There are a number of social skills we are taught as we grow up and receive our formal education. We largely live in a society that promotes positive reactions and emotions while ignoring a need to express negative ones. Negative reactions do not have to be harsh, mean, or exceedingly blunt. They encompass more than merely expressing anger or fear, but also learning how to say no, how to express alternate interest, and how to express discomfort. Many people use the concept of a "white" lie in place of learning these skills.
Expressing discomfort and saying no to answering questions can be very hard for survivors. We live in a society where positive emotion is very wanted while anything sad or hurting is perceived as weak. It can be infinitely easier to say "I am fine" rather than " Please stop, this is bothering me." The second statement can feel like you are asking for mercy or giving another person power to hurt you. It is true that someone can continue to say or do things that bother you, but you have now given yourself a socially acceptable out. You can walk away, terminate contact, or report this behavior to higher ups when in a professional setting. In many ways you are giving yourself the power to act rather than allow yourself to be hurt in this way.
I personally do not care for the white lie reaction. I spent a long time pretending bad things didn't happen and sometimes those white lies make me feel like I am back in that places. I am pretending for other people again, which is unfair to me. I do not deserve to hurt, be made uncomfortable, or be deprived of human understanding for actions that I did not ask for or want. -D.M.
The next question is what is discomfort?
It is to make someone uncomfortable or uneasy. This can be done in a variety of ways such as insulting language choices, graphic descriptions of violence or sex, persistent conversation of strong views, menacing behavior, invasion of personal space, or use of personal information in a nefarious way. The continued asking of personal questions, slander of a person, or threats can also be discomforting. Essentially, it is anything that makes the recipient feel uneasy, unsafe, or generally bad.
Survivors of abuse will find themselves in situations where they are uncomfortable. Many of these can be resolved by stating the discomfort as the other person may not even realize that are doing anything. Each person has pet peeves and many survivors have personal triggers that are social acceptable behaviors, and many times the other person is not trying to be invasive. Simply saying " Excuse me, but it makes me uncomfortable when people ___________, could you please stop?" will solve many problems. This sentence makes it clear that your issue isn't personal to the offender. This line is really good for people who have new triggers or unusual ones. " May we please leave? I find _____ unsettling." is also an acceptable out in certain social situations. No one needs the full story why this bothers you, but a simple explanation that something is bothering you is helpful.
A personal example is that I am very particular about who I allow in my personal space. I am nervous when men I do not know well are too close to me. Personal space is a cultural concept and varies from one and a half feet to four feet around a person. I generally want to have enough space that I can literally run around or away if I need to. This can be difficult in business and academic settings. I found the best way to express my discomfort here is with a joke. "I don't have a bubble, I have a trapezoid. You are standing in my trapezoid." is often a catchy enough phrase that it is remembered and different enough that people step away while laughing. -D.M.
A survivor might find themselves dealing with a very nosy person. Someone who has a general idea of what happened but wants details. They may not realize that details are painful blow by blow recaps or they may not care. The best response here is something like, " Please stop asking questions. I do not wish to recount those details, they make me sad and are not anyone else's concern." or "Why do you ask?" Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. You might find that they are trying to understand, or need help themselves. Other times it catches them off guard.
Another situation that survivors might find themselves in is defense of an abuser or a blame situation. The purpose of expressing discomfort here is for the social out. Its the nice way of saying "I'm done bitch." This is someone who is not interested in hearing your side of things or who is in denial. The best response is something like " I understand what you are saying but I disagree. Clearly we will not be agreeing and I think its best if I go now." The other person may be calling you names, blaming you, making you feel guilty but using this line or one like it puts you on the high road. Ultimately, if guilt is to be legally established, it will be in a courtroom where such behavior is not allowed. Do not try to fight over this, its not worth it to you and it wont change their mind. Trying to do so might be incredibly damaging to a survivor however.
The key with expression here is to remain polite, state your issue and then either move on or move away. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing or asking someone to stop, you just have to do it in a positive way.
The opposite side of the discomfort circle is what to do if you are a loved one listening to a survivor. You are probably aware that this person is sharing a very personal and intimate part of themselves. You may be trying very hard to be supportive but feel that the conversation is detrimental to yourself. It is okay to express discomfort here as well and doing so in a compassionate way will prevent this from being a painful experience for both of you. Wait a moment until a natural pause in the conversation and say something along the lines of...
" I am sorry to interrupt. I know this is hard to share and I appreciate that you trust me enough to do so. I do not feel that I am the right person or capable of being here as much as you need me to be. May we stop here for now? I want to help you find someone who can be there in the way you need. ( or I want to hear the rest but need some time to absorb this.) "
This statement conveys that you still want to help. That you are not abandoning the speaker. You simply can not handle this situation or you need time. It may seem harsh but I assure you it is infinitely better than when I was told "please, please stop. Its killing me to hear your story." My friend couldn't hear it but I was living it. It broke my heart because it felt like he didn't care at all. -D.M.
The level of information at which a person feels they need to stop a conversation will be different for everyone. It is important that the survivor respect that, even if it is very hard to hear. First conversations should not contain graphic descriptions unless asked by an officer of the law or a judge. Allow your loved one time to absorb the simple fact that it happened. They will have questions, but wait for them to ask those. It will help them come to terms with this truth a bit easier. Ultimately you want the whole of your past to be told but you don't want it to be a slasher film type shock. You want a long book series that allows the reader to accept this reality.
One thing to bear in mind, though, is that if someone decides they want to cut off communication, you have no right to press them to do otherwise. If that happens, send an apology by the lowest-pressure means you can (email usually works well), and let them know that if and when they want to reopen communication, you will be there. -T.
Many of these lines can be used for a lot of other social situations but the majority here are intended for survivors and their loved ones when trying to have difficult conversations. Ultimately, you want everyone going into this with a sense of respect and compassion.
Our collaborator T. would like to add that sometimes an apology is necessary if you find yourself discomforting another. The following is his explanation of how best to apologize.
How to apologize:
The media is unfortunately full of non-apology apologies, but gives very few examples of how to apologize well. There are three things you need to do in a sincere apology:
1. Take responsibility for your actions and the harm they caused. [ In this case, causing discomfort.]
2. Let the person know you regret harming them.
And last, but not least:
3. Tell them what you intend to do differently in the future to prevent harming them again in that way.
[ This could be choosing a better place or time, being more sensitive to their emotional needs, or respecting someone's desire not to be told excessive details. Both the survivor and loved one have these rights.]
An apology like that will show real thought, and good intentions. It may be satisfying in the short term to cast yourself as the wounded party, but in the long run, it's not going to help you keep that relationship going.
Apologies can be key in repairing any damage done by causing discomfort. They allow both people to reset the relationship with new boundaries that may not have existed previously. Either party can suffer discomfort or need to apologize for causing discomfort. There is no shame in apologizing for a mistake and doing so can be essential in maintaining open lines of communication about such personal topics.
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