The Social Aspects of Abuse: Male Abuse

   Let us begin with a wonderful resource, Male Survivor. I strongly suggest that any men reading this as survivors look into the resource. The majority of this post will be written by T. He has kindly offered to provide a male perspective on this topic and we thank him for it.
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     As mentioned in the previous post, it's a common myth that only women and girls are abused, or that abuse of men and boys is rare.  Current estimates are between 5% and 10% of men have been abused; this is considerably lower than the about 20% of women who have been, but still high enough that you almost certainly know a man who has been abused.

     The previously mentioned myths and misconceptions that people who are abused are submissive and/or weak complicates things for male survivors.  Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on strength and dominance as 'masculine' characteristics, which results in men who have been abused feeling like others will see them as 'less of a man' if they admit to having been abused - even if the abuse happened while they were children.  Due to gender stereotypes, this is even more likely if the abuser was a woman.

     The questions of "why didn't you fight back" are also often intensified for men, since they are 'supposed to' be capable of standing up for themselves and handling themselves physically.  The simple truth is that the vast majority of pre-pubescent boys are not capable of physically overcoming an adult.  Complicating this is the fact that most abuse of children happens not at the hands of strangers, as is often believed, but from those the child knows and trusts - extended family members, close family friends, teachers and coaches, and so forth.  The pre-existing emotional relationship makes it much harder for a child to struggle, and also much easier for the abuser to emotionally and mentally manipulate the child into believing that they are responsible or share responsibility for the abuse.

       A further complication is that of physical reactions to sexual stimuli.  Autonomous nervous reactions do not necessarily respect one's mental state, with the result that victims of sexual abuse can and do become physically aroused during the abuse.  With men and boys, the physical signals of this are much more evident, and abusers will use this to tell their victims that they must actually want the abuse, since it's making them aroused. [More on this subject will be covered in our blogs on developing a healthy view on sex and sexuality.]

      This in turn ties into the social stigma of homosexuality.  While this is less than it used to be, there is still a stigma attached, which can make men and boys less likely to report abuse, for fear that others will think that they are gay.  There's also a cultural belief that being a man being sexually penetrated is 'more gay' than the one performing the penetration.  Since the sexually abused child is almost always penetrated, this increases the imagined stigma.[A more specific look at sexuality and orientation will be covered in later blogs.]

      Lastly, our culture expects men to be stoic and unemotional, and discourages men from showing strong emotion.  In particular, men 'are not supposed to' cry or otherwise show 'weakness'.  For most heterosexual men, the only socially acceptable deep emotional bonds are to their immediate family and to their female partner - however, if the abuser was part of the extended family or a close friend of the family, that creates a reluctance to speak to the family about the abuse, while at the same time, our culture places a great deal of importance on a man being 'the strong one' in a relationship, which can make it difficult to speak to their partner about it as well.

   Thus, men who have been abused often feel isolated and unable to reach out to anyone for support.  If you're a man who's been abused, it's important to realize that abuse is much more common than people want to believe.  Since I've begun to open up to friends about my abuse, I've found several who were also abused, and who have been willing to offer sympathy and support. Opening up to others is essential; if you are afraid of what others may think, there are resources to let you do so anonymously. The Male Survivors website mentioned above has forums that allow you to speak anonymously to others - and even simply reading the stories of others and knowing that you are not alone can be an enormous help.