How to Communicate: The Basics

     May The Stars Shine Upon You  is a blog about surviving abuse, you are probably wondering why we have a communication section. The reason why is because communication is a huge part of getting past abuse. It is needed to reach out for help, assist in legal action, connect with others, and share person experiences. Loved ones will need it when they try to understand and help those who have suffered. Its a huge part of the healing process and often we forget that hard conversations don't have to be a production or huge confession. They can be normal conversations, even if they deal with difficult subjects.

  Communication is a very important tool for almost every person alive. It is a means of connecting to other people. The technical definition is "the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else," according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Communication is more than just words. Its our body language, facial expressions, words, tone, inflection. All of these and more can be used to connect and share with others.

  This post is to cover some of the basics of communication. Ideally, the whole communication series will cover a variety of topics and situations in relation to abuse but also in general. These basics can be used in most any social interaction, as will a number of the other topics in this series.

   So, what are the basics?

• Actively Engage
• Active engagement is simply setting the stage. It's creating a mental space where you can give the other person your full attention and can convey that attention to them. Make eye contact, put away electronics, step into a quieter place, etc. Make your communication a priority. Pay attention to your body language.
• Listen
• Good communication requires that you are participating fully, that means listening as well as expressing yourself. A good listener will quietly give their full attention to the other(s) present. They will take notes mentally or on paper, not interrupt, and allow themselves a moment to fully appreciate and consider what has been said to them. They do not allow their emotions or opinions to overshadow the person who is speaking.
• Be concise
• A true exchange allows for the listener to respond. Ideally, this is done using simple and concise statements. Give yourself a moment to think about what was said and what you want to say. You don't need the shortest response, just one that makes sense to the other person in the exchange. This step is very hard in emotional circumstances. Try not to send mixed messages.
• Ex:   A significant other might say, "This isn't working, I need space." In response, you might be thinking, "Who are you sleeping with?" or "What did I do?" or just "Why?" Try not to blurt all those things out, even though you want to know what's going on. You both need time to think about things, so the best response in that instant will probably be something like, "Aright. Please let me know when we can talk about it, so that I can better understand what is going on."
• Be courteous or civil
• Understandably, various relationships will not allow for this or might change the context of what civil is. It is human nature to be defensive sometimes but do try to remain civil. Avoid name calling, blaming, or offensive language. Try to maintain basic manners. This will help the person you are talking to remain open to communication with you, and possibly others down the line.
• Do not try to force strong opinions or beliefs on another
• Simply put this is best expressed by Linus of the Peanuts' gang; "There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin."
• The above silly line from a comic best captures the concept that some topics are emotionally charged and will derail a conversation. This is because some people try to strong arm others into their beliefs. Its the golden rule, do unto others as you'd have done to you. Respect their opinions, and hopefully, they will respect yours.

 These basics provide a good starting point for any communication. Wiki How has a more in depth version that can be read here. Communication, like many other skills, requires a bit of practice for one to excel at. It is perfectly normal to be nervous, excited, or shy when attempting to speak with another, particularly about sensitive topics.

   Sensitive topics often require a few extra basics.

• Be aware of your verb tense
• This is very important when convey a sense of responsibility. "You make me mad." says something completely different than " You made me mad." One suggests that you are ready for a confrontation and the other suggests you are ready for resolution.
• Be aware of the connotations of words.
• The connotation of a word is its extra meaning. Often a word might have a good or bad connotations associated with it that has little to do with its literal meaning, or the meaning could even vary between different groups of people. While this adds richness to our language and the human experience as a whole, it can be detrimental to a sensitive conversation. One should also be mindful that some words will be negative to others, regardless of context, so it's best to avoid them all together.
• Ex.: Cheap and Inexpensive both have a literal meaning of an item being low in cost or reasonably priced. However, something that is called cheap has the added implication of being of lesser quality. The words mean the same thing but are taken in different ways.
• This one ties back to the victim or survivor concept mentioned in the last post. Consider carefully what you wish to convey, how your audience will take your word choice, and if another word might be a better fit.
• "I" statements
• "I" statements are frequently mentioned in pop culture. The basic concept is that you focus your statements on yourself rather than the person you are speaking with. This shifts the conversation in such a way as to decrease the level of defensiveness. 
• Ex.: " I am very frustrated that we aren't getting along." Opposed to, " You make me so angry, why do you always fight with me?" Focus on resolution.
• These types of statements also help to prevent generalizations when speaking about a variety of topics, including emotions and experiences. 
• Ex.: Don't say, "I understand what all who've been abused are going through. They're just like me." Instead, say, "I have survived abuse, but I do not speak for all those who have been abused. My experience is unique to me in many ways, although it shares similarities to what many others have experienced."

   These communication basics can be used in almost any situation. This skill is important in academic and professional settings, but also in personal ones. These basics will help anyone reading this when they find themselves needing to have delicate interpersonal relationships.