How to Communicate: Asking about Abuse

  The first four posts of the How to Communicate series give the basics on how to have a conversation, when to have a conversation, how to word things, and how to express discomfort. These basics are intended to create a safe, respectful place for conversations to be had. They are the building blocks for successful communication.

  This post is very specifically for loved ones who are asking someone about their past abuse. Those of you who are reading as an authority figure or concerned friend who possibly needs to report abuse you can find more information specific to that issue here. Please use that resources.

    Asking about abuse is a very delicate process. Ideally, the person you are talking to has already shared a little bit about their past and have shown an openness to sharing. The most important part of asking is compassion. Take some time to consider how scared, upset, angry, frustrated, or hurting your loved on might be feeling. It is unlikely that you completely understand the depth of that feeling without your own experience. You are about to ask them to relive some very painful moments and going into that you need to consider how you would like to be treated if roles were reversed. They may choose not to respond at all or shut down.

   When will you ask if the second consideration. Aim for a time that your loved one is relaxed, fairly calm, and in a decent mood. Pick a time where they have alone time, will have alone time later, and will not be completely without support. Try for a time where they have minimal responsibilities to attend to but not so much free time that you will be leaving them in a dark place for days.If they are nightmare prone, morning is better than evening.

   You have sorted out the proper when and now you need to decide on where. We discuss finding that 'right' place in the How to Communicate: Social Situations blog. This is the same process. Pick somewhere neutral but safe feeling. Home is not the best choice because it can feel too confining and might 'taint' the safe feeling later. I recommend a local park, nearby cafe, or diner personally. These places provided limited distraction, but have a clear escape. Some people like to fiddle with things when they are uncomfortable and these places have such outlets. Be sure the location you have chosen is free of interruptions and will allow you plenty of time for the ensuing conversation.

  How do you ask once you are where you need to be at the right time? You begin with your nonverbal cues. Uncross your arms, look at your loved one, consider holding their hand. Begin by making them feel loved and that this is an open sharing space.

  What do you say though? It depends largely on what you already know and what you plan on doing with that information. Information needed for legal reasons or to report a suspicion will need to be collected in a very specific way. Please use the link here to find out more about that process and what to do.

  Asking out of concern or to reach out is a different more organic process. Supposing you just have suspicions of abuse you might say something like, " I have been noticing that you seem [ sad/angry/down/etc] lately and was wondering why. I hate seeing you like this and want to help." The answer might not be what you expected, particularly if the person is not yet ready to share.

  Supposing you are aware that 'something' bad happened with someone but the details are vague and you are confused. Your dialog might begin with, " You have mentioned that ____ happened with/by ____. I am a little confused about what happened but I really want to help you move past it. Would you mind explaining more or telling me how I can help?" The answer here could be more vague than you want or just a list of things like hugs and friends that they need to feel close to. They may choose not to talk about things now but will mention it again later.

   Now, suppose you know that your loved one was abused. It was in the news or they said as much. You are curious what happened, you want to help, or you think they can help someone else. There is a good chance that this survivor already has a set response to questions. They may be very quiet about it or very open. A good line is, "I heard about _____. I want you to know that I am here for you if you want me to be." Or " I know that you do/dont like to talk about ____. I understand that. I know ____ went through something similar and could use a friend like you sometime." Responses to these lines will vary by how open the person is about their past. They may share and offer to answer any question you have or ask you to mind your own business. Graciously accept whatever response you get.

 Our collaborator T. would like to add that in all of these scenarios it is entirely possible to get a very negative reaction to your questions. His advice is as follows.

  My thought here is that while a negative reaction may not be something you can control, you can communicate about it in a positive way - and that's what this is really about: positive communication.  -T.

   You managed to work out when, where and how to ask. You worked up the nerve to just spit it out and now you are waiting for a response. They could do any number of things or say anything.  Be ready for anger, fear, guilt, relief, or tears. They might joke about their past even. Now, your job is to practice the listening we mentioned in the basics blog. You want to give them all your attention, respond promptly, and do not react emotionally. Do not defend or blame anyone, allow them to simply speak their piece on the matter. You may ask questions when prompted but try to avoid asking for graphic details. Be prepared to ask them to stop if it gets to be too much for you.

   Think about how you'd like someone to communicate with you if the situations were reversed, and try to model your communication after that. Not being accusatory, belittling, and so forth. -T.


   Once you have heard their story, take time to absorb it. Do not treat it as gossip, or use it to start drama. This person has trusted you with something very personal. You may find that the new information you have needs to be told to an adult or authority figure. Keep in mind that the survivor you talked to might truly feel their life is in danger so be sensitive when alerting authorities. They may choose not to be your friend after that.
 
  Asking about abuse is a very delicate process that can go in many directions. It inspires a lot of emotions and thoughts in the survivor. Ultimately, your job as the person asking is to remain emotionally even, be compassionate, and provide a safe place to share. These things help a victim turn into a survivor, by encouraging them to share again in the feature. It gives them another safe place to turn to.