This post is not about the abuser making the abused into a victim. It is about how our society views individuals who have lived through various types of trauma or abuse, specifically sexual abuse. Victimization is the process of making one a victim. It is similar to abuse in a number of ways given that it helps perpetuate the mindset that that someone who has suffered abuse is helpless, broken, or completely defined by their past abuse.
May The Stars Shine Upon You is about transitioning from victim to survivor. The biggest difference between a victim and a survivor is the mindset. Both have experienced the same trauma, and are living with the aftermath of that trauma. A victim allows the trauma to define them, verbally and in behavior. They may have continued feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, paranoia, and shame. They will see themselves as broken, miserable, or as a "toy" of their abuser. Those feelings don't magically disappear, but in becoming a survivor, those feelings are addressed. A survivor is someone who actively works on moving past their trauma. It will always have some effect on their life but it does not define them. They will instead work to see themselves as a good person, and someone who can mentor or aid others who have also suffered. Survivors will look at themselves as a sum of all their experiences and traits rather than as the product of a single experience or set of experiences.
This post is about social victimization and why it exists. Its a very complex concept, to be honest, but it boils down to our media and our collective comfort. The various media outlets are businesses. They want to sell their product (i.e. the news, personal stories, etc.), and stories sell better when they sound tragic or fantastic. It has to be like the movies, with a good guy and a bad guy or a hero and an underdog. Often victims of violence or abuse are the underdog characters. It simply sells more.
The other side of this, is that by making the abused or targeted into a victim, it allows the casual media consumer to distance themselves. A "victim" is someone who is typically viewed as weak, helpless, stupid, or careless. Some might even believe that they asked for their abuse or deserved it. Most people do not view themselves as weak, stupid or careless. It allows them to think that such things will never ever happen to them or to someone they love. This stance then creates a world where we don't talk about prevention because "no one I know is that helpless."
A prime example of these concepts can be seen in the relatively recent stories of the women who were held captive in Ohio. The initial story of the women being found was everywhere, and all the media outlets wanted a piece of that pie. They made a point of showing "look how horrible this was!" and using graphic descriptions of an unthinkable reality. They then pointed out how these woman broke that rule we are all taught in pre-K - Don't get in the car with a stranger. As a result, the media sold a lot of papers and magazines about how these women were victims.
They did not sell as many papers when one of the women came forward as a survivor. She went to the trials and faced her abuser. She wrote a book, she has followed her passions. She is not broken. She is like you and I; she is simply living her life. That story is not everywhere because it won't sell as well. It reminds people that this woman loves her son that she lost, that she has passions, and that she loves the little things in life. She might even have something in common with you or your sister or your mother. She is real.
In short, victimization is largely a social issue. It has to do with our media in that same way that it perpetuates negative stereotypes about body image, sex, drugs, and mental health issues. They are all depicted inaccurately and sensationalized to sell more. So for someone who has suffered abuse, it's hard not to feel like you can be anything but a victim when you only ever get to see those people who are in their most vulnerable and fragile state. Our media rarely depicts the stronger person growing past that terrible moment. Therefore, it's something we all need to be better about recognizing in our media. When you read those sorts of stories, ask yourself "What happens next?" Did that community reach out to help that person? Will they go back to school, or to a life that can become more?
The last portion of this post I wanted to dedicate to the idea of resolution. We can not change how media works, not even collectively. What we can do, is seek out role models and stories that highlight how to become a survivor. Those of you who read this as a survivor and feel comfortable doing so, please share your story if someone needs to hear it. Those who read this as a loved one, be compassionate, and remind the person you love that they are more than the abuse. I am thankful everyday that my significant other reminds me that I am beautiful and intelligent. I may not feel it all the time but his words drown out the abusers who told me I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable.- D.M.
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