout orgasms'. This automatic physical reaction is not a yes for women, nor for men.

  That being said, our society places a lot of importance on men being macho. It is socially acceptable and even desirable for a man to be with many sexual partners; particularly if they are skilled in some way. A portion of our population thinks that anytime a male is sexual interacting with a female, that it must be pleasurable and wanted by the male. Also, that a man could or would never actually be overpowered or violated by a woman. That is not the case and expressing that as a listener you wish you were in a position to be sexually assaulted or raped- you have shown a complete lack of sensitivity and awareness of serious social issues. Basically, anything that sounds like "I wish it had happened to me," is going to show you have no idea how devastating it is to have no control over your situation or body. It shows you have never even considered that you could be forcibly held down or drugged.

  My only suggestion for this one is, DO NOT SAY IT! I don't care what you are thinking- keep your mouth shut. You are going to do way more harm than good with this one. I suggest some serious research on your part to become better informed. Do not ever tell a survivor that you wish you had experience their abuse. Its beyond not acceptable.


 

How to Communicate: Sharing

  Sharing your story as a survivor can be a most conflicting experience. It feels like an impossible task, being both terrifying and compelling. This choice to share is a deeply personal one, and the way it unfolds can have a huge impact.

 There are a lot of factors to consider when sharing your story. The most important one of all is how you feel about sharing. Sharing will not necessarily be this huge painful event, nor will it necessarily be a huge relief. Rather, it will be somewhere on the spectrum between the two. Your story, when told aloud, will become more real than you have ever imagined in some ways, but it will also lose some of its emotional hold over you.

   The best way to get a read on how you feel about sharing is to pick a quiet place, go there alone, and act it out. Imagine the person you would want to tell is there with you, and actually say the words out loud so you can hear them. Start with something simple such as, "I was abused." The shorter and simpler your opening statement, the easier it will be to just 'jump into' it. Play out the whole conversation in your head and as many reactions as you can imagine. Talk every one of them out. Consider if any of those scenarios helped you to feel better in a way, or if they hurt more than you can tolerate. Sharing may be easiest when you reach a point of "I cant stand the silence/lying anymore," or " I need to tell someone." These feelings will give you more drive to share your story.

  The second most important factor in sharing about your abuse, is deciding who to share your story with. Ideally, the best person to share with is someone who will listen quietly, ask only intelligent and necessary questions, be empathetic, and can keep appropriate confidence. This may not be a family member or close friend.

       Individuals who have done some soul searching and decided that legal action will be necessary (particularly if your abuser has access to other potential victims) will need to pick an authority figure who can be trusted to listen and take appropriate action. This can be any number of persons depending on your situation. It might be a parent, a teacher, a member of clergy, a police officer, a social worker or a doctor. Many of the people in these roles are legally obligated to report suspicion of abuse. Women in particular may find their best opportunity is in their doctor's office, and many medical professionals are given training for such circumstances. I strongly recommend using our link here to familiarize yourself with what will happen after you disclose your abuse, no matter who you choose to disclose it to.

  Some survivors may find themselves in situations where legal action is not their chosen course, or could jeopardize their safety. These individuals may choose to share their story with a friend, a family member, a therapist (some of which may be legally required to report abuse), or other survivors. It is very important to take time to honestly consider the pros and cons of the person you choose to confide in and why. You are looking for someone who can keep confidence, have an open mind, comfortably handle your story and empathize with you. Avoid persons who habitually engage in unhealthy behaviors (such as name calling or shaming you), or who put you in awkward positions. Anyone who is prone to gossip may also be a bad choice. Avoid people who might behave violently toward you. Ultimately, you will make this decision, but think about how you would feel if they tell other people, proceed to shame you, or call you names. These are all very hurtful actions that can negatively impact you and the whole sharing experience.

   Once you have decided if you are ready to share and who you want to share with, you need to decide how you want to share. This will vary greatly depending on whether you are taking legal action or not. Those of you seeking legal action in the U.S.A., please use this link to guide you in how to proceed. Those of you seeking legal action in the U.K. can find more information here.

   There are many ways to share your story with another person. Each has its pros and cons, so choose the one that will work best for you. I advocate face to face conversations if you can handle them. It allows you to connect with another person and then allows them to provide tangible comfort if needed. Writing a letter or email can be a less personal way to share your story, as it will offer a bit of a buffer if you need to work on your confession in bits and pieces. You can even combine the two and write a letter, then read it outloud. Some people may find that creating something artistically helps them present their truth to others, since it begins the conversation in a way. This can be a painting, a sculpture, a song, or a poem, among many other things.

   Once you decide to share your story you will follow many of the steps mentioned in 'How to Communicate; Asking About Abuse'. Pick a safe and somewhat quiet place to talk. Make sure that both you and the person you plan to tell are in a calm emotional state and receptive to what may become an emotionally intense conversation. Try to remain calm throughout, and stop if you need to. Be prepared for the listener to need time to digest what you say. Consider that they may respond in a number of ways, some negative and some positive.

  The conversation of abuse should be started in a simple way, much like you practiced alone. A short statement of fact. Allow your listener to absorb that information and then consider asking them if you may tell them the rest of your story. Keep in mind that others may have a similar past or be unwilling to listen. Give your listener a chance to make that decision on their own. Someone who chooses to engage you in this way is more likely to provide you with positive support.

  The conversation from that point could unfold in a number of different ways. You may find that you can continue very calmly, you may become very emotional being angry or sad, or you may choke up. Try not to rush yourself and move at the pace that is best for you. It is a complicated process and you may find yourself admitting some darker inner feelings such as worthlessness or feeling used. [These feelings will be further discussed in their own posts shortly.]

     Personally, I felt very guilty. I openly admitted to feeling like a bad person, as if I had asked for the abuse. I truly thought I deserved in it in some way. That made it very difficult to express. It wasn't as if I had any feeling of self worth and I didn't feel I deserved worth. These things are not true, and over time I came to have a better understanding of why I felt that way and how to get past those issues, but when I first told someone; It was overwhelming.

   It is perfectly okay to stop sharing because it hurts too much. The conversation may become an ongoing one, where you share as you can. This process is about you and about coming to terms with your own story. It is complicated to say the least but it is very much worth it. Try to remain as calm as possible and don't be overly graphic to begin with. Take deep breaths and stick to the facts as much as you can. Detail what happened and how you felt about it, try not to make assumptions about your abuser's motives.

   Sharing is an incredibly personal process. It is very difficult to give hard and fast rules on how to share. The steps mention in this post are meant as guidelines to help you begin your conversation. In the end, this conversation will be unlike any you have ever had and yet like so many others.


Anyone who has shared is invited to add suggestions in the comments section of this post.

"Are you okay?" : The loaded question

  This post is somewhat related to the communication series we are currently working on. Nonetheless, it is directly related to How to Communicate: Asking about Abuse . The most frequently asked question that people use when asking about someone's emotional state is "Are you okay?"

  "Are You Okay?" is a loaded question despite it seeming like a binary one. Obviously, most people expect a yes or no answer. The problem is that okay has about four definitions, and generically means that one is neither very good, nor very bad.

   A survivor has an emotional range extending between soul crushing agony to I-can't-breath to almost normal to content to happy. Keeping that in mind, does okay mean that I won't burst out crying right now even though I kind of want to die? Does it mean that I can probably keep pretending to smile for the rest of my work shift? Does it mean that I don't feel like self harming or outright suicidal right now? Those can all be middle ground emotions for a survivor, but that probably isn't the 'okay' the one asking is looking for.

  The person asking that question probably wants to know if the person they are talking to has a grip on their emotions, and will be able to say they are happy at some point in the near future. No. And many times, the answer will be "No." if you are a survivor. That is not to say that every survivor is living in a miserable state of depression, but rather that like everyone else, we cycle through a lot of emotions every day. There are times when we reach a trigger - perhaps the anniversary of something traumatic, and our emotional state becomes compromised. [ A section dedicated to triggers will be posted in the future. It is strongly recommended that Loved Ones read it. ]

  The best example that I have of what "okay" means some days, is actually a post from my personal blog, one I share with a select few. Today, I am going to share that with you, my readers. The day I wrote this next paragraph was a day that I went to work and was "okay". I talked to people, did my job, didn't cry, and went home.

 "Somedays I just want to scream. I dont want to censor or silence myself. Its beyond longing to simply release the feral beast trapped within. She is not a quiet, passive person. She rages, slamming against the walls of her prison while snarling and clawing any happiness nearby. She need not be provoked for simply being awake is enough to draw forth a mighty anger bore from the darkest reaches of my own soul. Today, today I want to scream. I dont want to reason with those I love or hope for their acceptance. Somehow today I want to scream to the overcast skies that there are still unhealed wounds, that I can not bear the saline words ground into them. The silent denial of truths that rock my world, the blissful ignorance of the black abyss monster always poised to drag me under the churning waves. The endless nights laying awake because I can feel the shadows settle as my demons hover over me waiting to lead a legion of nightmares into my slumbering mind. Its the conflict of the primal being as she struggles with her rational form. Its the cramped box of expectation as the air runs out.

Today, today I want to scream. I want to roar, leave my throat raw with the rage I hold inside. Today I dont want to smile and lie."  - Feb. 2013 

                                                                                       -D.M.

    Asking "Are You Okay?" welcomes a confession and encourages a lie. The person asking the question is probably not ready for a confession, yet a lie can be incredibly isolating to a survivor. Think about your closest family, your dearest friends, and the person you love. When you ask them if they are okay, you probably want a truth. You want to know their thoughts and feelings at that moment. You are looking for a confession.

   Now, consider your classmates, coworkers, customers, or casual acquaintances.  Imagine asking one of them if they are okay. Perhaps they are a bit too quiet today. Suppose that instead of saying yes or no, that they started to cry and tell you that they woke up from a nightmare of being brutally beaten, nearly to death, even when they begged their attacker to stop. Imagine that that attacker was someone who really existed, perhaps a parent or lover to this person. I doubt that many of us are ready for that type of disclosure. Those of us asking are not ready for that answer, or any like it. It breaks the social convention that someone should share something so intimate on a whim. It was loaded, there was no way we could know what would be said. I have been the one to ask this very question.

  I have been the one shocked by a moment of intimate words that I had no way to relate to or comfort to offer. No apologies or cliches could come to mind. I stood there unwilling to be closer to that person, unable to help or understand. I had basically reached out offering help and found that my lifeline was nothing more than a frayed bit of twine. I wasn't ready for the answer to the question I had asked." Are You Okay?" -D.M.

I have also asked others, survivors that I know and care about, this very question out of genuine concern. Either the response was half-hearted and rang hollow of the truth, or it seemed to inspire a moment of agony before the person burst into tears as their fear of answering and upsetting me or driving me away finally broke the dam of emotions pent within them. Though I know that they knew the question for what it meant, I could tell that they resented me in that moment of genuine concern and good intentions. -J

  And I have been the one to answer.

   I have stood quietly doing my job when I wanted to scream and had a coworker ask me if I was okay. I said no, because I woke up from a nightmare so violent that it made me physically sick. That I was tired of this special hell that comes to me when I sleep. He is a nice man but he was not ready for that answer. It felt good to say it out loud but then to realize that I had upset someone who I rather liked. I could see he had no answer for me, and no comfort. It made me feel sad and alone. I had tried to reach out to another person but they couldn't understand this very personal hell I was in. It was a moment of despair. The question had seemed so like a glimmer of light on such a dark day. But, I had broken that social contract. I had failed to answer him the way he expected. I had to, I couldn't bear to lie even once more about this. I was sick of pretending.

  Alternately, I have stood there and lied. I have said a million times over, day and day out that I was okay. I knew that I wasn't okay. I knew that I was no where close to believing my own lie and that perhaps if one more trigger hit, that I would crave an oblivion from which there was no return. It was isolating, miserable, and the place from which that abyss monster comes. That echoing silence that seems unbearable and infinite. It was killing every worthwhile part of me, but I lied because I didn't know how to handle the discomfort of a broken social contract. I did this for well over a year until I was forced to explain why I needed an escort to my car at night. -D.M.

      One thing I've found useful is to answer with, "Not right now, but it's all right.  I'll be okay later," or some variant thereof.  This both serves to reassure the person I'm speaking to, and, to be honest, it reassures me a little.  It's a reminder to myself that this will pass, and I will feel okay again.   - T.

    I have come to truly feel that asking if someone is okay is one of the biggest loaded questions we could ever ask. Our society has created a social contract where this question has two meanings, one to our intimate circle and one for everyone else. Those in that outer circle should not answer honestly, but with a binary yes or no. We really haven't been taught how to respond when the answer is beyond that. There is no way to win on either side of that question.

  For me, "are you okay?" is at the same time a welcome and dreaded question.  From people I'm close to, I welcome it - the chance to share and get some support.  Sometimes, just knowing that someone cares enough to honestly ask if I'm okay can be a lift. On the other hand, with strangers or acquaintances, all too often I feel like I have to lie, to say I'm okay at times when I'm really not.  Sometimes, if I know it's absolutely visible that I'm not okay, I lie about why I'm not okay, saying that I'm feeling sick or something like that.

  These days, I tend to divide people up into three groups for how I respond - strangers and acquaintances who I lie to; friends who I will tell that I'm not feeling okay, but not go into detail with; and those who I will talk to in detail. In my case, things get complicated by the fact that I still don't feel like I can be completely open with everyone I'm close to about my experiences.  I was abused by my uncle, and bringing that up with my family is just too much of a potential minefield for me right now.

                                                                        - T.

   The best way to move around this loaded question seems to be using more specific questions in it's place. T says it well.

 For loved ones, I'd suggest that asking more specific questions can be helpful - as D.M. writes, 'okay' can cover a broad reach of ground, so it can be easier to answer specific questions, or even if given a bit of framing.  For example, "I've noticed you're staring off into space a lot.  Is there something on your mind you'd like to talk about?", or "I'm worried about how down you've seemed lately.  Are you okay?"  This expresses an interest beyond the simple polite "are you okay?" and can make it easier to open up.

   Also for loved ones, touch can make it easier for someone to open up.  Even something as simple as taking their hand can be a huge help.  If you're unsure, ask.  If they pull away, don't pursue.  Remember, if you're dealing with someone who's been abused, they have many memories of hurtful and hateful touching, and sometimes those memories can be overwhelming, even with someone they love.

  While not common, dissociative disorders are sometimes a complication for those who have been abused, and can make the question of "are you okay?" very difficult to answer for those of us who are also dealing with them.  I think that deserves deeper treatment in relation to dissociative disorders in general, though, so I'll talk about that in a future post. [ A section on dissociative disorders largely written by T. will be included as a later section. If this subject is of interest to you, please comment and we will get you more information.]

  

About Sharing: A Personal Perspective

  I have started to write "How to Communicate: Sharing" about six times now. I always falter about two paragraphs in.  I wanted the readers here to know that I am putting a lot of thought into this next post. August is just not my month and some family issues have made writing a back burner activity for a bit.

  Here are some of my rambling thoughts on sharing and my personal experiences in the matter. The next post should be an actual how to.

  "  Sharing is such a personal experience and its incredibly unique to everyone. There are basics that I can provide as a template but that is about all. Those basics will help as much as anyone can help to do what seems like an impossible task.

   I can not tell you how many times I started to say something and couldn't. I never wanted to hurt those I loved and I still avoid mentioning my past when I am with some of my family. These people love me unconditionally. They are part of my past, and there are cycles of dysfunction that facilitated some of the places I have ended up. I do not blame them in any way. I have spent a long time thinking things over and trying to empathize with their situations. I wont say that I haven't been bitter or angry, because I have. It was just beyond me to want to hurt another person if I could avoid it.

  That being said, I have always been a writer. I have a number of poems that allude to the truth. I have blogs, journal entries, and songs. They were always out for others to see, and I always wanted someone to ask me what those things were about. I thought that maybe it would easier if I didn't actually start the conversation. Many times I was asked if I had a problem (like drinking) or if I was okay. I never could answer those questions with more than a yes or no.  I have had my parents miss huge red flags. And I have even outright lied about things before.

  I spent some time attending church. I loved sunday school and I really wanted to find that salvation that is often preached about. I really wanted that solace and close bond with a higher being. I read all of my childrens bible and much of an adult one. Ultimately it was a bible verse that ended my faith. I found a verse about how rape victims were to be treated. It destroyed me for a bit. I felt like if the church and god couldnt forgive me for this secret I felt that I had to keep, then maybe no one would. 

    I never did find solace in the church and drifted into a very dark place for a while. It was at one of the lowest points of agony in this darkness, that the sunshine took away my misery. I can't say how or why but it was as if the light in the leaves just lifted a huge burden from me. I did not feel whole, nor did I feel healed. Only that the lion's share of pain was gone. It was soon after that moment that I found the trinkling, tiny amount of strength in me to say something for real and outloud to another person.

  I can't remember now how I came to it. I was sitting outside the local library, on the ground, between my two best friends. I took a deep breath and then another before I could even spit out the simple sentence that I had been abused. It felt like time stopped. It was real now. One of my friends, my best friend to this day, had to leave at some point. The other friend ( who would become my second abuser when we dated) asked if I wanted to talk about it. I tried to tell my whole story. The words seemed to flow out of me in this halting horrible way. It came to a point where he just begged me to stop. He said he couldn't bear to hear more of it. Thinking back, well that was the worst part. The part where he asked me to stop talking was the worst part of everything. 

  I didn't feel relieved at the time. I felt scared, terrified really. It took time before I felt okay again. I realize that the more I admitted to that part of my past, the easier it was to bear. I reached out to girl in one of my classes who seemed like she needed a friend and I told another friend about it. I never went into detail again. I still remember the abuse in detail, but the telling of it is fading. 

   I won't promise that telling your story is painless or a relief. Its terrifying and it hurts. It rips your heart out a little and yet somehow manages to stitch together a bit of your soul. It makes a nightmare into a reality, but also allows you to move past it in some ways. 

  Today, I have a more colorful past and I have survived more abuse. I am also a million times more willing to tell my story. I am better for it. I have met a number of other amazing people who have stories similar to my own. The telling of this silent truth I had kept for so long, it freed a portion of me that hated the lying and has allowed me to grow as a person. It has given me a unique and wonderful support system. 

  Sharing my story took more strength than I ever imagined having, but not once have I regretted it. I have been required to speak to police officers and talk to attorneys. I have been called a liar, even. I am scared to visit my home town sometimes but its been worth it all. I have saved lives, helped other people,and made the world a better place. 

   So today, as a survivor, I am proud to say that I routinely cause open debates about abuse in my workplace. I have memorized help resources and given out that information to those who have needed it. I have sat and talked to friends who had no one else. And I write this blog. I am so incredibly proud to be here in this way, telling my story, that even my family knows it is here. "

                                                                                              -D.M.

"     I’ve never shared my whole story.  I’ve doled it out in chunks to different people — some have gotten most of it, but I don’t think there’s anyone who’s heard it all.  It’s been painful, sometimes.  It’s been hard to ask people to listen, and sometimes telling it has been painful, leaving gouges that last for days.

     I’ve lost a friend, trying to share with her — but I’ve made others, and discovered new depths of friendship with other friends I’ve had.

    Overall, it has helped.  I’m getting better, and opening up has been a part of that process.
But I still lie to people.  My family doesn’t know, and probably never will.  It’s habit to tell people that I feel okay, even when I don’t.  It’s habit to deflect and talk about other things.

     I’m not ready to share my story openly with everyone — but I want to share more with the people I have shared with.

                   That’s about all I can say right now."

                                                                                                            - T.

How to Communicate: Asking about Abuse

  The first four posts of the How to Communicate series give the basics on how to have a conversation, when to have a conversation, how to word things, and how to express discomfort. These basics are intended to create a safe, respectful place for conversations to be had. They are the building blocks for successful communication.

  This post is very specifically for loved ones who are asking someone about their past abuse. Those of you who are reading as an authority figure or concerned friend who possibly needs to report abuse you can find more information specific to that issue here. Please use that resources.

    Asking about abuse is a very delicate process. Ideally, the person you are talking to has already shared a little bit about their past and have shown an openness to sharing. The most important part of asking is compassion. Take some time to consider how scared, upset, angry, frustrated, or hurting your loved on might be feeling. It is unlikely that you completely understand the depth of that feeling without your own experience. You are about to ask them to relive some very painful moments and going into that you need to consider how you would like to be treated if roles were reversed. They may choose not to respond at all or shut down.

   When will you ask if the second consideration. Aim for a time that your loved one is relaxed, fairly calm, and in a decent mood. Pick a time where they have alone time, will have alone time later, and will not be completely without support. Try for a time where they have minimal responsibilities to attend to but not so much free time that you will be leaving them in a dark place for days.If they are nightmare prone, morning is better than evening.

   You have sorted out the proper when and now you need to decide on where. We discuss finding that 'right' place in the How to Communicate: Social Situations blog. This is the same process. Pick somewhere neutral but safe feeling. Home is not the best choice because it can feel too confining and might 'taint' the safe feeling later. I recommend a local park, nearby cafe, or diner personally. These places provided limited distraction, but have a clear escape. Some people like to fiddle with things when they are uncomfortable and these places have such outlets. Be sure the location you have chosen is free of interruptions and will allow you plenty of time for the ensuing conversation.

  How do you ask once you are where you need to be at the right time? You begin with your nonverbal cues. Uncross your arms, look at your loved one, consider holding their hand. Begin by making them feel loved and that this is an open sharing space.

  What do you say though? It depends largely on what you already know and what you plan on doing with that information. Information needed for legal reasons or to report a suspicion will need to be collected in a very specific way. Please use the link here to find out more about that process and what to do.

  Asking out of concern or to reach out is a different more organic process. Supposing you just have suspicions of abuse you might say something like, " I have been noticing that you seem [ sad/angry/down/etc] lately and was wondering why. I hate seeing you like this and want to help." The answer might not be what you expected, particularly if the person is not yet ready to share.

  Supposing you are aware that 'something' bad happened with someone but the details are vague and you are confused. Your dialog might begin with, " You have mentioned that ____ happened with/by ____. I am a little confused about what happened but I really want to help you move past it. Would you mind explaining more or telling me how I can help?" The answer here could be more vague than you want or just a list of things like hugs and friends that they need to feel close to. They may choose not to talk about things now but will mention it again later.

   Now, suppose you know that your loved one was abused. It was in the news or they said as much. You are curious what happened, you want to help, or you think they can help someone else. There is a good chance that this survivor already has a set response to questions. They may be very quiet about it or very open. A good line is, "I heard about _____. I want you to know that I am here for you if you want me to be." Or " I know that you do/dont like to talk about ____. I understand that. I know ____ went through something similar and could use a friend like you sometime." Responses to these lines will vary by how open the person is about their past. They may share and offer to answer any question you have or ask you to mind your own business. Graciously accept whatever response you get.

 Our collaborator T. would like to add that in all of these scenarios it is entirely possible to get a very negative reaction to your questions. His advice is as follows.

  My thought here is that while a negative reaction may not be something you can control, you can communicate about it in a positive way - and that's what this is really about: positive communication.  -T.

   You managed to work out when, where and how to ask. You worked up the nerve to just spit it out and now you are waiting for a response. They could do any number of things or say anything.  Be ready for anger, fear, guilt, relief, or tears. They might joke about their past even. Now, your job is to practice the listening we mentioned in the basics blog. You want to give them all your attention, respond promptly, and do not react emotionally. Do not defend or blame anyone, allow them to simply speak their piece on the matter. You may ask questions when prompted but try to avoid asking for graphic details. Be prepared to ask them to stop if it gets to be too much for you.

   Think about how you'd like someone to communicate with you if the situations were reversed, and try to model your communication after that. Not being accusatory, belittling, and so forth. -T.


   Once you have heard their story, take time to absorb it. Do not treat it as gossip, or use it to start drama. This person has trusted you with something very personal. You may find that the new information you have needs to be told to an adult or authority figure. Keep in mind that the survivor you talked to might truly feel their life is in danger so be sensitive when alerting authorities. They may choose not to be your friend after that.
 
  Asking about abuse is a very delicate process that can go in many directions. It inspires a lot of emotions and thoughts in the survivor. Ultimately, your job as the person asking is to remain emotionally even, be compassionate, and provide a safe place to share. These things help a victim turn into a survivor, by encouraging them to share again in the feature. It gives them another safe place to turn to.

How To Communicate: Expressing Discomfort

    There are a number of social skills we are taught as we grow up and receive our formal education. We largely live in a society that promotes positive reactions and emotions while ignoring a need to express negative ones. Negative reactions do not have to be harsh, mean, or exceedingly blunt. They encompass more than merely expressing anger or fear, but also learning how to say no, how to express alternate interest, and how to express discomfort. Many people use the concept of a "white" lie in place of learning these skills.

  Expressing discomfort and saying no to answering questions can be very hard for survivors. We live in a society where positive emotion is very wanted while anything sad or hurting is perceived as weak. It can be infinitely easier to say "I am fine" rather than " Please stop, this is bothering me." The second statement can feel like you are asking for mercy or giving another person power to hurt you. It is true that someone can continue to say or do things that bother you, but you have now given yourself a socially acceptable out. You can walk away, terminate contact, or report this behavior to higher ups when in a professional setting. In many ways you are giving yourself the power to act rather than allow yourself to be hurt in this way.

 I personally do not care for the white lie reaction. I spent a long time pretending bad things didn't happen and sometimes those white lies make me feel like I am back in that places. I am pretending for other people again, which is unfair to me. I do not deserve to hurt, be made uncomfortable, or be deprived of human understanding for actions that I did not ask for or want. -D.M.

   The next question is what is discomfort?

      It is to make someone uncomfortable or uneasy. This can be done in a variety of ways such as insulting language choices, graphic descriptions of violence or sex, persistent conversation of strong views, menacing behavior, invasion of personal space, or use of personal information in a nefarious way. The continued asking of personal questions, slander of a person, or threats can also be discomforting. Essentially, it is anything that makes the recipient feel uneasy, unsafe, or generally bad.

   Survivors of abuse will find themselves in situations where they are uncomfortable. Many of these can be resolved by stating the discomfort as the other person may not even realize that are doing anything. Each person has pet peeves and many survivors have personal triggers that are social acceptable behaviors, and many times the other person is not trying to be invasive. Simply saying " Excuse me, but it makes me uncomfortable when people ___________, could you please stop?" will solve many problems. This sentence makes it clear that your issue isn't personal to the offender. This line is really good for people who have new triggers or unusual ones. " May we please leave? I find _____ unsettling." is also an acceptable out in certain social situations. No one needs the full story why this bothers you, but a simple explanation that something is bothering you is helpful.

  A personal example is that I am very particular about who I allow in my personal space. I am nervous when men I do not know well are too close to me. Personal space is a cultural concept and varies from one and a half feet to four feet around a person. I generally want to have enough space that I can literally run around or away if I need to. This can be difficult in business and academic settings. I found the best way to express my discomfort here is with a joke. "I don't have a bubble, I have a trapezoid. You are standing in my trapezoid." is often a catchy enough phrase that it is remembered and different enough that people step away while laughing. -D.M.

   A survivor might find themselves dealing with a very nosy person. Someone who has a general idea of what happened but wants details. They may not realize that details are painful blow by blow recaps or they may not care. The best response here is something like, " Please stop asking questions. I do not wish to recount those details, they make me sad and are not anyone else's concern." or "Why do you ask?" Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. You might find that they are trying to understand, or need help themselves. Other times it catches them off guard.

  Another situation that survivors might find themselves in is defense of an abuser or a blame situation. The purpose of expressing discomfort here is for the social out. Its the nice way of saying "I'm done bitch." This is someone who is not interested in hearing your side of things or who is in denial. The best response is something like " I understand what you are saying but I disagree. Clearly we will not be agreeing and I think its best if I go now." The other person may be calling you names, blaming you, making you feel guilty but using this line or one like it puts you on the high road. Ultimately, if guilt is to be legally established, it will be in a courtroom where such behavior is not allowed. Do not try to fight over this, its not worth it to you and it wont change their mind. Trying to do so might be incredibly damaging to a survivor however.

  The key with expression here is to remain polite, state your issue and then either move on or move away. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing or asking someone to stop,  you just have to do it in a positive way.

 The opposite side of the discomfort circle is what to do if you are a loved one listening to a survivor. You are probably aware that this person is sharing a very personal and intimate part of themselves. You may be trying very hard to be supportive but feel that the conversation is detrimental to yourself. It is okay to express discomfort here as well and doing so in a compassionate way will prevent this from being a painful experience for both of you. Wait a moment until a natural pause in the conversation and say something along the lines of...

  " I am sorry to interrupt. I know this is hard to share and I appreciate that you trust me enough to do so. I do not feel that I am the right person or capable of being here as much as you need me to be. May we stop here for now? I want to help you find someone who can be there in the way you need. ( or I want to hear the rest but need some time to absorb this.) "

  This statement conveys that you still want to help. That you are not abandoning the speaker. You simply can not handle this situation or you need time. It may seem harsh but I assure you it is infinitely better than when I was told "please, please stop. Its killing me to hear your story." My friend couldn't hear it but I was living it. It broke my heart because it felt like he didn't care at all. -D.M.

  The level of information at which a person feels they need to stop a conversation will be different for everyone. It is important that the survivor respect that, even if it is very hard to hear. First conversations should not contain graphic descriptions unless asked by an officer of the law or a judge. Allow your loved one time to absorb the simple fact that it happened. They will have questions,  but wait for them to ask those. It will help them come to terms with this truth a bit easier. Ultimately you want the whole of your past to be told but you don't want it to be a slasher film type shock. You want a long book series that allows the reader to accept this reality.

   One thing to bear in mind, though, is that if someone decides they want to cut off communication, you have no right to press them to do otherwise.  If that happens, send an apology by the lowest-pressure means you can (email usually works well), and let them know that if and when they want to reopen communication, you will be there. -T.

   Many of these lines can be used for a lot of other social situations but the majority here are intended for survivors and their loved ones when trying to have difficult conversations. Ultimately, you want everyone going into this with a sense of respect and compassion.

  Our collaborator T. would like to add that sometimes an apology is necessary if you find yourself discomforting another. The following is his explanation of how best to apologize.

   How to apologize:  

   The media is unfortunately full of non-apology apologies, but gives very few examples of how to apologize well.  There are three things you need to do in a sincere apology:  
1. Take responsibility for your actions and the harm they caused. [ In this case, causing discomfort.]
2.  Let the person know you regret harming them.  
And last, but not least: 
3.  Tell them what you intend to do differently in the future to prevent harming them again in that way.
[ This could be choosing a better place or time, being more sensitive to their emotional needs, or respecting someone's desire not to be told excessive details. Both the survivor and loved one have these rights.]

   An apology like that will show real thought, and good intentions.  It may be satisfying in the short term to cast yourself as the wounded party, but in the long run, it's not going to help you keep that relationship going.

  Apologies can be key in repairing any damage done by causing discomfort. They allow both people to reset the relationship with new boundaries that may not have existed previously. Either party can suffer discomfort or need to apologize for causing discomfort. There is no shame in apologizing for a mistake and doing so can be essential in  maintaining open lines of communication about such personal topics.

How To Communicate: Social Situations

    Communication is about connecting to other people and sometimes its easier to do that in the 'right' setting. This post is about figuring out what the right setting is for certain conversations, particularly those about abuse or trauma.

    The 'right' setting is a physical, mental, and emotional place. Obviously, you want to have physical conversations in a place where you can hear, see, and properly interact with the other person. A mosh pit is probably not the best choice. You want a place that you will not be interrupted in, and where a private conversation will remain private. In addition, long conversations are better suited to places where comfortable temperatures and seating are available. Note that the above are just physical qualifiers for the 'right' setting.

  Being in a good mental place when communicating is also important. I am sure most of us have had a conversation with someone who is incredibly tired, and they tend to get easily confused or speak in repetitive loops. When trying to talk to someone who was doing paperwork, often they forget what you said right after you said it. Here are some mental factors to consider. Is your 'audience' coherent and focused enough to have the conversation you need to have? Can they give you their full attention for the amount of time you need it? A long conversation might be best had during some free time after someone has had time to 'unwind' from their day but not so close to bed time that they fall asleep. Those are some of the mental factors you need to consider before deciding to have a conversation, particularly a sensitive one. Also remember that these factor in regards to yourself, people don't tend to listen to those who make incoherent or rambling conversations.

  The last part of picking the 'right' place is emotional. This applies to a number of situations, such as dealing with an angry customer or having upset a coworker, but its essential for having conversations about personal experiences with abuse.

  A person's emotional place can be harder to gauge than their physical or mental. Hard conversations are best had in a neutral space, away from what is considered "safe" (at home for many people), but also in a non-threatening place. This allows the speaker to feel safe enough without "tainting" their safe place. I strongly suggest going on a walk to a park. This helps one feel that they can physically walk away from the conversation (opposed to being in a car) if it becomes too much. It also decreases a feeling of crowding or suffocation. Some people need to have an exit strategy ready at all times, and an open space will help them. There are people who find open space to be scary. Those sorts of people may do better in a cafe or diner. It is still a neutral place that has many exits.

  Emotional also includes their emotional state. You want your conversation to be open with interaction from both parties. This is best done with everyone is 'even'. It is best not to try to have an emotionally charged conversation with someone who is sad, crying, enraged, or frustrated. It is also unwise to time your conversation in such a way that it overshadows moments of intense joy, affection, or pride. It is possible that someone who is sad may open a dialog about their experiences, at which point the listener should be aware that this is a form of venting. They need comfort and understanding more than questions.

  These three parts come together to form a 'right' place for a conversation. That might be sitting on a bench under a tree while on lunch break from a very calm work day. It could be sitting in the car killing time before a movie on a day off. It could be hanging out with friend after school in the local park. The key here is that it is a physically comfortable, quiet place with little distraction and that the parties are relaxed and calm.

  This 'right' place is needed for both parties. If you are a victim or survivor who wants to share your story, it is important that you pick someone receptive to hearing your story who is emotionally even at that time. You want a space that provides privacy and yet allows the other person space, there is a good chance you are asking that person to move outside their comfort zone. Be considerate of these things and it will lead to a better and more welcoming place to share your story. Accept that your listener might express discomfort and wish to end the conversation, or they may have questions. Decide how you will handle these reactions beforehand.[The next post will cover how to handle discomfort and another will talk about how to share your story. Please read those for a better handle on these sorts of situations.]

   If you are a loved one who is asking about experiences, it is important to remember that these conversations are very personal and very difficult for the victim or survivor. It might get easier with time but its never as simple as talking about the latest book you have read. There is a good chance that the person you are talking to was threatened with violence if they ever said anything, and for someone currently being abused, it is possible that this disclosure will result in physical harm. (If that is the case, please report to authorities if doing so is safe in your area. You might lose the friendship but you could save their life.) Try to listen without interrupting, as it is easy for someone to lose steam and stop sharing a bad memory. Realize that no matter how much you love someone, this conversation might be more than you can bear. Consider in advance what your tolerance point might be and how you will politely and kindly express your discomfort. [The next post will cover how to express discomfort.]

  Ultimately, you want to consider asking yourself the following questions when thinking about starting a conversation about personal experiences with abuse.

• Will we be interrupted?
• Would I feel safe here?
• Am I the best person to ask these questions? Can I handle the answers?
• Will they be okay after we have this conversation?
• If not, will they have time and a safe place to compose themselves?
• Will I need a similar place?
• What is the purpose of this conversation?
• When and how do we end this conversation?

  These basic questions will give you an idea about how appropriate this place and time are for the sort of conversation you are wanting to have. These conversations are rarely easy to have and consideration as the to the 'right' place helps makes it an easier process. It will also help the survivor be more receptive to future conversations.

  Ultimately, picking the 'right' place may be the prime factor in whether or not a conversation is had at all. Emotionally sensitive topics often are pushed aside in favor of 'safer' ones. Hopefully, these steps will allow you to create a proper space for intimate conversations and be more aware of social situations.

How To Communicate: Survivor versus Victim

    This second communication blog is abuse specific. It ties very strongly into the Victimization post in the social section and to the sensitive topics portion of my last post. The social post discussed the difference between a survivor and a victim in general terms. Here we are going to look at what those words literally mean and why they matter as much as they do on a personal level.

  A victim is "someone or thing that has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else."  Please note that victim has no tense. It is a noun. The connotation being that a victim is someone who is weaker in some way and thus helpless.

  A survivor is someone who "remains alive or continues to exist." It is also a noun with no tense. The connotation being that a survivor is someone who is strong and overcomes obstacles.

  These words do not mean the same thing. Each person who has been a victim of abuse can also be a survivor of abuse. The fact that you suffered some trauma does not disappear simply because you learn to live past it.

   That being said, each person who has suffered any sort of trauma has the choice to be a victim or a survivor in a more general sense, it ties to those connotations. Each person gets to decide if they want to call themselves a victim or a survivor, and each person who talks to or about abuse gets to choose between the two. May The Stars Shine Upon You is about living beyond the abuse and becoming a survivor. The easiest way to start journey is to stop thinking of yourself as a victim. A victim is still under the control of their abuser, they are still 'weak'. A survivor is beyond that person's control and is 'strong'. The word you choose is one you will internalize and use when describing yourself.

  Why does this matter and why is it in the communication section?

    Because the words do matter. The words "victim" or "survivor" are labels that we carry within ourselves. We let it define us in some way, and we should be careful to note that these words do not mean the same thing. The media and many people are always going to refer to anyone who has suffered abuse as a victim. They don't worry about internalizing those words, but when you are someone who has been abused or talking to someone who has, saying "survivor" sounds stronger. It makes me feel stronger to hear that I have survived something.

    I do not want to be a victim, I remember what that is like. I remember being frustrated, confused, sad, angry, and hurting. I do not want to carry that label or state of being with me everyday. I am exchanging it for survivor. I want to be able to move past this, to recall it as a defining moment in my life, but to be more than the sad, scared, hurt girl I was. -D.M.

  Ultimately, this word choice is about setting a positive path forward for ourselves. It's about making that first choice. I refer to my abuse in past tense and I put my status as survivor in present tense. A verbal and mental divide. I hope that others reading this can do the same.

  I do apologize that this post is not as comprehensive as I wanted it to be. I had hoped that the simpler statement would come across best. Feel free to ask questions in the comment section if clarification is needed.

How to Communicate: The Basics

     May The Stars Shine Upon You  is a blog about surviving abuse, you are probably wondering why we have a communication section. The reason why is because communication is a huge part of getting past abuse. It is needed to reach out for help, assist in legal action, connect with others, and share person experiences. Loved ones will need it when they try to understand and help those who have suffered. Its a huge part of the healing process and often we forget that hard conversations don't have to be a production or huge confession. They can be normal conversations, even if they deal with difficult subjects.

  Communication is a very important tool for almost every person alive. It is a means of connecting to other people. The technical definition is "the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else," according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Communication is more than just words. Its our body language, facial expressions, words, tone, inflection. All of these and more can be used to connect and share with others.

  This post is to cover some of the basics of communication. Ideally, the whole communication series will cover a variety of topics and situations in relation to abuse but also in general. These basics can be used in most any social interaction, as will a number of the other topics in this series.

   So, what are the basics?

• Actively Engage
• Active engagement is simply setting the stage. It's creating a mental space where you can give the other person your full attention and can convey that attention to them. Make eye contact, put away electronics, step into a quieter place, etc. Make your communication a priority. Pay attention to your body language.
• Listen
• Good communication requires that you are participating fully, that means listening as well as expressing yourself. A good listener will quietly give their full attention to the other(s) present. They will take notes mentally or on paper, not interrupt, and allow themselves a moment to fully appreciate and consider what has been said to them. They do not allow their emotions or opinions to overshadow the person who is speaking.
• Be concise
• A true exchange allows for the listener to respond. Ideally, this is done using simple and concise statements. Give yourself a moment to think about what was said and what you want to say. You don't need the shortest response, just one that makes sense to the other person in the exchange. This step is very hard in emotional circumstances. Try not to send mixed messages.
• Ex:   A significant other might say, "This isn't working, I need space." In response, you might be thinking, "Who are you sleeping with?" or "What did I do?" or just "Why?" Try not to blurt all those things out, even though you want to know what's going on. You both need time to think about things, so the best response in that instant will probably be something like, "Aright. Please let me know when we can talk about it, so that I can better understand what is going on."
• Be courteous or civil
• Understandably, various relationships will not allow for this or might change the context of what civil is. It is human nature to be defensive sometimes but do try to remain civil. Avoid name calling, blaming, or offensive language. Try to maintain basic manners. This will help the person you are talking to remain open to communication with you, and possibly others down the line.
• Do not try to force strong opinions or beliefs on another
• Simply put this is best expressed by Linus of the Peanuts' gang; "There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin."
• The above silly line from a comic best captures the concept that some topics are emotionally charged and will derail a conversation. This is because some people try to strong arm others into their beliefs. Its the golden rule, do unto others as you'd have done to you. Respect their opinions, and hopefully, they will respect yours.

 These basics provide a good starting point for any communication. Wiki How has a more in depth version that can be read here. Communication, like many other skills, requires a bit of practice for one to excel at. It is perfectly normal to be nervous, excited, or shy when attempting to speak with another, particularly about sensitive topics.

   Sensitive topics often require a few extra basics.

• Be aware of your verb tense
• This is very important when convey a sense of responsibility. "You make me mad." says something completely different than " You made me mad." One suggests that you are ready for a confrontation and the other suggests you are ready for resolution.
• Be aware of the connotations of words.
• The connotation of a word is its extra meaning. Often a word might have a good or bad connotations associated with it that has little to do with its literal meaning, or the meaning could even vary between different groups of people. While this adds richness to our language and the human experience as a whole, it can be detrimental to a sensitive conversation. One should also be mindful that some words will be negative to others, regardless of context, so it's best to avoid them all together.
• Ex.: Cheap and Inexpensive both have a literal meaning of an item being low in cost or reasonably priced. However, something that is called cheap has the added implication of being of lesser quality. The words mean the same thing but are taken in different ways.
• This one ties back to the victim or survivor concept mentioned in the last post. Consider carefully what you wish to convey, how your audience will take your word choice, and if another word might be a better fit.
• "I" statements
• "I" statements are frequently mentioned in pop culture. The basic concept is that you focus your statements on yourself rather than the person you are speaking with. This shifts the conversation in such a way as to decrease the level of defensiveness. 
• Ex.: " I am very frustrated that we aren't getting along." Opposed to, " You make me so angry, why do you always fight with me?" Focus on resolution.
• These types of statements also help to prevent generalizations when speaking about a variety of topics, including emotions and experiences. 
• Ex.: Don't say, "I understand what all who've been abused are going through. They're just like me." Instead, say, "I have survived abuse, but I do not speak for all those who have been abused. My experience is unique to me in many ways, although it shares similarities to what many others have experienced."

   These communication basics can be used in almost any situation. This skill is important in academic and professional settings, but also in personal ones. These basics will help anyone reading this when they find themselves needing to have delicate interpersonal relationships.

   

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Victimization

      This post is not about the abuser making the abused into a victim. It is about how our society views individuals who have lived through various types of trauma or abuse, specifically sexual abuse. Victimization is the process of making one a victim. It is similar to abuse in a number of ways given that it helps perpetuate the mindset that that someone who has suffered abuse is helpless, broken, or completely defined by their past abuse.

    May The Stars Shine Upon You is about transitioning from victim to survivor. The biggest difference between a victim and a survivor is the mindset. Both have experienced the same trauma, and are living with the aftermath of that trauma. A victim allows the trauma to define them, verbally and in behavior. They may have continued feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, paranoia, and shame. They will see themselves as broken, miserable, or as a "toy" of their abuser. Those feelings don't magically disappear, but in becoming a survivor, those feelings are addressed. A survivor is someone who actively works on moving past their trauma. It will always have some effect on their life but it does not define them. They will instead work to see themselves as a good person, and someone who can mentor or aid others who have also suffered. Survivors will look at themselves as a sum of all their experiences and traits rather than as the product of a single experience or set of experiences.

      This post is about social victimization and why it exists. Its a very complex concept, to be honest, but it boils down to our media and our collective comfort. The various media outlets are businesses. They want to sell their product (i.e. the news, personal stories, etc.), and stories sell better when they sound tragic or fantastic. It has to be like the movies, with a good guy and a bad guy or a hero and an underdog. Often victims of violence or abuse are the underdog characters. It simply sells more.

  The other side of this, is that by making the abused or targeted into a victim, it allows the casual media consumer to distance themselves. A "victim" is someone who is typically viewed as weak, helpless, stupid, or careless. Some might even believe that they asked for their abuse or deserved it. Most people do not view themselves as weak, stupid or careless. It allows them to think that such things will never ever happen to them or to someone they love. This stance then creates a world where we don't talk about prevention because "no one I know is that helpless."

   A prime example of these concepts can be seen in the relatively recent stories of the women who were held captive in Ohio. The initial story of the women being found was everywhere, and all the media outlets wanted a piece of that pie. They made a point of showing "look how horrible this was!" and using graphic descriptions of an unthinkable reality. They then pointed out how these woman broke that rule we are all taught in pre-K - Don't get in the car with a stranger. As a result, the media sold a lot of papers and magazines about how these women were victims.

  They did not sell as many papers when one of the women came forward as a survivor. She went to the trials and faced her abuser. She wrote a book, she has followed her passions. She is not broken. She is like you and I; she is simply living her life. That story is not everywhere because it won't sell as well. It reminds people that this woman loves her son that she lost, that she has passions, and that she loves the little things in life. She might even have something in common with you or your sister or your mother. She is real.

   In short, victimization is largely a social issue. It has to do with our media in that same way that it perpetuates negative stereotypes about body image, sex, drugs, and mental health issues. They are all depicted inaccurately and sensationalized to sell more. So for someone who has suffered abuse, it's hard not to feel like you can be anything but a victim when you only ever get to see those people who are in their most vulnerable and fragile state. Our media rarely depicts the stronger person growing past that terrible moment. Therefore, it's something we all need to be better about recognizing in our media. When you read those sorts of stories, ask yourself "What happens next?" Did that community reach out to help that person? Will they go back to school, or to a life that can become more?

  The last portion of this post I wanted to dedicate to the idea of resolution. We can not change how media works, not even collectively. What we can do, is seek out role models and stories that highlight how to become a survivor. Those of you who read this as a survivor and feel comfortable doing so, please share your story if someone needs to hear it. Those who read this as a loved one, be compassionate, and remind the person you love that they are more than the abuse. I am thankful everyday that my significant other reminds me that I am beautiful and intelligent. I may not feel it all the time but his words drown out the abusers who told me I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable.- D.M.

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Silence

  The url for May The Stars Shine Upon You is rejectingthesilence.blogspot.com. It is about literally rejecting the silence. This aspect of abuse is the one we are actively working against right now. Thank you for being a part of this and reading our blog here. We have been posting about abuse in a social sense for a few posts now. We wanted to really address abuse in its full being. Silence encompasses more than one aspect of our lives and it effects many things.

  Silence has three definitions. The third is "a situation or state in which someone does not talk about or answer questions about something." It is that very definition that we seek to defy now.

   There a number of ways in which an individual can be silent about their abuse and abuse in general. Silence even plays a part in abuse itself.

  Silence in its traditional definition as a "lack of noise or sound" is often something that an abuser will demand of a victim. The abuser themselves might use the second definition of silence and use a "period of time in which they do not talk" to ignore or refuse to acknowledge their victim. This is an act of psychological abuse that is intended to make the victim feel they have little or no worth. Silence is integral to abuse in this way. It is essential that the victim either not give away or report the abuse for it to continue. There is no guarantee that reported abuse will end but it is considerably less likely to do so. These forms of silence are all a part of the abuse itself and we will talk about them more a little later in our communication and flashback blogs.

  This particular blog post is to discuss the types of silence that occur after the abuse.

•   Keeping the abuse a secret.
• This silence is the most complicated and yet simple to understand. Many victims are told that if they tell there will be consequences, such as physical harm or death for themselves or others. Their abuser will have instilled the idea that silence is necessary for their well being. This type of silence may also be due to extreme guilt or embarrassment and social stigma. In addition, this type of silence is the hardest to overcome. It is very much a part of the victim's mentality about the abuse and how the perceive society will view them..
• Omitting key details of the abuse or downplaying the abuse.
• This type of silence is most often paired with domestic and emotional abuse. Often it is hard to hide the signs of these types of abuse but the extent of it may be hidden this way. Abusers or caretakers of children might use this when in denial or as a way of putting off an investigation. This type of silence is a personal issue that the victim will need to work on. They need the strength or safety necessary to ask for help.
• Examples: A partner with bruises might claim that this is the first and last time they have ever been hit. A caretaker might claim a child fell or that an abuser's behavior is simply affection.
• Censoring responses to questions and personal history.
• This type of silence has a lot to do with how the survivor feels about their abuse. Some people prefer not to remember or share their story. That is their right. However, many people deny or do not mention their abuse rather than conveying that they have no wish to respond to such questions.This response is also common for persons who have not sought legal action or whose attempts at such have been unsuccessful. This type of silence masks how often abuse occurs. Many people interact daily with someone who has survived abuse but they may never know. We will discuss this type of silence more in the Communication section. It should be less about needing to censor and more about people learning to communicate their discomfort.
• Ignoring the signs of abuse in others.
• This type of silence is detrimental to our society. We live in a world of 'political correctness' - where it is considered inappropriate to make accusations, even if they are clearly justified. While no one should ever falsely accuse another of abuse, there are perfectly appropriate and legal means of notifying authorities about odd behaviors or injuries so that they may be investigated. The key here is to be familiar with the signs of abuse, to know who to contact, and to understand what the process will be. This form of silence is often more from ignorance than any outright negligence, although that might also be a factor in some cases.
• Passively responding to abusers and/or abuse.
• Accusations or admission of abuse are very serious matters. The majority of people know their abusers and they are just regular people within their city or town. Sometimes the abuser is a well known local figure or in a position of trust, such as a police officer or religious leader. It is not uncommon for the victim to find themselves being questioned excessively or doubted in these cases. The community at large will not want to find that their trust has been misplaced. This social issue is even more problematic in rural areas or religious institutions. Knowledge is power here. It is best to know what legally constitutes evidence in your area and what rights you have.
• Social and Political Silence
• This type of silence is the most impersonal of the lot. It is simply the general populace or governing body's unwillingness or negligence to update resources, laws, procedures, or penalties for abusers. There are many places in the world where abuse is understood and recognized but our legal and social systems have yet to catch up with the times. Social and political movements against things such as forced circumcision, rape culture, and domestic abuse, can often be seen on social media. They are signs that we need to readdress how things are handled. The best way to combat this silence is simply to stay informed and vote whenever possible.

  These types of silence are the ones we would like to largely work against. Many of these are perpetuated due to the stigma we talked about in our earlier blog. It is not considered the social norm to be a victim or survivor of abuse, although statistically it is very common. We can all work together on this by informing ourselves and learning to speak out for those who cannot, or are afraid to do so.

  In the last part of this blog post, I want to talk about what effects silence has on the abused and our society as a whole. Every type of silence here masks the true extent of this issue. We may never have true numbers on how many people have suffered abuse or how prevalent certain type of abuse are. The end result is that the abusers are still out in our general population. There is a good chance that you know someone who seems perfectly normal that has abused someone else. It also means that those who are abused are more isolated. They will have less people to reach out to, and as a result, feel more alone. The odds are much higher that you know a perfectly normal seeming person or several persons who have been abused.