How to Communicate: Asking about Abuse

  The first four posts of the How to Communicate series give the basics on how to have a conversation, when to have a conversation, how to word things, and how to express discomfort. These basics are intended to create a safe, respectful place for conversations to be had. They are the building blocks for successful communication.

  This post is very specifically for loved ones who are asking someone about their past abuse. Those of you who are reading as an authority figure or concerned friend who possibly needs to report abuse you can find more information specific to that issue here. Please use that resources.

    Asking about abuse is a very delicate process. Ideally, the person you are talking to has already shared a little bit about their past and have shown an openness to sharing. The most important part of asking is compassion. Take some time to consider how scared, upset, angry, frustrated, or hurting your loved on might be feeling. It is unlikely that you completely understand the depth of that feeling without your own experience. You are about to ask them to relive some very painful moments and going into that you need to consider how you would like to be treated if roles were reversed. They may choose not to respond at all or shut down.

   When will you ask if the second consideration. Aim for a time that your loved one is relaxed, fairly calm, and in a decent mood. Pick a time where they have alone time, will have alone time later, and will not be completely without support. Try for a time where they have minimal responsibilities to attend to but not so much free time that you will be leaving them in a dark place for days.If they are nightmare prone, morning is better than evening.

   You have sorted out the proper when and now you need to decide on where. We discuss finding that 'right' place in the How to Communicate: Social Situations blog. This is the same process. Pick somewhere neutral but safe feeling. Home is not the best choice because it can feel too confining and might 'taint' the safe feeling later. I recommend a local park, nearby cafe, or diner personally. These places provided limited distraction, but have a clear escape. Some people like to fiddle with things when they are uncomfortable and these places have such outlets. Be sure the location you have chosen is free of interruptions and will allow you plenty of time for the ensuing conversation.

  How do you ask once you are where you need to be at the right time? You begin with your nonverbal cues. Uncross your arms, look at your loved one, consider holding their hand. Begin by making them feel loved and that this is an open sharing space.

  What do you say though? It depends largely on what you already know and what you plan on doing with that information. Information needed for legal reasons or to report a suspicion will need to be collected in a very specific way. Please use the link here to find out more about that process and what to do.

  Asking out of concern or to reach out is a different more organic process. Supposing you just have suspicions of abuse you might say something like, " I have been noticing that you seem [ sad/angry/down/etc] lately and was wondering why. I hate seeing you like this and want to help." The answer might not be what you expected, particularly if the person is not yet ready to share.

  Supposing you are aware that 'something' bad happened with someone but the details are vague and you are confused. Your dialog might begin with, " You have mentioned that ____ happened with/by ____. I am a little confused about what happened but I really want to help you move past it. Would you mind explaining more or telling me how I can help?" The answer here could be more vague than you want or just a list of things like hugs and friends that they need to feel close to. They may choose not to talk about things now but will mention it again later.

   Now, suppose you know that your loved one was abused. It was in the news or they said as much. You are curious what happened, you want to help, or you think they can help someone else. There is a good chance that this survivor already has a set response to questions. They may be very quiet about it or very open. A good line is, "I heard about _____. I want you to know that I am here for you if you want me to be." Or " I know that you do/dont like to talk about ____. I understand that. I know ____ went through something similar and could use a friend like you sometime." Responses to these lines will vary by how open the person is about their past. They may share and offer to answer any question you have or ask you to mind your own business. Graciously accept whatever response you get.

 Our collaborator T. would like to add that in all of these scenarios it is entirely possible to get a very negative reaction to your questions. His advice is as follows.

  My thought here is that while a negative reaction may not be something you can control, you can communicate about it in a positive way - and that's what this is really about: positive communication.  -T.

   You managed to work out when, where and how to ask. You worked up the nerve to just spit it out and now you are waiting for a response. They could do any number of things or say anything.  Be ready for anger, fear, guilt, relief, or tears. They might joke about their past even. Now, your job is to practice the listening we mentioned in the basics blog. You want to give them all your attention, respond promptly, and do not react emotionally. Do not defend or blame anyone, allow them to simply speak their piece on the matter. You may ask questions when prompted but try to avoid asking for graphic details. Be prepared to ask them to stop if it gets to be too much for you.

   Think about how you'd like someone to communicate with you if the situations were reversed, and try to model your communication after that. Not being accusatory, belittling, and so forth. -T.


   Once you have heard their story, take time to absorb it. Do not treat it as gossip, or use it to start drama. This person has trusted you with something very personal. You may find that the new information you have needs to be told to an adult or authority figure. Keep in mind that the survivor you talked to might truly feel their life is in danger so be sensitive when alerting authorities. They may choose not to be your friend after that.
 
  Asking about abuse is a very delicate process that can go in many directions. It inspires a lot of emotions and thoughts in the survivor. Ultimately, your job as the person asking is to remain emotionally even, be compassionate, and provide a safe place to share. These things help a victim turn into a survivor, by encouraging them to share again in the feature. It gives them another safe place to turn to.

How To Communicate: Expressing Discomfort

    There are a number of social skills we are taught as we grow up and receive our formal education. We largely live in a society that promotes positive reactions and emotions while ignoring a need to express negative ones. Negative reactions do not have to be harsh, mean, or exceedingly blunt. They encompass more than merely expressing anger or fear, but also learning how to say no, how to express alternate interest, and how to express discomfort. Many people use the concept of a "white" lie in place of learning these skills.

  Expressing discomfort and saying no to answering questions can be very hard for survivors. We live in a society where positive emotion is very wanted while anything sad or hurting is perceived as weak. It can be infinitely easier to say "I am fine" rather than " Please stop, this is bothering me." The second statement can feel like you are asking for mercy or giving another person power to hurt you. It is true that someone can continue to say or do things that bother you, but you have now given yourself a socially acceptable out. You can walk away, terminate contact, or report this behavior to higher ups when in a professional setting. In many ways you are giving yourself the power to act rather than allow yourself to be hurt in this way.

 I personally do not care for the white lie reaction. I spent a long time pretending bad things didn't happen and sometimes those white lies make me feel like I am back in that places. I am pretending for other people again, which is unfair to me. I do not deserve to hurt, be made uncomfortable, or be deprived of human understanding for actions that I did not ask for or want. -D.M.

   The next question is what is discomfort?

      It is to make someone uncomfortable or uneasy. This can be done in a variety of ways such as insulting language choices, graphic descriptions of violence or sex, persistent conversation of strong views, menacing behavior, invasion of personal space, or use of personal information in a nefarious way. The continued asking of personal questions, slander of a person, or threats can also be discomforting. Essentially, it is anything that makes the recipient feel uneasy, unsafe, or generally bad.

   Survivors of abuse will find themselves in situations where they are uncomfortable. Many of these can be resolved by stating the discomfort as the other person may not even realize that are doing anything. Each person has pet peeves and many survivors have personal triggers that are social acceptable behaviors, and many times the other person is not trying to be invasive. Simply saying " Excuse me, but it makes me uncomfortable when people ___________, could you please stop?" will solve many problems. This sentence makes it clear that your issue isn't personal to the offender. This line is really good for people who have new triggers or unusual ones. " May we please leave? I find _____ unsettling." is also an acceptable out in certain social situations. No one needs the full story why this bothers you, but a simple explanation that something is bothering you is helpful.

  A personal example is that I am very particular about who I allow in my personal space. I am nervous when men I do not know well are too close to me. Personal space is a cultural concept and varies from one and a half feet to four feet around a person. I generally want to have enough space that I can literally run around or away if I need to. This can be difficult in business and academic settings. I found the best way to express my discomfort here is with a joke. "I don't have a bubble, I have a trapezoid. You are standing in my trapezoid." is often a catchy enough phrase that it is remembered and different enough that people step away while laughing. -D.M.

   A survivor might find themselves dealing with a very nosy person. Someone who has a general idea of what happened but wants details. They may not realize that details are painful blow by blow recaps or they may not care. The best response here is something like, " Please stop asking questions. I do not wish to recount those details, they make me sad and are not anyone else's concern." or "Why do you ask?" Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. You might find that they are trying to understand, or need help themselves. Other times it catches them off guard.

  Another situation that survivors might find themselves in is defense of an abuser or a blame situation. The purpose of expressing discomfort here is for the social out. Its the nice way of saying "I'm done bitch." This is someone who is not interested in hearing your side of things or who is in denial. The best response is something like " I understand what you are saying but I disagree. Clearly we will not be agreeing and I think its best if I go now." The other person may be calling you names, blaming you, making you feel guilty but using this line or one like it puts you on the high road. Ultimately, if guilt is to be legally established, it will be in a courtroom where such behavior is not allowed. Do not try to fight over this, its not worth it to you and it wont change their mind. Trying to do so might be incredibly damaging to a survivor however.

  The key with expression here is to remain polite, state your issue and then either move on or move away. There is nothing wrong with disagreeing or asking someone to stop,  you just have to do it in a positive way.

 The opposite side of the discomfort circle is what to do if you are a loved one listening to a survivor. You are probably aware that this person is sharing a very personal and intimate part of themselves. You may be trying very hard to be supportive but feel that the conversation is detrimental to yourself. It is okay to express discomfort here as well and doing so in a compassionate way will prevent this from being a painful experience for both of you. Wait a moment until a natural pause in the conversation and say something along the lines of...

  " I am sorry to interrupt. I know this is hard to share and I appreciate that you trust me enough to do so. I do not feel that I am the right person or capable of being here as much as you need me to be. May we stop here for now? I want to help you find someone who can be there in the way you need. ( or I want to hear the rest but need some time to absorb this.) "

  This statement conveys that you still want to help. That you are not abandoning the speaker. You simply can not handle this situation or you need time. It may seem harsh but I assure you it is infinitely better than when I was told "please, please stop. Its killing me to hear your story." My friend couldn't hear it but I was living it. It broke my heart because it felt like he didn't care at all. -D.M.

  The level of information at which a person feels they need to stop a conversation will be different for everyone. It is important that the survivor respect that, even if it is very hard to hear. First conversations should not contain graphic descriptions unless asked by an officer of the law or a judge. Allow your loved one time to absorb the simple fact that it happened. They will have questions,  but wait for them to ask those. It will help them come to terms with this truth a bit easier. Ultimately you want the whole of your past to be told but you don't want it to be a slasher film type shock. You want a long book series that allows the reader to accept this reality.

   One thing to bear in mind, though, is that if someone decides they want to cut off communication, you have no right to press them to do otherwise.  If that happens, send an apology by the lowest-pressure means you can (email usually works well), and let them know that if and when they want to reopen communication, you will be there. -T.

   Many of these lines can be used for a lot of other social situations but the majority here are intended for survivors and their loved ones when trying to have difficult conversations. Ultimately, you want everyone going into this with a sense of respect and compassion.

  Our collaborator T. would like to add that sometimes an apology is necessary if you find yourself discomforting another. The following is his explanation of how best to apologize.

   How to apologize:  

   The media is unfortunately full of non-apology apologies, but gives very few examples of how to apologize well.  There are three things you need to do in a sincere apology:  
1. Take responsibility for your actions and the harm they caused. [ In this case, causing discomfort.]
2.  Let the person know you regret harming them.  
And last, but not least: 
3.  Tell them what you intend to do differently in the future to prevent harming them again in that way.
[ This could be choosing a better place or time, being more sensitive to their emotional needs, or respecting someone's desire not to be told excessive details. Both the survivor and loved one have these rights.]

   An apology like that will show real thought, and good intentions.  It may be satisfying in the short term to cast yourself as the wounded party, but in the long run, it's not going to help you keep that relationship going.

  Apologies can be key in repairing any damage done by causing discomfort. They allow both people to reset the relationship with new boundaries that may not have existed previously. Either party can suffer discomfort or need to apologize for causing discomfort. There is no shame in apologizing for a mistake and doing so can be essential in  maintaining open lines of communication about such personal topics.

How To Communicate: Social Situations

    Communication is about connecting to other people and sometimes its easier to do that in the 'right' setting. This post is about figuring out what the right setting is for certain conversations, particularly those about abuse or trauma.

    The 'right' setting is a physical, mental, and emotional place. Obviously, you want to have physical conversations in a place where you can hear, see, and properly interact with the other person. A mosh pit is probably not the best choice. You want a place that you will not be interrupted in, and where a private conversation will remain private. In addition, long conversations are better suited to places where comfortable temperatures and seating are available. Note that the above are just physical qualifiers for the 'right' setting.

  Being in a good mental place when communicating is also important. I am sure most of us have had a conversation with someone who is incredibly tired, and they tend to get easily confused or speak in repetitive loops. When trying to talk to someone who was doing paperwork, often they forget what you said right after you said it. Here are some mental factors to consider. Is your 'audience' coherent and focused enough to have the conversation you need to have? Can they give you their full attention for the amount of time you need it? A long conversation might be best had during some free time after someone has had time to 'unwind' from their day but not so close to bed time that they fall asleep. Those are some of the mental factors you need to consider before deciding to have a conversation, particularly a sensitive one. Also remember that these factor in regards to yourself, people don't tend to listen to those who make incoherent or rambling conversations.

  The last part of picking the 'right' place is emotional. This applies to a number of situations, such as dealing with an angry customer or having upset a coworker, but its essential for having conversations about personal experiences with abuse.

  A person's emotional place can be harder to gauge than their physical or mental. Hard conversations are best had in a neutral space, away from what is considered "safe" (at home for many people), but also in a non-threatening place. This allows the speaker to feel safe enough without "tainting" their safe place. I strongly suggest going on a walk to a park. This helps one feel that they can physically walk away from the conversation (opposed to being in a car) if it becomes too much. It also decreases a feeling of crowding or suffocation. Some people need to have an exit strategy ready at all times, and an open space will help them. There are people who find open space to be scary. Those sorts of people may do better in a cafe or diner. It is still a neutral place that has many exits.

  Emotional also includes their emotional state. You want your conversation to be open with interaction from both parties. This is best done with everyone is 'even'. It is best not to try to have an emotionally charged conversation with someone who is sad, crying, enraged, or frustrated. It is also unwise to time your conversation in such a way that it overshadows moments of intense joy, affection, or pride. It is possible that someone who is sad may open a dialog about their experiences, at which point the listener should be aware that this is a form of venting. They need comfort and understanding more than questions.

  These three parts come together to form a 'right' place for a conversation. That might be sitting on a bench under a tree while on lunch break from a very calm work day. It could be sitting in the car killing time before a movie on a day off. It could be hanging out with friend after school in the local park. The key here is that it is a physically comfortable, quiet place with little distraction and that the parties are relaxed and calm.

  This 'right' place is needed for both parties. If you are a victim or survivor who wants to share your story, it is important that you pick someone receptive to hearing your story who is emotionally even at that time. You want a space that provides privacy and yet allows the other person space, there is a good chance you are asking that person to move outside their comfort zone. Be considerate of these things and it will lead to a better and more welcoming place to share your story. Accept that your listener might express discomfort and wish to end the conversation, or they may have questions. Decide how you will handle these reactions beforehand.[The next post will cover how to handle discomfort and another will talk about how to share your story. Please read those for a better handle on these sorts of situations.]

   If you are a loved one who is asking about experiences, it is important to remember that these conversations are very personal and very difficult for the victim or survivor. It might get easier with time but its never as simple as talking about the latest book you have read. There is a good chance that the person you are talking to was threatened with violence if they ever said anything, and for someone currently being abused, it is possible that this disclosure will result in physical harm. (If that is the case, please report to authorities if doing so is safe in your area. You might lose the friendship but you could save their life.) Try to listen without interrupting, as it is easy for someone to lose steam and stop sharing a bad memory. Realize that no matter how much you love someone, this conversation might be more than you can bear. Consider in advance what your tolerance point might be and how you will politely and kindly express your discomfort. [The next post will cover how to express discomfort.]

  Ultimately, you want to consider asking yourself the following questions when thinking about starting a conversation about personal experiences with abuse.

• Will we be interrupted?
• Would I feel safe here?
• Am I the best person to ask these questions? Can I handle the answers?
• Will they be okay after we have this conversation?
• If not, will they have time and a safe place to compose themselves?
• Will I need a similar place?
• What is the purpose of this conversation?
• When and how do we end this conversation?

  These basic questions will give you an idea about how appropriate this place and time are for the sort of conversation you are wanting to have. These conversations are rarely easy to have and consideration as the to the 'right' place helps makes it an easier process. It will also help the survivor be more receptive to future conversations.

  Ultimately, picking the 'right' place may be the prime factor in whether or not a conversation is had at all. Emotionally sensitive topics often are pushed aside in favor of 'safer' ones. Hopefully, these steps will allow you to create a proper space for intimate conversations and be more aware of social situations.

How To Communicate: Survivor versus Victim

    This second communication blog is abuse specific. It ties very strongly into the Victimization post in the social section and to the sensitive topics portion of my last post. The social post discussed the difference between a survivor and a victim in general terms. Here we are going to look at what those words literally mean and why they matter as much as they do on a personal level.

  A victim is "someone or thing that has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else."  Please note that victim has no tense. It is a noun. The connotation being that a victim is someone who is weaker in some way and thus helpless.

  A survivor is someone who "remains alive or continues to exist." It is also a noun with no tense. The connotation being that a survivor is someone who is strong and overcomes obstacles.

  These words do not mean the same thing. Each person who has been a victim of abuse can also be a survivor of abuse. The fact that you suffered some trauma does not disappear simply because you learn to live past it.

   That being said, each person who has suffered any sort of trauma has the choice to be a victim or a survivor in a more general sense, it ties to those connotations. Each person gets to decide if they want to call themselves a victim or a survivor, and each person who talks to or about abuse gets to choose between the two. May The Stars Shine Upon You is about living beyond the abuse and becoming a survivor. The easiest way to start journey is to stop thinking of yourself as a victim. A victim is still under the control of their abuser, they are still 'weak'. A survivor is beyond that person's control and is 'strong'. The word you choose is one you will internalize and use when describing yourself.

  Why does this matter and why is it in the communication section?

    Because the words do matter. The words "victim" or "survivor" are labels that we carry within ourselves. We let it define us in some way, and we should be careful to note that these words do not mean the same thing. The media and many people are always going to refer to anyone who has suffered abuse as a victim. They don't worry about internalizing those words, but when you are someone who has been abused or talking to someone who has, saying "survivor" sounds stronger. It makes me feel stronger to hear that I have survived something.

    I do not want to be a victim, I remember what that is like. I remember being frustrated, confused, sad, angry, and hurting. I do not want to carry that label or state of being with me everyday. I am exchanging it for survivor. I want to be able to move past this, to recall it as a defining moment in my life, but to be more than the sad, scared, hurt girl I was. -D.M.

  Ultimately, this word choice is about setting a positive path forward for ourselves. It's about making that first choice. I refer to my abuse in past tense and I put my status as survivor in present tense. A verbal and mental divide. I hope that others reading this can do the same.

  I do apologize that this post is not as comprehensive as I wanted it to be. I had hoped that the simpler statement would come across best. Feel free to ask questions in the comment section if clarification is needed.

How to Communicate: The Basics

     May The Stars Shine Upon You  is a blog about surviving abuse, you are probably wondering why we have a communication section. The reason why is because communication is a huge part of getting past abuse. It is needed to reach out for help, assist in legal action, connect with others, and share person experiences. Loved ones will need it when they try to understand and help those who have suffered. Its a huge part of the healing process and often we forget that hard conversations don't have to be a production or huge confession. They can be normal conversations, even if they deal with difficult subjects.

  Communication is a very important tool for almost every person alive. It is a means of connecting to other people. The technical definition is "the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to express or exchange information or to express your ideas, thoughts, feelings, etc., to someone else," according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Communication is more than just words. Its our body language, facial expressions, words, tone, inflection. All of these and more can be used to connect and share with others.

  This post is to cover some of the basics of communication. Ideally, the whole communication series will cover a variety of topics and situations in relation to abuse but also in general. These basics can be used in most any social interaction, as will a number of the other topics in this series.

   So, what are the basics?

• Actively Engage
• Active engagement is simply setting the stage. It's creating a mental space where you can give the other person your full attention and can convey that attention to them. Make eye contact, put away electronics, step into a quieter place, etc. Make your communication a priority. Pay attention to your body language.
• Listen
• Good communication requires that you are participating fully, that means listening as well as expressing yourself. A good listener will quietly give their full attention to the other(s) present. They will take notes mentally or on paper, not interrupt, and allow themselves a moment to fully appreciate and consider what has been said to them. They do not allow their emotions or opinions to overshadow the person who is speaking.
• Be concise
• A true exchange allows for the listener to respond. Ideally, this is done using simple and concise statements. Give yourself a moment to think about what was said and what you want to say. You don't need the shortest response, just one that makes sense to the other person in the exchange. This step is very hard in emotional circumstances. Try not to send mixed messages.
• Ex:   A significant other might say, "This isn't working, I need space." In response, you might be thinking, "Who are you sleeping with?" or "What did I do?" or just "Why?" Try not to blurt all those things out, even though you want to know what's going on. You both need time to think about things, so the best response in that instant will probably be something like, "Aright. Please let me know when we can talk about it, so that I can better understand what is going on."
• Be courteous or civil
• Understandably, various relationships will not allow for this or might change the context of what civil is. It is human nature to be defensive sometimes but do try to remain civil. Avoid name calling, blaming, or offensive language. Try to maintain basic manners. This will help the person you are talking to remain open to communication with you, and possibly others down the line.
• Do not try to force strong opinions or beliefs on another
• Simply put this is best expressed by Linus of the Peanuts' gang; "There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin."
• The above silly line from a comic best captures the concept that some topics are emotionally charged and will derail a conversation. This is because some people try to strong arm others into their beliefs. Its the golden rule, do unto others as you'd have done to you. Respect their opinions, and hopefully, they will respect yours.

 These basics provide a good starting point for any communication. Wiki How has a more in depth version that can be read here. Communication, like many other skills, requires a bit of practice for one to excel at. It is perfectly normal to be nervous, excited, or shy when attempting to speak with another, particularly about sensitive topics.

   Sensitive topics often require a few extra basics.

• Be aware of your verb tense
• This is very important when convey a sense of responsibility. "You make me mad." says something completely different than " You made me mad." One suggests that you are ready for a confrontation and the other suggests you are ready for resolution.
• Be aware of the connotations of words.
• The connotation of a word is its extra meaning. Often a word might have a good or bad connotations associated with it that has little to do with its literal meaning, or the meaning could even vary between different groups of people. While this adds richness to our language and the human experience as a whole, it can be detrimental to a sensitive conversation. One should also be mindful that some words will be negative to others, regardless of context, so it's best to avoid them all together.
• Ex.: Cheap and Inexpensive both have a literal meaning of an item being low in cost or reasonably priced. However, something that is called cheap has the added implication of being of lesser quality. The words mean the same thing but are taken in different ways.
• This one ties back to the victim or survivor concept mentioned in the last post. Consider carefully what you wish to convey, how your audience will take your word choice, and if another word might be a better fit.
• "I" statements
• "I" statements are frequently mentioned in pop culture. The basic concept is that you focus your statements on yourself rather than the person you are speaking with. This shifts the conversation in such a way as to decrease the level of defensiveness. 
• Ex.: " I am very frustrated that we aren't getting along." Opposed to, " You make me so angry, why do you always fight with me?" Focus on resolution.
• These types of statements also help to prevent generalizations when speaking about a variety of topics, including emotions and experiences. 
• Ex.: Don't say, "I understand what all who've been abused are going through. They're just like me." Instead, say, "I have survived abuse, but I do not speak for all those who have been abused. My experience is unique to me in many ways, although it shares similarities to what many others have experienced."

   These communication basics can be used in almost any situation. This skill is important in academic and professional settings, but also in personal ones. These basics will help anyone reading this when they find themselves needing to have delicate interpersonal relationships.

   

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Victimization

      This post is not about the abuser making the abused into a victim. It is about how our society views individuals who have lived through various types of trauma or abuse, specifically sexual abuse. Victimization is the process of making one a victim. It is similar to abuse in a number of ways given that it helps perpetuate the mindset that that someone who has suffered abuse is helpless, broken, or completely defined by their past abuse.

    May The Stars Shine Upon You is about transitioning from victim to survivor. The biggest difference between a victim and a survivor is the mindset. Both have experienced the same trauma, and are living with the aftermath of that trauma. A victim allows the trauma to define them, verbally and in behavior. They may have continued feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, paranoia, and shame. They will see themselves as broken, miserable, or as a "toy" of their abuser. Those feelings don't magically disappear, but in becoming a survivor, those feelings are addressed. A survivor is someone who actively works on moving past their trauma. It will always have some effect on their life but it does not define them. They will instead work to see themselves as a good person, and someone who can mentor or aid others who have also suffered. Survivors will look at themselves as a sum of all their experiences and traits rather than as the product of a single experience or set of experiences.

      This post is about social victimization and why it exists. Its a very complex concept, to be honest, but it boils down to our media and our collective comfort. The various media outlets are businesses. They want to sell their product (i.e. the news, personal stories, etc.), and stories sell better when they sound tragic or fantastic. It has to be like the movies, with a good guy and a bad guy or a hero and an underdog. Often victims of violence or abuse are the underdog characters. It simply sells more.

  The other side of this, is that by making the abused or targeted into a victim, it allows the casual media consumer to distance themselves. A "victim" is someone who is typically viewed as weak, helpless, stupid, or careless. Some might even believe that they asked for their abuse or deserved it. Most people do not view themselves as weak, stupid or careless. It allows them to think that such things will never ever happen to them or to someone they love. This stance then creates a world where we don't talk about prevention because "no one I know is that helpless."

   A prime example of these concepts can be seen in the relatively recent stories of the women who were held captive in Ohio. The initial story of the women being found was everywhere, and all the media outlets wanted a piece of that pie. They made a point of showing "look how horrible this was!" and using graphic descriptions of an unthinkable reality. They then pointed out how these woman broke that rule we are all taught in pre-K - Don't get in the car with a stranger. As a result, the media sold a lot of papers and magazines about how these women were victims.

  They did not sell as many papers when one of the women came forward as a survivor. She went to the trials and faced her abuser. She wrote a book, she has followed her passions. She is not broken. She is like you and I; she is simply living her life. That story is not everywhere because it won't sell as well. It reminds people that this woman loves her son that she lost, that she has passions, and that she loves the little things in life. She might even have something in common with you or your sister or your mother. She is real.

   In short, victimization is largely a social issue. It has to do with our media in that same way that it perpetuates negative stereotypes about body image, sex, drugs, and mental health issues. They are all depicted inaccurately and sensationalized to sell more. So for someone who has suffered abuse, it's hard not to feel like you can be anything but a victim when you only ever get to see those people who are in their most vulnerable and fragile state. Our media rarely depicts the stronger person growing past that terrible moment. Therefore, it's something we all need to be better about recognizing in our media. When you read those sorts of stories, ask yourself "What happens next?" Did that community reach out to help that person? Will they go back to school, or to a life that can become more?

  The last portion of this post I wanted to dedicate to the idea of resolution. We can not change how media works, not even collectively. What we can do, is seek out role models and stories that highlight how to become a survivor. Those of you who read this as a survivor and feel comfortable doing so, please share your story if someone needs to hear it. Those who read this as a loved one, be compassionate, and remind the person you love that they are more than the abuse. I am thankful everyday that my significant other reminds me that I am beautiful and intelligent. I may not feel it all the time but his words drown out the abusers who told me I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable.- D.M.