How To Communicate: Social Situations

    Communication is about connecting to other people and sometimes its easier to do that in the 'right' setting. This post is about figuring out what the right setting is for certain conversations, particularly those about abuse or trauma.

    The 'right' setting is a physical, mental, and emotional place. Obviously, you want to have physical conversations in a place where you can hear, see, and properly interact with the other person. A mosh pit is probably not the best choice. You want a place that you will not be interrupted in, and where a private conversation will remain private. In addition, long conversations are better suited to places where comfortable temperatures and seating are available. Note that the above are just physical qualifiers for the 'right' setting.

  Being in a good mental place when communicating is also important. I am sure most of us have had a conversation with someone who is incredibly tired, and they tend to get easily confused or speak in repetitive loops. When trying to talk to someone who was doing paperwork, often they forget what you said right after you said it. Here are some mental factors to consider. Is your 'audience' coherent and focused enough to have the conversation you need to have? Can they give you their full attention for the amount of time you need it? A long conversation might be best had during some free time after someone has had time to 'unwind' from their day but not so close to bed time that they fall asleep. Those are some of the mental factors you need to consider before deciding to have a conversation, particularly a sensitive one. Also remember that these factor in regards to yourself, people don't tend to listen to those who make incoherent or rambling conversations.

  The last part of picking the 'right' place is emotional. This applies to a number of situations, such as dealing with an angry customer or having upset a coworker, but its essential for having conversations about personal experiences with abuse.

  A person's emotional place can be harder to gauge than their physical or mental. Hard conversations are best had in a neutral space, away from what is considered "safe" (at home for many people), but also in a non-threatening place. This allows the speaker to feel safe enough without "tainting" their safe place. I strongly suggest going on a walk to a park. This helps one feel that they can physically walk away from the conversation (opposed to being in a car) if it becomes too much. It also decreases a feeling of crowding or suffocation. Some people need to have an exit strategy ready at all times, and an open space will help them. There are people who find open space to be scary. Those sorts of people may do better in a cafe or diner. It is still a neutral place that has many exits.

  Emotional also includes their emotional state. You want your conversation to be open with interaction from both parties. This is best done with everyone is 'even'. It is best not to try to have an emotionally charged conversation with someone who is sad, crying, enraged, or frustrated. It is also unwise to time your conversation in such a way that it overshadows moments of intense joy, affection, or pride. It is possible that someone who is sad may open a dialog about their experiences, at which point the listener should be aware that this is a form of venting. They need comfort and understanding more than questions.

  These three parts come together to form a 'right' place for a conversation. That might be sitting on a bench under a tree while on lunch break from a very calm work day. It could be sitting in the car killing time before a movie on a day off. It could be hanging out with friend after school in the local park. The key here is that it is a physically comfortable, quiet place with little distraction and that the parties are relaxed and calm.

  This 'right' place is needed for both parties. If you are a victim or survivor who wants to share your story, it is important that you pick someone receptive to hearing your story who is emotionally even at that time. You want a space that provides privacy and yet allows the other person space, there is a good chance you are asking that person to move outside their comfort zone. Be considerate of these things and it will lead to a better and more welcoming place to share your story. Accept that your listener might express discomfort and wish to end the conversation, or they may have questions. Decide how you will handle these reactions beforehand.[The next post will cover how to handle discomfort and another will talk about how to share your story. Please read those for a better handle on these sorts of situations.]

   If you are a loved one who is asking about experiences, it is important to remember that these conversations are very personal and very difficult for the victim or survivor. It might get easier with time but its never as simple as talking about the latest book you have read. There is a good chance that the person you are talking to was threatened with violence if they ever said anything, and for someone currently being abused, it is possible that this disclosure will result in physical harm. (If that is the case, please report to authorities if doing so is safe in your area. You might lose the friendship but you could save their life.) Try to listen without interrupting, as it is easy for someone to lose steam and stop sharing a bad memory. Realize that no matter how much you love someone, this conversation might be more than you can bear. Consider in advance what your tolerance point might be and how you will politely and kindly express your discomfort. [The next post will cover how to express discomfort.]

  Ultimately, you want to consider asking yourself the following questions when thinking about starting a conversation about personal experiences with abuse.

• Will we be interrupted?
• Would I feel safe here?
• Am I the best person to ask these questions? Can I handle the answers?
• Will they be okay after we have this conversation?
• If not, will they have time and a safe place to compose themselves?
• Will I need a similar place?
• What is the purpose of this conversation?
• When and how do we end this conversation?

  These basic questions will give you an idea about how appropriate this place and time are for the sort of conversation you are wanting to have. These conversations are rarely easy to have and consideration as the to the 'right' place helps makes it an easier process. It will also help the survivor be more receptive to future conversations.

  Ultimately, picking the 'right' place may be the prime factor in whether or not a conversation is had at all. Emotionally sensitive topics often are pushed aside in favor of 'safer' ones. Hopefully, these steps will allow you to create a proper space for intimate conversations and be more aware of social situations.