The last few couple blogs have mentioned stigma a lot. What is stigma? Stigma is "a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something," according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.
There are a wide range of things in our lives that have a stigma attached to them. The majority of them can be classified as something we can 'fix' or something we can not. We can learn to eat better, exercise more, use a wider vocabulary, find better jobs, save more money, dress more respectably, teach our children to behave and otherwise be our best self. Those tasks element the stigma attached to things like illness, obesity, respectability, and some forms of morality.
Then there are the things we can not change. Persons of various minorities, the transient, the mentally ill, the disabled, the abused, the foreign, anyone not heterosexual, and the extremely poor are either in capable of or facing incredible odds to change their 'status'. Why? Many of these are simply things you are born into. You have no control over your skin color, whether you develop a handicap or mental illness, your sexuality, or your nationality. You have no control over the language you learn and in many cases the socio-economic status you begin life in. Then you have those who are in some way 'damaged' such as the abused, some forms of disability, and those who live through intense trauma. [Once again, topics on sexuality will be covered later and in more depth.]
Those are things that we can not change and may have no control over. They are also things for which these is a great amount of stigma. Those stigmas change the way people interact with those who fall into that category. Many times it is seen as simpler to ignore or avoid the issue. Sometimes there is a general sense of confusion about how to acknowledge and interact and at other times there is outright hostility and violence.
The stigma that comes with abuse ties back to some of those misconceptions mentioned earlier. People might view a survivor as 'weak' or 'broken'. There are some who feel that the abused asked for it in some way; that they deserve their abuse. There are those who wish to help but have never been given the tools to do so. Survivors may encounter those who lack any tact, seem insensitive, or are overly inquisitive. Equally we encounter the kid-glove treatment. You are broken and therefor must be handled with extreme care.
It has been my personal experience that when I try to disclose my past to people, they become quiet. They do not know what to say or how to act. They lack the tools to empathize and as such become distant or hostile. Most take a middle ground of trying not to upset me further and yet in doing so manage to make me feel incredibly alone. If you are reading this as a loved one of a survivor. You may not understand WHY someone feels the way they do. You might never be able to imagine it. BUT you can understand what it is to be sad, lonely, upset, or scared. Do not trivialize and do not withdraw. The best thing you can do is simply express this: "I may not understand what you are going through exactly, but let me know if I can help." Yes, the same thing you say to someone who is sick or grieving or who just had a baby.
Along with stigma goes the concept of strong. The stigmas that exist are often because our society values the strong, the brave, and the wealthy. It makes sense as that trifecta is what helps to build our society and protect it. It is the basis for the military and many nations. Our society wants 'strong' people. It fails to take into account that to be strong you have to train and overcome obstacles. That to be brave requires you to face your fears and overcome them. That to be wealthy, you must be able to build what you are given into something more.
Everyone starts out small, weak, vulnerable. We grow, we learn, and ultimately we die. This is what every human on this planet has in common. The rest is uniquely individual. A soldier for instance must learn all their basic knowledge, build their body, strengthen their mind, and train endlessly for their career. They must be physically strong and prepared to be broken in some way. A teacher much learn all their basic knowledge, learn the complex concepts beyond that, find an enormous amount of patients, practice kindness, and constantly learn more. They must be mentally strong.
A survivor of abuse must learn all their basic knowledge, rediscover themselves, build a healthy mental space, and constantly work to move forward. It is our job to be emotionally strong. But strength is something we build. Our society sometimes forgets that. Consider the setbacks on that journey to simply be the same as a soldier who trips in the mud at basic, the teacher who cries at the last set of finals, and the moment that wont matter in the long run.
The idea of being strong is something we will discuss many times in this blog. Its not the ability not to cry or to silent. No, being strong is the effort you make to overcome the obstacles that have been thrown at you. You are not sick, you are not injured, you are not broken. That is the definition of strong.
Once again, some of the strongest people I know did not begin with the most. They simply overcame everything that was thrown at them. They weathered their abuse, some fought with substance abuse, some gave up everything, and then they found a way to live a fulfilling life. They did not allow the abuse to define them. They decided that they did not want to be 'broken' anymore. They reached out for the help they needed or found the proper resources or simply cried. They told their story or did whatever they needed to in order to move past their issues.
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