The last two posts were about recognizing child abuse and abusive relationships. I discovered both of these lists after removing myself from abusive situations. I wish I had read them sooner.
Even without these lists, I have noticed that survivors seem to sense one another. We each have some tell, some defense, that is so ingrained into our lives that it is impossible to ignore in another. As a result, this sense has allowed me to reach out on more than one occasion and support someone else in their recovery. It has also allowed me to vent to others who understood and in a way build a support group (minus the stale donuts and sub-par coffee).
The first time, it was a girl sitting in front of me in one of my Home Eco classes. She was a grade beneath me. I remember thinking she was very pretty, incredibly smart and had this fabulous taste in books. She was also in agony behind her brilliant smile. It was the way her smile never reached her eyes, and how she moved when she thought no one was watching. One day, I worked up the courage and leaned forward to say "Hey, I know what you have been through. If you need a friend, come find me." She did. We spent all of lunch sitting in the plaza talking. Her story was more brutal than mine, but she suffered in much the same way. Today, I am lucky to still count this beautiful woman as a friend. She might even be my hero, as she has borne upon her shoulders more weight than any mortal should. It was not just the abuse, it was the many losses she has suffered since then. She is amazing, and I will never forget that moment I leaned forward.
I often wish that I had some better resources to share at that time - some way I could explain how "normal" all our pain was; uniquely our own but not such that we were alone.
The lists about abuse and abusers helped me see how dangerous and dysfunctional some of my relationships had been. It helped me see that I deserved better. I could almost imagine my best friend telling me my own story, and what I would say to her. I would never have suggested she stay. I would have done anything to save her, but for some reason I could not convince myself that I deserved saving. Its one of the battles I still fight on some level to this day. Some part of me that is convinced the abuse was somehow my fault. It has also made it very clear to me that I have had some toxic relationships to end with some people who were giving off these glaringly huge red flags, people who failed me in a very extreme way. I then had to decide if I would forgive them and continue a relationship or end that relationship. It gave me the ability to address not only my role, but those of my caretakers when I was a child. Those of my friends and family when I was a teenager. It has helped me make better choices about who should be part of my support group today.
It also made me much more aware of behavior in others. I read the lists, and I posted it on my social media sites but I KNOW that if someone reads it and doesn't want to acknowledge their own truth, then I can do nothing. I have learned to be a more compassionate friend and a better listener. I have become more willing to share my own story. It's easy to say "Don't tolerate his controlling behavior." or "He shouldn't ever hit you." but I remember my own excuses. I'd tell people that my ex and I, well "we fought as passionately as we did anything else". This was a lie that I did not believe, but one that others would not argue with. Now I know to ask, " But how passionately do you cook together? Debate books? Go running?" Not sex, sex and passion are much the same to most people. How passionately do you do the little things? That's where the lie is revealed. I know the list, but I know the lies that one can hide behind too. You really do need both. You need the authority of a professional telling someone what should not be acceptable, but also a relateable friend.
Today, I use the lists as a resource. I can give them to someone in trouble. I can use it to help a child. I can share them with younger people to help them prevent those situations. And I sometimes read them to remind myself that I am getting better. I can cross off some of those behaviors. I have made progress.
My apologies if this blog rambles a bit. I just wanted to give those reading this a little perspective on those lists. Those words mean little really and yet describe some pretty horrid things. Despite that, they are part of my recovery.
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