How to Communicate: Sharing

  Sharing your story as a survivor can be a most conflicting experience. It feels like an impossible task, being both terrifying and compelling. This choice to share is a deeply personal one, and the way it unfolds can have a huge impact.

 There are a lot of factors to consider when sharing your story. The most important one of all is how you feel about sharing. Sharing will not necessarily be this huge painful event, nor will it necessarily be a huge relief. Rather, it will be somewhere on the spectrum between the two. Your story, when told aloud, will become more real than you have ever imagined in some ways, but it will also lose some of its emotional hold over you.

   The best way to get a read on how you feel about sharing is to pick a quiet place, go there alone, and act it out. Imagine the person you would want to tell is there with you, and actually say the words out loud so you can hear them. Start with something simple such as, "I was abused." The shorter and simpler your opening statement, the easier it will be to just 'jump into' it. Play out the whole conversation in your head and as many reactions as you can imagine. Talk every one of them out. Consider if any of those scenarios helped you to feel better in a way, or if they hurt more than you can tolerate. Sharing may be easiest when you reach a point of "I cant stand the silence/lying anymore," or " I need to tell someone." These feelings will give you more drive to share your story.

  The second most important factor in sharing about your abuse, is deciding who to share your story with. Ideally, the best person to share with is someone who will listen quietly, ask only intelligent and necessary questions, be empathetic, and can keep appropriate confidence. This may not be a family member or close friend.

       Individuals who have done some soul searching and decided that legal action will be necessary (particularly if your abuser has access to other potential victims) will need to pick an authority figure who can be trusted to listen and take appropriate action. This can be any number of persons depending on your situation. It might be a parent, a teacher, a member of clergy, a police officer, a social worker or a doctor. Many of the people in these roles are legally obligated to report suspicion of abuse. Women in particular may find their best opportunity is in their doctor's office, and many medical professionals are given training for such circumstances. I strongly recommend using our link here to familiarize yourself with what will happen after you disclose your abuse, no matter who you choose to disclose it to.

  Some survivors may find themselves in situations where legal action is not their chosen course, or could jeopardize their safety. These individuals may choose to share their story with a friend, a family member, a therapist (some of which may be legally required to report abuse), or other survivors. It is very important to take time to honestly consider the pros and cons of the person you choose to confide in and why. You are looking for someone who can keep confidence, have an open mind, comfortably handle your story and empathize with you. Avoid persons who habitually engage in unhealthy behaviors (such as name calling or shaming you), or who put you in awkward positions. Anyone who is prone to gossip may also be a bad choice. Avoid people who might behave violently toward you. Ultimately, you will make this decision, but think about how you would feel if they tell other people, proceed to shame you, or call you names. These are all very hurtful actions that can negatively impact you and the whole sharing experience.

   Once you have decided if you are ready to share and who you want to share with, you need to decide how you want to share. This will vary greatly depending on whether you are taking legal action or not. Those of you seeking legal action in the U.S.A., please use this link to guide you in how to proceed. Those of you seeking legal action in the U.K. can find more information here.

   There are many ways to share your story with another person. Each has its pros and cons, so choose the one that will work best for you. I advocate face to face conversations if you can handle them. It allows you to connect with another person and then allows them to provide tangible comfort if needed. Writing a letter or email can be a less personal way to share your story, as it will offer a bit of a buffer if you need to work on your confession in bits and pieces. You can even combine the two and write a letter, then read it outloud. Some people may find that creating something artistically helps them present their truth to others, since it begins the conversation in a way. This can be a painting, a sculpture, a song, or a poem, among many other things.

   Once you decide to share your story you will follow many of the steps mentioned in 'How to Communicate; Asking About Abuse'. Pick a safe and somewhat quiet place to talk. Make sure that both you and the person you plan to tell are in a calm emotional state and receptive to what may become an emotionally intense conversation. Try to remain calm throughout, and stop if you need to. Be prepared for the listener to need time to digest what you say. Consider that they may respond in a number of ways, some negative and some positive.

  The conversation of abuse should be started in a simple way, much like you practiced alone. A short statement of fact. Allow your listener to absorb that information and then consider asking them if you may tell them the rest of your story. Keep in mind that others may have a similar past or be unwilling to listen. Give your listener a chance to make that decision on their own. Someone who chooses to engage you in this way is more likely to provide you with positive support.

  The conversation from that point could unfold in a number of different ways. You may find that you can continue very calmly, you may become very emotional being angry or sad, or you may choke up. Try not to rush yourself and move at the pace that is best for you. It is a complicated process and you may find yourself admitting some darker inner feelings such as worthlessness or feeling used. [These feelings will be further discussed in their own posts shortly.]

     Personally, I felt very guilty. I openly admitted to feeling like a bad person, as if I had asked for the abuse. I truly thought I deserved in it in some way. That made it very difficult to express. It wasn't as if I had any feeling of self worth and I didn't feel I deserved worth. These things are not true, and over time I came to have a better understanding of why I felt that way and how to get past those issues, but when I first told someone; It was overwhelming.

   It is perfectly okay to stop sharing because it hurts too much. The conversation may become an ongoing one, where you share as you can. This process is about you and about coming to terms with your own story. It is complicated to say the least but it is very much worth it. Try to remain as calm as possible and don't be overly graphic to begin with. Take deep breaths and stick to the facts as much as you can. Detail what happened and how you felt about it, try not to make assumptions about your abuser's motives.

   Sharing is an incredibly personal process. It is very difficult to give hard and fast rules on how to share. The steps mention in this post are meant as guidelines to help you begin your conversation. In the end, this conversation will be unlike any you have ever had and yet like so many others.


Anyone who has shared is invited to add suggestions in the comments section of this post.