This post is somewhat related to the communication series we are currently working on. Nonetheless, it is directly related to How to Communicate: Asking about Abuse . The most frequently asked question that people use when asking about someone's emotional state is "Are you okay?"
"Are You Okay?" is a loaded question despite it seeming like a binary one. Obviously, most people expect a yes or no answer. The problem is that okay has about four definitions, and generically means that one is neither very good, nor very bad.
A survivor has an emotional range extending between soul crushing agony to I-can't-breath to almost normal to content to happy. Keeping that in mind, does okay mean that I won't burst out crying right now even though I kind of want to die? Does it mean that I can probably keep pretending to smile for the rest of my work shift? Does it mean that I don't feel like self harming or outright suicidal right now? Those can all be middle ground emotions for a survivor, but that probably isn't the 'okay' the one asking is looking for.
The person asking that question probably wants to know if the person they are talking to has a grip on their emotions, and will be able to say they are happy at some point in the near future. No. And many times, the answer will be "No." if you are a survivor. That is not to say that every survivor is living in a miserable state of depression, but rather that like everyone else, we cycle through a lot of emotions every day. There are times when we reach a trigger - perhaps the anniversary of something traumatic, and our emotional state becomes compromised. [ A section dedicated to triggers will be posted in the future. It is strongly recommended that Loved Ones read it. ]
The best example that I have of what "okay" means some days, is actually a post from my personal blog, one I share with a select few. Today, I am going to share that with you, my readers. The day I wrote this next paragraph was a day that I went to work and was "okay". I talked to people, did my job, didn't cry, and went home.
"Somedays I just want to scream. I dont want to censor or silence myself. Its beyond longing to simply release the feral beast trapped within. She is not a quiet, passive person. She rages, slamming against the walls of her prison while snarling and clawing any happiness nearby. She need not be provoked for simply being awake is enough to draw forth a mighty anger bore from the darkest reaches of my own soul. Today, today I want to scream. I dont want to reason with those I love or hope for their acceptance. Somehow today I want to scream to the overcast skies that there are still unhealed wounds, that I can not bear the saline words ground into them. The silent denial of truths that rock my world, the blissful ignorance of the black abyss monster always poised to drag me under the churning waves. The endless nights laying awake because I can feel the shadows settle as my demons hover over me waiting to lead a legion of nightmares into my slumbering mind. Its the conflict of the primal being as she struggles with her rational form. Its the cramped box of expectation as the air runs out.
Today, today I want to scream. I want to roar, leave my throat raw with the rage I hold inside. Today I dont want to smile and lie." - Feb. 2013-D.M.
Asking "Are You Okay?" welcomes a confession and encourages a lie. The person asking the question is probably not ready for a confession, yet a lie can be incredibly isolating to a survivor. Think about your closest family, your dearest friends, and the person you love. When you ask them if they are okay, you probably want a truth. You want to know their thoughts and feelings at that moment. You are looking for a confession.
Now, consider your classmates, coworkers, customers, or casual acquaintances. Imagine asking one of them if they are okay. Perhaps they are a bit too quiet today. Suppose that instead of saying yes or no, that they started to cry and tell you that they woke up from a nightmare of being brutally beaten, nearly to death, even when they begged their attacker to stop. Imagine that that attacker was someone who really existed, perhaps a parent or lover to this person. I doubt that many of us are ready for that type of disclosure. Those of us asking are not ready for that answer, or any like it. It breaks the social convention that someone should share something so intimate on a whim. It was loaded, there was no way we could know what would be said. I have been the one to ask this very question.
I have been the one shocked by a moment of intimate words that I had no way to relate to or comfort to offer. No apologies or cliches could come to mind. I stood there unwilling to be closer to that person, unable to help or understand. I had basically reached out offering help and found that my lifeline was nothing more than a frayed bit of twine. I wasn't ready for the answer to the question I had asked." Are You Okay?" -D.M.
I have also asked others, survivors that I know and care about, this very question out of genuine concern. Either the response was half-hearted and rang hollow of the truth, or it seemed to inspire a moment of agony before the person burst into tears as their fear of answering and upsetting me or driving me away finally broke the dam of emotions pent within them. Though I know that they knew the question for what it meant, I could tell that they resented me in that moment of genuine concern and good intentions. -J
And I have been the one to answer.
I have stood quietly doing my job when I wanted to scream and had a coworker ask me if I was okay. I said no, because I woke up from a nightmare so violent that it made me physically sick. That I was tired of this special hell that comes to me when I sleep. He is a nice man but he was not ready for that answer. It felt good to say it out loud but then to realize that I had upset someone who I rather liked. I could see he had no answer for me, and no comfort. It made me feel sad and alone. I had tried to reach out to another person but they couldn't understand this very personal hell I was in. It was a moment of despair. The question had seemed so like a glimmer of light on such a dark day. But, I had broken that social contract. I had failed to answer him the way he expected. I had to, I couldn't bear to lie even once more about this. I was sick of pretending.
Alternately, I have stood there and lied. I have said a million times over, day and day out that I was okay. I knew that I wasn't okay. I knew that I was no where close to believing my own lie and that perhaps if one more trigger hit, that I would crave an oblivion from which there was no return. It was isolating, miserable, and the place from which that abyss monster comes. That echoing silence that seems unbearable and infinite. It was killing every worthwhile part of me, but I lied because I didn't know how to handle the discomfort of a broken social contract. I did this for well over a year until I was forced to explain why I needed an escort to my car at night. -D.M.
One thing I've found useful is to answer with, "Not right now, but it's all right. I'll be okay later," or some variant thereof. This both serves to reassure the person I'm speaking to, and, to be honest, it reassures me a little. It's a reminder to myself that this will pass, and I will feel okay again. - T.
I have come to truly feel that asking if someone is okay is one of the biggest loaded questions we could ever ask. Our society has created a social contract where this question has two meanings, one to our intimate circle and one for everyone else. Those in that outer circle should not answer honestly, but with a binary yes or no. We really haven't been taught how to respond when the answer is beyond that. There is no way to win on either side of that question.
For me, "are you okay?" is at the same time a welcome and dreaded question. From people I'm close to, I welcome it - the chance to share and get some support. Sometimes, just knowing that someone cares enough to honestly ask if I'm okay can be a lift. On the other hand, with strangers or acquaintances, all too often I feel like I have to lie, to say I'm okay at times when I'm really not. Sometimes, if I know it's absolutely visible that I'm not okay, I lie about why I'm not okay, saying that I'm feeling sick or something like that.
These days, I tend to divide people up into three groups for how I respond - strangers and acquaintances who I lie to; friends who I will tell that I'm not feeling okay, but not go into detail with; and those who I will talk to in detail. In my case, things get complicated by the fact that I still don't feel like I can be completely open with everyone I'm close to about my experiences. I was abused by my uncle, and bringing that up with my family is just too much of a potential minefield for me right now.
- T.
The best way to move around this loaded question seems to be using more specific questions in it's place. T says it well.
For loved ones, I'd suggest that asking more specific questions can be helpful - as D.M. writes, 'okay' can cover a broad reach of ground, so it can be easier to answer specific questions, or even if given a bit of framing. For example, "I've noticed you're staring off into space a lot. Is there something on your mind you'd like to talk about?", or "I'm worried about how down you've seemed lately. Are you okay?" This expresses an interest beyond the simple polite "are you okay?" and can make it easier to open up.
Also for loved ones, touch can make it easier for someone to open up. Even something as simple as taking their hand can be a huge help. If you're unsure, ask. If they pull away, don't pursue. Remember, if you're dealing with someone who's been abused, they have many memories of hurtful and hateful touching, and sometimes those memories can be overwhelming, even with someone they love.
While not common, dissociative disorders are sometimes a complication for those who have been abused, and can make the question of "are you okay?" very difficult to answer for those of us who are also dealing with them. I think that deserves deeper treatment in relation to dissociative disorders in general, though, so I'll talk about that in a future post. [ A section on dissociative disorders largely written by T. will be included as a later section. If this subject is of interest to you, please comment and we will get you more information.]
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