The Social Aspects of Abuse: Myths and Misconceptions

  Abuse is defined as :

"  Treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly: "

  The sub-definition of which further defines sexual abuse and verbal abuse.

   The problem with this definition is that cruelty and violence are often subjective when not expressed in their extremes. The definition of abuse then falls to the society in which one lives, and its social norms. Those social norms then dictate a whole host of actions, reactions, and so forth. It sounds so incredibly clinical although its true. The reality is that abuse is abuse no matter the language and regardless of whether a given society deems it acceptable behavior.

  That being said, I would like to share a few of the myths or misconceptions about abuse and replace them with something a bit closer to reality. Statistics about many of these misconceptions can be found on the resources shared on our "Resources and Links" page. LoveIsRespect.Org has a number of really good ones.
These misconceptions are shared in no particular order.

• An abuser will be a stranger.
• Perhaps the most dangerous misconception our society perpetuates is that if you are abused it will be by a stranger. It is possible that a stranger will abuse you, but it is infinitely more likely that abuse will come from a family member, romantic partner, family friend, authority figure, or acquaintance. They would be someone familiar, who has an idea about the life and habits of their victim. The end result is that they have a better idea how to control you, and it becomes much harder to seek support.
• This misconception is often easiest to see for false when you read the news. Often we hear reports of ministers, priests, scout leaders, and teachers abusing their charges. These are people that are trusted authority figures in a child's life. Help keep children safe using these steps.
• This misconception also masks a serious concern for adults, in that most rapists are someone known to the victim. They might be a casual friend, a coworker, or an acquaintance at a party. I encourage all adults, particularly women, to use their best judgement and safe practices whenever they are out. Use these steps.
• Leaving is easy.
• There is nothing easy about leaving an abusive relationship of any kind. Many times an abuser has used threats of violence or tactics to isolate their victim. They may control a victim's money, children, home, etc. Could you leave everything right now just because someone hit you once? Most people wouldn't. It normally has to get really really bad for you to walk away.
• I spent a long time in an abusive relationship. I honestly loved him with all that I was and made so many excuses, but in the end, I was scared of him. I was scared that he knew me so well that he could destroy me with his words, with his fists. -DM
• Someone being abused would say something to someone.
• Probably not. An abuser frequently isolates their victim from others. Perhaps they get angry when you talk to someone or they pick fights. They make life so unbearable that you end other healthy relationships. Its embarrassing to tell someone whats happening. It can be really scary if you have been threatened. And sometimes the abuser makes you think that its all your fault. They break you down.
• The reasons why people say nothing vary from person to person. My experiences had a number of motivators. The first time around, it was fear and money. The second time it was just blackmail. Leaving my ex meant he would tell people things I preferred to keep private at the time. Things I thought would destroy me. -DM
• Abuse rarely happens.
• Perhaps abuse is rarely reported until it is extreme, but abuse happens all the time. It happens to people you know and love. I am sure if you asked, friends and family might admit to an ex that yelled at them until they cried, being hit by a loved one, or a parent calling them names until they felt worthless. A more open person might disclose a rape or being groped. All of those are some form of abuse.
• Its not abuse unless someone hits you or leaves marks.
• I.E.  Its only abuse if it physically hurts.
• This misconception is probably the biggest reason people don't get out of bad relationships or tell someone. Abuse is so much more than bruising someone or breaking a bone. Its causing serious harm to a person in an emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or reproductive manner. Words don't leave marks on the body, but scar very badly. A molested child might not show any bruises. A woman forced to have multiple children she did not want will not have anything to show it was more than a normal pregnancy. Those are all abuse. 
• This misconception is the one that messed me up the most. I didn't feel like anyone would believe me. I didn't have any bruises or cuts or blood to show anyone. Why would anyone believe me, a little girl, over this grown up who everyone liked? -DM
• You can handle abuse alone.
• I am certain there are people who can handle a phenomenal amount of stress on their own. However, an escalating abusive situation is not something you should have to live through much less handle alone. Its easy to think you can handle it but the daily grind, family drama, the abuse, pain, etc. will simply push you to breaking point.
• This is another misconception that I personal vouch for. I was in college full time, working full time, handling a number of family issues, in and out of the ER with my Ex, and trying to live with the increasingly more abusive situation. The stress alone brought some of my worst characteristics. I was caustic, mean, bitter, and angry much of the time, even if I didn't act like it.. I didn't sleep without nightmares and today, I can not recall many of the day to day activities during that time. -DM
• Only women suffer from abuse.
• This misconception has more to do with social stigma than anything else. Women are more likely to report abuse, and on average a larger number of women suffer abuse. Whereas men are often conditioned from a young age to be "strong" and that any sexual contact with other males is shameful. Those concepts in turn make it where a man reporting abuse is "weak" or engaging in "shameful" behavior. Men from older generations are far more likely to have lived with these stigmas, as such fewer men report their abuse, seek help for it, or ever disclose it.
• Male survivors even live with a whole additional set of misconceptions. The full list can be found at MaleSurvivor.Org. These include being abused by homosexuals, the risk of becoming an abuser, and that female on male abuse doesn't exist. A more in depth look at these myths and such will be discussed in a separate blog to give them the attention they deserve.
• Only men are abusers.
• This misconception is the flip side of the previous one. A great number of abusers are men but many abusers are also women. This goes back to that social stigma about being "weak". A man is "weak" if he "allows" a woman to dominate and abuse him. Furthermore, there is the misconception that a man can not be sexual abused by a woman. The implication being that all men should be sexually attracted to and willing to be sexually used by all women all the time. That is absurd. Everyone has the right to say NO to any unwanted advance without their sexuality, strength, or moral character being called into question. Men included.
• Abuse is an issue that only concerns the abused./ Its none of my business.
• Honestly, this misconception is the most annoying one to me. I am willing to wager that everyone who reads this blog, survivor or not, knows and cares about someone who has been abused. What person wants to see a child with hand prints? What person is okay covering their ears while the person they love screams no over and again as they are raped? What person is okay with idly watching a lover verbally berate and tear down the other? Not expressing concern when you notice those issues in the lives you touch is ignoring them and the bigger issue that we as a society ALLOW this to happen. Not trying to make a better world is saying you accept that your children, grandchildren, mother, father, sister, brother, best friend or lover may suffer in this way. Is that what you want?
• Anyone who abuses other is mentally ill or a psychopath.
• Abuse is about control. It is about power. The desire for power is not classified as a mental illness. A person suffering from a mental illness might abuse another, but for that one person there are many more living with the same issues that do no abuse others. Most mental illnesses are something you hear about everyday and that someone you love lives with. You can learn more at The National Alliance on Mental Illness . Further more, a psychopath is someone who must be diagnosed by medical professionals, abusive behavior alone is not an indicator of psychopathy. A better understanding of this mental health issue can be found at the following link : What Psychopathy Means .
• Some people need the violence; they are addicted to it.
• Violence is not the choice of the abused. No one who is abused actively chooses for that process to begin. An addict will actively seek out and choose to engage in their addiction. The two do have some common features relating to the destructive cycles that they are. Both violence and addiction destroy the ability to live a normal life, the behavior makes the abused or addict miserable after a time and they seek to remove themselves. The removal process may take a number of tries and the abused or addicted may die before they escape. The process of recovery may be the same, the effects are similar but a victim of abuse is not an addict. Psychology Today defines addiction as an activity that can be pleasurable. By all means, ask someone who was abused if they enjoyed the violence inflicted upon them. 
• A cross over into this subject is often the concept of masochism. A more thorough look at this "kink" and healthy expression of such will be discussed later in the sex series of blogs. Until that time, Psychology Today has more information, please pay special attention to the last sentence. This is expressed in a well planned relationship with a safe word and safety features.
• Some victims deserve to be beaten or abused.
• No one deserves to be abused. If someone has done something illegal or immoral then report them to the authorities and allow your legal system to do its job. It is not our place to harm other people. Legality and morality are subjective, and harming anyone for not doing as you think should be done opens the door for the same to be done to you. NO ONE deserves abuse.
• Abuse victims are "weak" and "submissive".
• Many abuse survivors were abused at points in their life when they were vulnerable or helpless. Everyone has these points in their life. It does not make you weak. Some of the strongest people that I admire the most are survivors of abuse. They are strong people, but they had vulnerable moments and someone took advantage of that. Consider for a moment how you feel when you are stressed to the max, heartbroken, grieving the loss of a loved one, or alone in a new place. Those are the sorts of moments I am talking about.

  These misconceptions and myths are just few of the many that no doubt exist. I encourage my readers to submit more myths and misconception for us to discuss here. We will be including a section specifically focusing on male abuse and its misconceptions authored by T, one of our male collaborators who is working very closely with me on this blog. Please look for that article.