The Social Aspects of Abuse: Silence

  The url for May The Stars Shine Upon You is rejectingthesilence.blogspot.com. It is about literally rejecting the silence. This aspect of abuse is the one we are actively working against right now. Thank you for being a part of this and reading our blog here. We have been posting about abuse in a social sense for a few posts now. We wanted to really address abuse in its full being. Silence encompasses more than one aspect of our lives and it effects many things.

  Silence has three definitions. The third is "a situation or state in which someone does not talk about or answer questions about something." It is that very definition that we seek to defy now.

   There a number of ways in which an individual can be silent about their abuse and abuse in general. Silence even plays a part in abuse itself.

  Silence in its traditional definition as a "lack of noise or sound" is often something that an abuser will demand of a victim. The abuser themselves might use the second definition of silence and use a "period of time in which they do not talk" to ignore or refuse to acknowledge their victim. This is an act of psychological abuse that is intended to make the victim feel they have little or no worth. Silence is integral to abuse in this way. It is essential that the victim either not give away or report the abuse for it to continue. There is no guarantee that reported abuse will end but it is considerably less likely to do so. These forms of silence are all a part of the abuse itself and we will talk about them more a little later in our communication and flashback blogs.

  This particular blog post is to discuss the types of silence that occur after the abuse.

•   Keeping the abuse a secret.
• This silence is the most complicated and yet simple to understand. Many victims are told that if they tell there will be consequences, such as physical harm or death for themselves or others. Their abuser will have instilled the idea that silence is necessary for their well being. This type of silence may also be due to extreme guilt or embarrassment and social stigma. In addition, this type of silence is the hardest to overcome. It is very much a part of the victim's mentality about the abuse and how the perceive society will view them..
• Omitting key details of the abuse or downplaying the abuse.
• This type of silence is most often paired with domestic and emotional abuse. Often it is hard to hide the signs of these types of abuse but the extent of it may be hidden this way. Abusers or caretakers of children might use this when in denial or as a way of putting off an investigation. This type of silence is a personal issue that the victim will need to work on. They need the strength or safety necessary to ask for help.
• Examples: A partner with bruises might claim that this is the first and last time they have ever been hit. A caretaker might claim a child fell or that an abuser's behavior is simply affection.
• Censoring responses to questions and personal history.
• This type of silence has a lot to do with how the survivor feels about their abuse. Some people prefer not to remember or share their story. That is their right. However, many people deny or do not mention their abuse rather than conveying that they have no wish to respond to such questions.This response is also common for persons who have not sought legal action or whose attempts at such have been unsuccessful. This type of silence masks how often abuse occurs. Many people interact daily with someone who has survived abuse but they may never know. We will discuss this type of silence more in the Communication section. It should be less about needing to censor and more about people learning to communicate their discomfort.
• Ignoring the signs of abuse in others.
• This type of silence is detrimental to our society. We live in a world of 'political correctness' - where it is considered inappropriate to make accusations, even if they are clearly justified. While no one should ever falsely accuse another of abuse, there are perfectly appropriate and legal means of notifying authorities about odd behaviors or injuries so that they may be investigated. The key here is to be familiar with the signs of abuse, to know who to contact, and to understand what the process will be. This form of silence is often more from ignorance than any outright negligence, although that might also be a factor in some cases.
• Passively responding to abusers and/or abuse.
• Accusations or admission of abuse are very serious matters. The majority of people know their abusers and they are just regular people within their city or town. Sometimes the abuser is a well known local figure or in a position of trust, such as a police officer or religious leader. It is not uncommon for the victim to find themselves being questioned excessively or doubted in these cases. The community at large will not want to find that their trust has been misplaced. This social issue is even more problematic in rural areas or religious institutions. Knowledge is power here. It is best to know what legally constitutes evidence in your area and what rights you have.
• Social and Political Silence
• This type of silence is the most impersonal of the lot. It is simply the general populace or governing body's unwillingness or negligence to update resources, laws, procedures, or penalties for abusers. There are many places in the world where abuse is understood and recognized but our legal and social systems have yet to catch up with the times. Social and political movements against things such as forced circumcision, rape culture, and domestic abuse, can often be seen on social media. They are signs that we need to readdress how things are handled. The best way to combat this silence is simply to stay informed and vote whenever possible.

  These types of silence are the ones we would like to largely work against. Many of these are perpetuated due to the stigma we talked about in our earlier blog. It is not considered the social norm to be a victim or survivor of abuse, although statistically it is very common. We can all work together on this by informing ourselves and learning to speak out for those who cannot, or are afraid to do so.

  In the last part of this blog post, I want to talk about what effects silence has on the abused and our society as a whole. Every type of silence here masks the true extent of this issue. We may never have true numbers on how many people have suffered abuse or how prevalent certain type of abuse are. The end result is that the abusers are still out in our general population. There is a good chance that you know someone who seems perfectly normal that has abused someone else. It also means that those who are abused are more isolated. They will have less people to reach out to, and as a result, feel more alone. The odds are much higher that you know a perfectly normal seeming person or several persons who have been abused.

  

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Being 'Strong' and Stigma

   The last few couple blogs have mentioned stigma a lot. What is stigma? Stigma is "a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something," according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

  There are a wide range of things in our lives that have a stigma attached to them. The majority of them can be classified as something we can 'fix' or something we can not. We can learn to eat better, exercise more, use a wider vocabulary, find better jobs, save more money, dress more respectably, teach our children to behave and otherwise be our best self. Those tasks element the stigma attached to things like illness, obesity, respectability, and some forms of morality.

   Then there are the things we can not change. Persons of various minorities, the transient, the mentally ill, the disabled, the abused, the foreign, anyone not heterosexual, and the extremely poor are either in capable of or facing incredible odds to change their 'status'. Why? Many of these are simply things you are born into. You have no control over your skin color, whether you develop a handicap or mental illness, your sexuality, or your nationality. You have no control over the language you learn and in many cases the socio-economic status you begin life in. Then you have those who are in some way 'damaged' such as the abused, some forms of disability, and those who live through intense trauma. [Once again, topics on sexuality will be covered later and in more depth.]

  Those are things that we can not change and may have no control over. They are also things for which these is a great amount of stigma. Those stigmas change the way people interact with those who fall into that category. Many times it is seen as simpler to ignore or avoid the issue. Sometimes there is a general sense of confusion about how to acknowledge and interact and at other times there is outright hostility and violence.

  The stigma that comes with abuse ties back to some of those misconceptions mentioned earlier. People might view a survivor as 'weak' or 'broken'. There are some who feel that the abused asked for it in some way; that they deserve their abuse. There are those who wish to help but have never been given the tools to do so. Survivors may encounter those who lack any tact, seem insensitive, or are overly inquisitive. Equally we encounter the kid-glove treatment. You are broken and therefor must be handled with extreme care.

  It has been my personal experience that when I try to disclose my past to people, they become quiet. They do not know what to say or how to act. They lack the tools to empathize and as such become distant or hostile. Most take a middle ground of trying not to upset me further and yet in doing so manage to make me feel incredibly alone. If you are reading this as a loved one of a survivor. You may not understand WHY someone feels the way they do. You might never be able to imagine it. BUT you can understand what it is to be sad, lonely, upset, or scared. Do not trivialize and do not withdraw. The best thing you can do is simply express this: "I may not understand what you are going through exactly, but let me know if I can help." Yes, the same thing you say to someone who is sick or grieving or who just had a baby.

    Along with stigma goes the concept of strong. The stigmas that exist are often because our society values the strong, the brave, and the wealthy. It makes sense as that trifecta is what helps to build our society and protect it. It is the basis for the military and many nations. Our society wants 'strong' people. It fails to take into account that to be strong you have to train and overcome obstacles. That to be brave requires you to face your fears and overcome them. That to be wealthy, you must be able to build what you are given into something more.

   Everyone starts out small, weak, vulnerable. We grow, we learn, and ultimately we die. This is what every human on this planet has in common. The rest is uniquely individual. A soldier for instance must learn all their basic knowledge, build their body, strengthen their mind, and train endlessly for their career. They must be physically strong and prepared to be broken in some way. A teacher much learn all their basic knowledge, learn the complex concepts beyond that, find an enormous amount of patients, practice kindness, and constantly learn more. They must be mentally strong.

   A survivor of abuse must learn all their basic knowledge, rediscover themselves, build a healthy mental space, and constantly work to move forward. It is our job to be emotionally strong. But strength is something we build. Our society sometimes forgets that. Consider the setbacks on that journey to simply be the same as a soldier who trips in the mud at basic, the teacher who cries at the last set of finals, and the moment that wont matter in the long run.

  The idea of being strong is something we will discuss many times in this blog. Its not the ability not to cry or to silent. No, being strong is the effort you make to overcome the obstacles that have been thrown at you. You are not sick, you are not injured, you are not broken. That is the definition of strong.

  Once again, some of the strongest people I know did not begin with the most. They simply overcame everything that was thrown at them. They weathered their abuse, some fought with substance abuse, some gave up everything, and then they found a way to live a fulfilling life. They did not allow the abuse to define them. They decided that they did not want to be 'broken' anymore. They reached out for the help they needed or found the proper resources or simply cried. They told their story or did whatever they needed to in order to move past their issues.

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Male Abuse

   Let us begin with a wonderful resource, Male Survivor. I strongly suggest that any men reading this as survivors look into the resource. The majority of this post will be written by T. He has kindly offered to provide a male perspective on this topic and we thank him for it.
                                      *****************************************

     As mentioned in the previous post, it's a common myth that only women and girls are abused, or that abuse of men and boys is rare.  Current estimates are between 5% and 10% of men have been abused; this is considerably lower than the about 20% of women who have been, but still high enough that you almost certainly know a man who has been abused.

     The previously mentioned myths and misconceptions that people who are abused are submissive and/or weak complicates things for male survivors.  Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on strength and dominance as 'masculine' characteristics, which results in men who have been abused feeling like others will see them as 'less of a man' if they admit to having been abused - even if the abuse happened while they were children.  Due to gender stereotypes, this is even more likely if the abuser was a woman.

     The questions of "why didn't you fight back" are also often intensified for men, since they are 'supposed to' be capable of standing up for themselves and handling themselves physically.  The simple truth is that the vast majority of pre-pubescent boys are not capable of physically overcoming an adult.  Complicating this is the fact that most abuse of children happens not at the hands of strangers, as is often believed, but from those the child knows and trusts - extended family members, close family friends, teachers and coaches, and so forth.  The pre-existing emotional relationship makes it much harder for a child to struggle, and also much easier for the abuser to emotionally and mentally manipulate the child into believing that they are responsible or share responsibility for the abuse.

       A further complication is that of physical reactions to sexual stimuli.  Autonomous nervous reactions do not necessarily respect one's mental state, with the result that victims of sexual abuse can and do become physically aroused during the abuse.  With men and boys, the physical signals of this are much more evident, and abusers will use this to tell their victims that they must actually want the abuse, since it's making them aroused. [More on this subject will be covered in our blogs on developing a healthy view on sex and sexuality.]

      This in turn ties into the social stigma of homosexuality.  While this is less than it used to be, there is still a stigma attached, which can make men and boys less likely to report abuse, for fear that others will think that they are gay.  There's also a cultural belief that being a man being sexually penetrated is 'more gay' than the one performing the penetration.  Since the sexually abused child is almost always penetrated, this increases the imagined stigma.[A more specific look at sexuality and orientation will be covered in later blogs.]

      Lastly, our culture expects men to be stoic and unemotional, and discourages men from showing strong emotion.  In particular, men 'are not supposed to' cry or otherwise show 'weakness'.  For most heterosexual men, the only socially acceptable deep emotional bonds are to their immediate family and to their female partner - however, if the abuser was part of the extended family or a close friend of the family, that creates a reluctance to speak to the family about the abuse, while at the same time, our culture places a great deal of importance on a man being 'the strong one' in a relationship, which can make it difficult to speak to their partner about it as well.

   Thus, men who have been abused often feel isolated and unable to reach out to anyone for support.  If you're a man who's been abused, it's important to realize that abuse is much more common than people want to believe.  Since I've begun to open up to friends about my abuse, I've found several who were also abused, and who have been willing to offer sympathy and support. Opening up to others is essential; if you are afraid of what others may think, there are resources to let you do so anonymously. The Male Survivors website mentioned above has forums that allow you to speak anonymously to others - and even simply reading the stories of others and knowing that you are not alone can be an enormous help.

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Myths and Misconceptions

  Abuse is defined as :

"  Treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly: "

  The sub-definition of which further defines sexual abuse and verbal abuse.

   The problem with this definition is that cruelty and violence are often subjective when not expressed in their extremes. The definition of abuse then falls to the society in which one lives, and its social norms. Those social norms then dictate a whole host of actions, reactions, and so forth. It sounds so incredibly clinical although its true. The reality is that abuse is abuse no matter the language and regardless of whether a given society deems it acceptable behavior.

  That being said, I would like to share a few of the myths or misconceptions about abuse and replace them with something a bit closer to reality. Statistics about many of these misconceptions can be found on the resources shared on our "Resources and Links" page. LoveIsRespect.Org has a number of really good ones.
These misconceptions are shared in no particular order.

• An abuser will be a stranger.
• Perhaps the most dangerous misconception our society perpetuates is that if you are abused it will be by a stranger. It is possible that a stranger will abuse you, but it is infinitely more likely that abuse will come from a family member, romantic partner, family friend, authority figure, or acquaintance. They would be someone familiar, who has an idea about the life and habits of their victim. The end result is that they have a better idea how to control you, and it becomes much harder to seek support.
• This misconception is often easiest to see for false when you read the news. Often we hear reports of ministers, priests, scout leaders, and teachers abusing their charges. These are people that are trusted authority figures in a child's life. Help keep children safe using these steps.
• This misconception also masks a serious concern for adults, in that most rapists are someone known to the victim. They might be a casual friend, a coworker, or an acquaintance at a party. I encourage all adults, particularly women, to use their best judgement and safe practices whenever they are out. Use these steps.
• Leaving is easy.
• There is nothing easy about leaving an abusive relationship of any kind. Many times an abuser has used threats of violence or tactics to isolate their victim. They may control a victim's money, children, home, etc. Could you leave everything right now just because someone hit you once? Most people wouldn't. It normally has to get really really bad for you to walk away.
• I spent a long time in an abusive relationship. I honestly loved him with all that I was and made so many excuses, but in the end, I was scared of him. I was scared that he knew me so well that he could destroy me with his words, with his fists. -DM
• Someone being abused would say something to someone.
• Probably not. An abuser frequently isolates their victim from others. Perhaps they get angry when you talk to someone or they pick fights. They make life so unbearable that you end other healthy relationships. Its embarrassing to tell someone whats happening. It can be really scary if you have been threatened. And sometimes the abuser makes you think that its all your fault. They break you down.
• The reasons why people say nothing vary from person to person. My experiences had a number of motivators. The first time around, it was fear and money. The second time it was just blackmail. Leaving my ex meant he would tell people things I preferred to keep private at the time. Things I thought would destroy me. -DM
• Abuse rarely happens.
• Perhaps abuse is rarely reported until it is extreme, but abuse happens all the time. It happens to people you know and love. I am sure if you asked, friends and family might admit to an ex that yelled at them until they cried, being hit by a loved one, or a parent calling them names until they felt worthless. A more open person might disclose a rape or being groped. All of those are some form of abuse.
• Its not abuse unless someone hits you or leaves marks.
• I.E.  Its only abuse if it physically hurts.
• This misconception is probably the biggest reason people don't get out of bad relationships or tell someone. Abuse is so much more than bruising someone or breaking a bone. Its causing serious harm to a person in an emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or reproductive manner. Words don't leave marks on the body, but scar very badly. A molested child might not show any bruises. A woman forced to have multiple children she did not want will not have anything to show it was more than a normal pregnancy. Those are all abuse. 
• This misconception is the one that messed me up the most. I didn't feel like anyone would believe me. I didn't have any bruises or cuts or blood to show anyone. Why would anyone believe me, a little girl, over this grown up who everyone liked? -DM
• You can handle abuse alone.
• I am certain there are people who can handle a phenomenal amount of stress on their own. However, an escalating abusive situation is not something you should have to live through much less handle alone. Its easy to think you can handle it but the daily grind, family drama, the abuse, pain, etc. will simply push you to breaking point.
• This is another misconception that I personal vouch for. I was in college full time, working full time, handling a number of family issues, in and out of the ER with my Ex, and trying to live with the increasingly more abusive situation. The stress alone brought some of my worst characteristics. I was caustic, mean, bitter, and angry much of the time, even if I didn't act like it.. I didn't sleep without nightmares and today, I can not recall many of the day to day activities during that time. -DM
• Only women suffer from abuse.
• This misconception has more to do with social stigma than anything else. Women are more likely to report abuse, and on average a larger number of women suffer abuse. Whereas men are often conditioned from a young age to be "strong" and that any sexual contact with other males is shameful. Those concepts in turn make it where a man reporting abuse is "weak" or engaging in "shameful" behavior. Men from older generations are far more likely to have lived with these stigmas, as such fewer men report their abuse, seek help for it, or ever disclose it.
• Male survivors even live with a whole additional set of misconceptions. The full list can be found at MaleSurvivor.Org. These include being abused by homosexuals, the risk of becoming an abuser, and that female on male abuse doesn't exist. A more in depth look at these myths and such will be discussed in a separate blog to give them the attention they deserve.
• Only men are abusers.
• This misconception is the flip side of the previous one. A great number of abusers are men but many abusers are also women. This goes back to that social stigma about being "weak". A man is "weak" if he "allows" a woman to dominate and abuse him. Furthermore, there is the misconception that a man can not be sexual abused by a woman. The implication being that all men should be sexually attracted to and willing to be sexually used by all women all the time. That is absurd. Everyone has the right to say NO to any unwanted advance without their sexuality, strength, or moral character being called into question. Men included.
• Abuse is an issue that only concerns the abused./ Its none of my business.
• Honestly, this misconception is the most annoying one to me. I am willing to wager that everyone who reads this blog, survivor or not, knows and cares about someone who has been abused. What person wants to see a child with hand prints? What person is okay covering their ears while the person they love screams no over and again as they are raped? What person is okay with idly watching a lover verbally berate and tear down the other? Not expressing concern when you notice those issues in the lives you touch is ignoring them and the bigger issue that we as a society ALLOW this to happen. Not trying to make a better world is saying you accept that your children, grandchildren, mother, father, sister, brother, best friend or lover may suffer in this way. Is that what you want?
• Anyone who abuses other is mentally ill or a psychopath.
• Abuse is about control. It is about power. The desire for power is not classified as a mental illness. A person suffering from a mental illness might abuse another, but for that one person there are many more living with the same issues that do no abuse others. Most mental illnesses are something you hear about everyday and that someone you love lives with. You can learn more at The National Alliance on Mental Illness . Further more, a psychopath is someone who must be diagnosed by medical professionals, abusive behavior alone is not an indicator of psychopathy. A better understanding of this mental health issue can be found at the following link : What Psychopathy Means .
• Some people need the violence; they are addicted to it.
• Violence is not the choice of the abused. No one who is abused actively chooses for that process to begin. An addict will actively seek out and choose to engage in their addiction. The two do have some common features relating to the destructive cycles that they are. Both violence and addiction destroy the ability to live a normal life, the behavior makes the abused or addict miserable after a time and they seek to remove themselves. The removal process may take a number of tries and the abused or addicted may die before they escape. The process of recovery may be the same, the effects are similar but a victim of abuse is not an addict. Psychology Today defines addiction as an activity that can be pleasurable. By all means, ask someone who was abused if they enjoyed the violence inflicted upon them. 
• A cross over into this subject is often the concept of masochism. A more thorough look at this "kink" and healthy expression of such will be discussed later in the sex series of blogs. Until that time, Psychology Today has more information, please pay special attention to the last sentence. This is expressed in a well planned relationship with a safe word and safety features.
• Some victims deserve to be beaten or abused.
• No one deserves to be abused. If someone has done something illegal or immoral then report them to the authorities and allow your legal system to do its job. It is not our place to harm other people. Legality and morality are subjective, and harming anyone for not doing as you think should be done opens the door for the same to be done to you. NO ONE deserves abuse.
• Abuse victims are "weak" and "submissive".
• Many abuse survivors were abused at points in their life when they were vulnerable or helpless. Everyone has these points in their life. It does not make you weak. Some of the strongest people that I admire the most are survivors of abuse. They are strong people, but they had vulnerable moments and someone took advantage of that. Consider for a moment how you feel when you are stressed to the max, heartbroken, grieving the loss of a loved one, or alone in a new place. Those are the sorts of moments I am talking about.

  These misconceptions and myths are just few of the many that no doubt exist. I encourage my readers to submit more myths and misconception for us to discuss here. We will be including a section specifically focusing on male abuse and its misconceptions authored by T, one of our male collaborators who is working very closely with me on this blog. Please look for that article. 

A Closer Look at the Topics to be Included

   May The Stars Shine Upon You is intended to provide my readers with a more personal resource for living as a survivor of abuse. I have spent a number of weeks thinking over the main topics I want to cover in my blog. There are so many aspects of living after abuse to consider and they tend to tangle together. The list is ever growing. I hope to be able to cover all the things that have crossed my mind for this particular blog.

  The current list is as follows, in no particular order. These topics are all things I think have value and a place in our discussion here.

• Social
• The way society views abuse and how it related to every day life. 
• Communication
• This section is multifaceted. I want to discuss the words themselves and how we use them to convey ourselves. I also want to help open a dialog for the survivors and their loved ones or the abused and those who can help. Its hard to know what to say but maybe there is a good starting place.
• Negative Emotions
• Surviving abuse can leave a person with a lot of very negative emotions. There is a wide range of them and I feel they are under-defined. I want to give them a definition that is more than one generic word. Then there is working past those emotions.
• Disassociation 
• The loss of time, memories, and perhaps yourself. How does one adjust to it, live with it and move past it?
• Self Worth
• Basically, how you feel about yourself. Self esteem, respect, and learning to love who you are now.
• Triggers
• The various stimuli and situations that bring about negative feelings, flashbacks, nightmares or self destructive behavior. Ways to avoid them and work past them.
• Nightmare and Flashbacks
• Living with the unbearable moments.
• Self Harm / Violent Impulses
• The impulse to cause injury to ones self or another. How to cope, when to seek professional help, how to ask for help... the whole nine. I want to make this under represented section of issues a real resource. 
• Control
• The reasoning behind abuse, how to maintain a healthy view on it, and how to keep it in our lives.
• Injuries, baggage, and bad habits
• All the little broken bits of ourselves that we walk forward with, and maybe how to live with them or get rid of them.
• Loneliness
• A look into why its so easy to feel alone, how to cope with it and how to make friends.
• Relationships
• A complicated jumble of what healthy is, how to break cycles, and how the abuse will impact new relationships as well as old ones.
• Sex
• Another multifaceted topic. I want to cover how sex does not equal love, its use as a social currency, how to have a truly healthy view about sex, having a healthy sex life, and rebuilding yourself in this light.
• Finding Safety
• The journey from being a victim to becoming a survivor. How do you redefine what "safe" is to you? Finding a healthy version of safe and learning to live as normally as possible.
• Emotions and Intuition
• A range of emotions beyond the negative and how to express them. What does it mean and why.
• Working on Issues
• Another aspect of that journey from victim to survivor. What feels impossibly hard and some of the ways people can get past it.

  The number of topics may increase as I work on the blog. Currently, these are the main topics that I could think of. Its all a bit of a jumble as life tends to be.

How "The Lists" Helped Me

   The last two posts were about recognizing child abuse and abusive relationships. I discovered both of these lists after removing myself from abusive situations. I wish I had read them sooner.

  Even without these lists, I have noticed that survivors seem to sense one another. We each have some tell, some defense, that is so ingrained into our lives that it is impossible to ignore in another. As a result, this sense has allowed me to reach out on more than one occasion and support someone else in their recovery. It has also allowed me to vent to others who understood and in a way build a support group (minus the stale donuts and sub-par coffee).

  The first time, it was a girl sitting in front of me in one of my Home Eco classes. She was a grade beneath me. I remember thinking she was very pretty, incredibly smart and had this fabulous taste in books. She was also in agony behind her brilliant smile. It was the way her smile never reached her eyes, and how she moved when she thought no one was watching. One day, I worked up the courage and leaned forward to say "Hey, I know what you have been through. If you need a friend, come find me." She did. We spent all of lunch sitting in the plaza talking. Her story was more brutal than mine, but she suffered in much the same way. Today, I am lucky to still count this beautiful woman as a friend. She might even be my hero, as she has borne upon her shoulders more weight than any mortal should. It was not just the abuse, it was the many losses she has suffered since then. She is amazing, and I will never forget that moment I leaned forward.

  I often wish that I had some better resources to share at that time - some way I could explain how "normal" all our pain was; uniquely our own but not such that we were alone.

  The lists about abuse and abusers helped me see how dangerous and dysfunctional some of my relationships had been. It helped me see that I deserved better. I could almost imagine my best friend telling me my own story, and what I would say to her. I would never have suggested she stay. I would have done anything to save her, but for some reason I could not convince myself that I deserved saving. Its one of the battles I still fight on some level to this day. Some part of me that is convinced the abuse was somehow my fault. It has also made it very clear to me that I have had some toxic relationships to end with some people who were giving off these glaringly huge red flags, people who failed me in a very extreme way. I then had to decide if I would forgive them and continue a relationship or end that relationship. It gave me the ability to address not only my role, but those of my caretakers when I was a child. Those of my friends and family when I was a teenager. It has helped me make better choices about who should be part of my support group today.

    It also made me much more aware of behavior in others. I read the lists, and I posted it on my social media sites but I KNOW that if someone reads it and doesn't want to acknowledge their own truth, then I can do nothing. I have learned to be a more compassionate friend and a better listener. I have become more willing to share my own story. It's easy to say "Don't tolerate his controlling behavior." or "He shouldn't ever hit you." but I remember my own excuses. I'd tell people that my ex and I, well "we fought as passionately as we did anything else". This was a lie that I did not believe, but one that others would not argue with. Now I know to ask, " But how passionately do you cook together? Debate books? Go running?" Not sex, sex and passion are much the same to most people. How passionately do you do the little things? That's where the lie is revealed. I know the list, but I know the lies that one can hide behind too. You really do need both. You need the authority of a professional telling someone what should not be acceptable, but also a relateable friend.

  Today, I use the lists as a resource. I can give them to someone in trouble. I can use it to help a child. I can share them with younger people to help them prevent those situations. And I sometimes read them to remind myself that I am getting better. I can cross off some of those behaviors. I have made progress.

  My apologies if this blog rambles a bit. I just wanted to give those reading this a little perspective on those lists. Those words mean little really and yet describe some pretty horrid things. Despite that, they are part of my recovery.

Signs A Child is Being Abused

   If you are a care giver for a child and are concerned for their well being. Please review the longer, more comprehensive pdf supplied by Child Help ( http://www.childhelp.org/page/-/pdfs/Child-Abuse-Definitions.pdf ). The following list is compiled mainly from this source, and contains only the more common symptoms.

• Physical Abuse
• Recurrent injuries with inconsistent or implausible excuses
• Unusually shaped bruises or injuries ( as if from an object)
• Injuries in uncommon locations, such as neck, back, underarms, etc.
• Burns, lacerations, welts ( especially in young children)
• Broken bones
• Wearing long sleeves or pants in warm weather
• Hair Loss
• Nightmares, Insomnia
• Regression
• Artwork or expression of violence
• Fear, withdrawal, depression

• Sexual Abuse
• Compulsive masturbation and/or the desire to teach others to masturbate
• Sexually acting out
• Unusual curiosity about sex and sexual topics
• Bleeding or injury to genitals ( complaints of pain or itching in these areas)
• Torn, bloody, or stained undergarments
• Frequent sore throats, yeast or urinary infections without explanation
• Bed wetting, soiling oneself, and playing with excrement 
• Difficulty sitting or walking
• STD / Pregnancy, particularly in early adolescences
• Expression of unusual sexual themes in school work or artwork
• Substance Abuse, running away, fire starting
• OCD or Depression
• Sleeping problems
• Fears or phobias
• Somatic symptoms

• Emotional Abuse
• Hiding or averting eyes
• Lowering gaze
• Forcing a smile
• Poor Self-esteem
• Depression
• Defensiveness, confusion, or denial
• Eating disorders, sleeping disorders, nightmares, speech disorders
• Suicide or suicide attempts
• Regression
• Difficulty in relationships
• Delayed development
• Nervous disorders

  It goes without saying that many of these symptoms on their own can exist without abuse being present. However, a number of them existing together should provide reasonably suspicious of abuse. Care takers who notice these symptoms should read the PDF file from which this list was compiled and follow the guidelines at the end for reporting.

Am I Being Abused? / The Signs of an Abuser

 
   It can be difficult to know what constitutes abuse. The abuser may not use their fists or leave bruises; it may not seem intuitive. Below, is the list published by the Dear Abby advice columnist on the signs of domestic abuse, it can also be found here. It is very clear cut and, unfortunately, a little more difficult to find on more official sites. The National Domestic Violence Hotline site has a list that can be found here. Abuse comes in many forms, some of which have their own hallmark signs to look for. Stars suggests LoveIsRespect.org as a comprehensive resource for those questioning what consitutes abuse.

The Signs of An Abuser, as published by Dear Abby

  The signs of an abuser are:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUSY: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect woman and meet his every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble"; the abuser may deprive you of a phone or car or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS AND MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if anything goes wrong.

(7) MAKES EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of, "I am angry" or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND TO CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes you, or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects a woman to serve, obey and remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in a matter of minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says they made him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't really mean it."

* An abuser can be any gender, as can a victim. Age, social status, gender, race, etc are irrelevant when deciding if someone is an abuser or if someone is a victim.

Explaining the Title

  I wanted to take a moment and explain my blog title.

  "May The Stars Shine Upon You" is a very special phrase to me. I lost my faith in the aftermath of my abuse. I was in an incredibly dark place, suicidal even. It felt like I could never breath enough air in, like my soul had been torn in two. One day, I lay on my bedroom floor, in this acute agony, crying. I looked out the window and something about the way the sunlight played through the trees caught me. It was as if those bright colored beams lifted the pain away. I hurt still but the agony was bearable again.

  It seemed a miracle to me. I was no less taken off guard the second it time it happened. I suffered abuse again at the hands of a romantic partner in my teens, and this time it was the stars that lifted the pain away. It was in that moment when the whole sky seemed beyond infinite, a great bowl above me, and the clear light of a million stars shined down. Again, the tears eased, the pain melted some. I had reprieve.

  I may not believe in any god, or pray to anything. But I have no doubt that something beyond me took pity on the girl so tiny and insignificant below that great expanse. I wish that those same stars would shine down upon any who read this, and do for you what they did for me. Life is still difficult at times and it still hurts but I can breath again.

Welcome to The Stars

    Welcome to May The Stars Shine Upon you. This blog is intended to tell a story, start a discussion, and provide some relief to those who live their life in the aftermath of abuse, whether it is sexual, physical, or emotional. It is for the everyday struggles of those who have survived and seek to move on with life. It is about how everything has changed, even if to others it seems the same.

   The idea for this blog came about when I realized that no matter how many self help books I looked at, they all very vaguely described my experiences. I needed more. I was looking for the why, the how, and to feel less alone. I am not the only one. This blog will be primarily written by myself, but also with input from others who have survived their own pasts.

  So if you are reading this as a survivor, as a loved one, as someone struggling with everyday. Please know that you are in  no way alone in this battle. It doesn't end when the abuse ends, it lasts for as long as we do.

   I hope to have this blog cover all the day to day struggles from the inside. The negative emotions, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the inability to feel safe, the relationship problems it creates, the social issues, the attempt at communicating, becoming a survivor rather than a victim, and many other aspects of life after abuse. Please feel free to comment, share your story if you desire, or ask more specific questions.


                                                                          We are not alone. And I reject to live this in silence.
                                                                                                             - D.M.