Negative Emotions: Powerlessness

   This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

    Powerlessness means to lack the sufficient ability, power, or means according to the Webster-Merriam dictionary. This definition doesn't quite capture the emotion this post is about, but its synonym inadequacy doesn't quite capture the depth of this emotion either. The powerlessness that the abused suffer from is a profound sense of inability to change or better oneself. It is the feeling that you have no control over your own body, mind, finances, reproductive health, or self worth. Powerlessness manifests itself in a number of ways. It can come across as insecurity, anger, hesitation, avoidance, and fear. 

    Powerlessness may also be referred to as "learned helplessness" (a technical term) which is the inability to defend against the abuse due to learned behaviors. These behaviors are reinforced when attempts to report abuse are not taken seriously or handled appropriately by figures of authority. They may also stem from situations in which abuse escalated after attempts at fighting back or resisting. Essentially, the abused learns to accept or internalize the abuse in order to avoid more abuse or damage.

   Powerlessness can be a huge stumbling block for many survivors, particularly if the abuse is recent. Many types of abuse have a period of 'grooming' or escalation where the abuser will chip away at self-esteem and normal social barriers. The abuser may isolate the victim or condition them in such a way that their self-worth is virtual nonexistent. This makes it easier for the abuser to either hide or rationalize away the abuse.Powerlessness is a result of that conditioning and isolation,  though more serious psychological problems may also result. The abuser needs the victim to feel alone, insecure, and as if they have no way out in order to continue the abuse. These feeling do not immediately end when the abuse does. 

   A survivor may spend a very long time trying to relearn healthy behaviors and how to trust. It can feel a lot like the abuser still has control of their life in some way, as though they are still in control. This may be due to damaged self-image, physical injuries, medical issues, psychological issues, financial ruin, or physical destruction. There are a great many ways these issues can present and play out for a survivor. Some examples are as follows in our collaborators experiences. We realize that this is a tiny section of the issues survivors as a whole work with but hope that others will share their own experiences below and with each other.

   "The first series of abuse I endured ended nearly a decade ago, and the second about half a decade ago. The first set of abuse has made certain genres of music unbearable, induces a certain type of nightmare, left a severe distaste for a variety of 'pet names', created a fear of being in close quarters with men, an inability to relate sex and love, and a dislike of certain sexual actions. The second resulted in a notable weight gain, damaged self-esteem,increased frequency and incredibly violent nightmares, another set of nicknames I can't stand, made any sort of loud speech terrifying, nerve damage, an extreme anxiety/paranoia about returning to my hometown, and a return of some sexuality issues. 

     The first set of issues are much reduced now. I simply dislike people I don't know in my personal space, and I have worked hard to rehabilitate my perception of sex. I still have nightmares but they are less violent and explicit as of late. The second set is still a work in progress. It is very hard to feel like I can ever return to 'normal' when I don't know why I am so scared or how to make it go away. There is this logical component to it, something saying why worry about that. Then there is this emotional component that is is saying HELL NO!!! It really feels like I don't have control of certain trains of thought at all, or emotions. I simply do not visit my hometown unless absolutely necessary. The physical damage has restricted me somewhat in my career path, and its really really hard to feel like things are okay some days. I get off of a productive but hectic work shift and am in a lot of pain, more than everyone else. Sometimes I just sit on the floor and cry. I don't ever want to rely on pain meds like my ex did, and my doctor has had a hard time pinpointing what the problem is. I can take care of myself physically and it reduces the things that make me hurt like that but its never going to not be a problem. It's disheartening at times to realize that you have literally no real control over your body or emotions years later. I wouldn't ever refer to all of that together as powerlessness but that's what it is. It's the feeling that no matter how hard I try, I can never completely undo some of those things. Damage from things I never ever wanted in the first place." -D.M.

   Powerlessness might not be something you can completely remove from your life, because it also occurs in various benign social situations and some medical situations. It is something that every survivor can work on reducing though. The first step is to work on your own self-esteem and self worth. That might be hitting the gym, getting more involved with your community, picking up an old hobby, or simply setting goals and working toward them. Education helps immensely, please refer to our resources page. Learn about abuse, the effects, and what resources are near you. Professional therapy might be necessary. It can be hard to take that step but its worth it. It helps to rebuild yourself, to find a solid support group, and to actively try to work through some of the issues that you can. Overcoming powerlessness is about establishing your own identity again and taking control of your life.

  Our collaborators would like to share some of their experiences with working past feelings of powerlessness, if you would also like to share, please do so in the comments below.

   " My experiences with powerlessness are often in relation to things I have lost or can not do anymore, although on many occasions during the abuse I felt powerless or like I had no choice in the matter. I often felt that the consequences of trying to stop it were worse than the abuse itself. However misguided or wrong I may have been at the time, the thought of causing additional stress or hardship to my family was always compelling me to be silent. The fear that what was scary and mildly uncomfortable could become violent and permanently damaging was often present. I admit that even writing this makes me a little nervous because either of my abusers could read this and decide to act against me. I generally focus on moving forward though so I am going to share some of my perspective on that now.

     There are some incredibly difficult moments to rebuilding myself, but I always kept one goal in mind through the entire relationship I had with my ex turned abuser. I wanted to become a baker or pastry chef. I wanted to get into this private university to study culinary arts. It's what I am passionate about. It was way easier to do things when it was just another step toward that goal, and I was like a rabid dog latched onto that goal. The acceptance letter to graduation, it felt like I was taking back bits of myself in a way. It wasn't ever easy but it was something that my abusers didn't and couldn't take from me. It was actually one of the only things I felt that couldn't take from me. Graduation was a huge triumph for me, much more than a diploma, it was the knowledge that I had succeeded in the face of so much difficulty and pain. 

     Culinary school was not the end of my journey though. There are so many other tasks that I have had to go through even when I felt out of control and terrified. I can tell you that it was almost torture to sit in a doctor's office and explain that I had this injury because I was physically assaulted. I almost backed out of going. It was a whole process for me, from making the appointment to getting results. I knew that they weren't going to tell me I was dying but it made everything so vividly real for me. I went because this is just another step toward my baker goal. I don't want the damage done to continue to affect my job. It doesn't make it any easier to sit there and admit that I have lost control over a portion of my physical and mental wellbeing. I hated the pity and disbelief, as if I allowed this horrible thing to happen to me. I had not allowed it to happen, I had minimized the damage as much as I could but I had no ability to stop it.

   The damage done is evident beyond school and work. It's part of my personal life. I deal with the after effects of my abuse in many ways small and large.It is really embarrassing to ask my significant other if we can leave a restaurant that we already ordered at, because the music is causing me to flashback. It was knowing that no matter how much I really wanted my plate of ribs, that I didn't want to think about my abuser on a night out. I don't want my abuser to ever mess up the wonderful things I do have in my life, in spite of the abuse. I want my life to be more than that. Sometimes it takes work but damn it, I want that insane happy ever after with casual date nights, whole days in bed, silliness... and that's my new goal. I want to build a real life with my Love."
                                                                                                                                                                        -D.M.

"One of the things that I remember the most about living in a home with abuse is that sense of powerlessness. I was thinking about how much larger than me the abuser was and that not even my mom, who I had always thought of as the only protection I knew, could do anything to stop him. I was mad at her for not stopping him, until I realized she was even more scared than I was. She was scared of being alone and of what he might do to me. She was scared of what would happen if she wasn’t there with my siblings and I, if she wasn’t home with us. It was that sense of powerlessness that was the strongest thing I had ever felt; until the day my anger was stronger than that powerlessness. The day I had that realization is the day my childhood ended, and it is a source of some of my anger issues. Those anger issues continue to be something I work on and the reason I diligently strive to avoid violence as a means of expression or resolution within my daily life." - Thomas

*** The following account contains some graphic imagery and personal experiences that may trigger individuals with similar backgrounds or sensitivities. Please be advised to skip over the following text in gray. ***

"I was abused while very young, in physically violent fashion, by adults. I quickly learned that if I fought back, things would only be worse. That the best thing was simply to lay there and let it happen, and let my mind go somewhere else while it did.

   To quote something I've written before: "I remember laying there, bent over the tailgate of a truck. We'd both just been used.  My uncle and the other man were smoking, talking to each other after.  I was laying there, crying silently. You learn not to make noise because if you do, and they don't like the noise you make, they hurt you more. However, if they do like the noise you make, that's worse. They had tied the other boy's wrists to one of the supports that held up the truck's tailgate. He had managed to free his hands one at a time. Then he was shaking my arm, trying to get me to move, looking at me with desperate eyes. I was ten, or thereabouts at the time. Two years it'd been happening, on and off. I had learned not to fight and I had learned what happens when you fight. He hadn't.

There's a line from a Springsteen song: 'you end up like a dog that's been beat too much, spend half your life just a-coverin' up'.  That was me then and sometimes it still is.

Once you've learned that habit of not fighting back, of not trying to do anything about what's happening to you, it spills over into other parts of your life. You don't talk to people, even the ones who are important to you, because you're afraid you'll say the wrong thing. You don't protest when you're handed a shitty assignment at work, because you're afraid you'll get fired. You acquire the internal belief that things just happen to you, and there's nothing you can do about it - and because of that, you don't try to take control of things. You're already sure that it won't work, deep down inside, so why make the effort?" - T.

Negative Emotions: Anxiety

   This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

     Anxiety is 'an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs such as sweating, tension, and increased pulse. It is caused by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, as well as self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.' This is the definition provided by the Webster-Merriam dictionary. Anxiety can also be considered a medical condition for which the exact cause is not fully understood, although it can be linked to a number of medical conditions or as a side effect to medication. More information about anxiety as a medical condition can be found on the Mayo Clinic website. The two are not mutually exclusive, and anxiety related to abuse should be treated as a medical condition.

    Anxiety is an emotion that most people can empathize with. It can be expressed in many ways, and has a spectrum of severity. The majority of people experience lesser forms of anxiety throughout their life when in stressful situations while persons with medical issues or traumatic pasts may experience a more severe or pervasive form of anxiety. Coping mechanisms for anxiety range from the benign to the extreme with some being healthy and other destructive. Meditation, breathing exercises, therapy, and medication are the most common solutions provided by the medical community. Professional assistance may be needed if coping mechanisms include obsessive compulsive thoughts, self harm, destructive behaviors, harming others, or forms of self-sabotage (within personal and/or professional aspects of life). 

    It is difficult to cover the full range of those spectrums in a short post but we hope to share some of our experiences with anxiety here. As usual, we invite our readers to share their experiences with anxiety in the comments.

     " Anxiety is never the word I use to describe how I feel. It seems to mundane compared to the uneasy, restless feeling seeping out of my bones. It is however the main issue I spend most of my days working against. Recently, it reached a point where I sought out therapy. I have put off seeing a therapist for many years, instead focusing on building a support group, freewriting, and meditation.  I have other legitimate issues that I struggle with such as nightmares and flashbacks. These are incredibly unpleasant issues to deal with, and after time I began to feel anxious that I would again experience a nightmare or flashback. I started putting off sleep or leaving my house after I had hit a trigger, both of which made matters worse. I was withdrawing from social situations and nervous at work. I was spending a lot of time dwelling on the feelings.  A friend finally told me I needed help when a stalking situation caused a flashback, and I started having panic attacks after consensual, desired sex with my significant other. I would enjoy myself until the end and then instead of afterglow I would have this intense, very rapid emotional free fall ending in dread. It was a familiar feeling in a way, but it had been a number of years since I had been in any of the situations that had originally caused me to feel that way.

     I made an appointment with a therapist the day my friend suggested it. He really isn't the type to suggest therapy at all, so I knew I must have shocked him with my revelation. I was initially very scared to see a therapist but the appointment went well. It was decided that I was having panic attacks due to anxiety and that it had probably intensified due to the issue with the stalker situation. I was told that I had done everything I could outside of therapy. It was a relief to talk to someone about everything. I was assigned a list of questions to help me rationalize situations (such as being safe outside my house) and was told to do some EMDR exercises. I was also encouraged to continue my normal activities with increased exercise, allowing time to prove to myself that everything was okay. Medication was considered as a last resort. I thankfully have not needed to take that last step as of writing this post. 

    Ultimately, I have to employ rationalization the most, followed by breathing exercises and EMDR. I will make myself do something in spite of the anxiety if I can find no rational reason for it."  - D.M.



     "Anxiety from abuse comes in a lot of forms, and it's not always obvious, even to the sufferer. Social anxiety easily gets interpreted as "being shy", especially for those who abuse happened early. Generalized anxiety can be hard to recognize as well, as it becomes so pervasive that it simply blends into the background of your life. You don't notice that you're slowly becoming a shut-in, or you rationalize it as what you want.

     It's okay to have just a few friends, but if you feel like you have no friends, or like your circle of friends keeps getting smaller, definitely get assessed for anxiety. I personally spent years with a shrinking circle of local friends, as those who I knew from high school and college moved away, and I was too socially anxious to get out and make more. It took a suicide attempt and the ensuing therapy to get me to actually start finding local activities and making friends again.

     As someone with dissociative tendencies, my experience of anxiety is also a bit different. I can get the increased heart rate, sweaty palms, and so forth - or, sometimes, all of that shuts down, and I do things as someone else, switching into a mental mode of detachment, like I'm a rider inside my head, watching someone else work the controls. I don't physically feel anxious in that state, so it took me a long time to link that with being anxious. Now that I have, though, I know it's also something to watch out for."  - T

   As usual, there is a fair chance that more personal experiences will be added as out collaborators find time to submit their choice of words.

     Anxiety is one of the harder emotions to broadly define because it expresses itself in so many ways and no two people will cope with it in exactly the same way. The healthiest and most effective solutions are meditation, therapy, and medication. These may be supplemented by life style changes, mindfulness techniques, and sheer will power at times. We strongly encourage readers who are using alcohol, drugs, or self-harm as coping techniques to look into other alternatives and to review our Resources and Help page for where best to find assistance. Additional resources include the United Way Organization within your local community. They can provide a directory of organizations within each community that specialize in helping people with substance abuse, domestic abuse, crisis and suicide prevention, and other important community services.

    

   

Negative Emotions: Anger and Rage

This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

   Anger and rage are the next emotions in our negative emotions section. These two are some of the most outwardly visible expressions of emotion in survivors. It can be more pronounced in children. The definitions of anger and rage are as followed and provided by the online version of the Meriam-Webster dictionary.

Anger is to be filled with anger; having a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed.

Rage is a strong feeling of anger that is difficult to control.

  These two emotions are often expressed in unhealthy and aggressive ways. Anger is a natural reaction to a number of situations and can be expressed in constructive healthy ways. The unhealthy and aggressive expression of these emotions create some of the most clear cries for help in children due to the difficulty caused to daycare and school workers. Inversely, aggressive expression of these emotions will lead to adult survivors alienating themselves. Anger and rage can be signs of many types of dysfunction within a persons life, a result of trauma, or as an expression of complex feelings. There are also certain personality types that channel any negative emotion in anger. It can be as much a defense mechanism as a weapon.

  Anger and rage stem from and are resolved in different ways for different people. Our collaborators want to share some of their experiences with anger and rage.  We invite our readers to share their own experiences in the comment section if they feel comfortable doing so.

  " I don't often think about the anger involved in my own healing process. Its usually this extreme amount of bitterness when I am in a lot of pain resulting from my physical abuse. I have been working all day and instead of just aching like a normal person I am sitting on my floor crying and humming to myself. Its generally about that time that I feel angry. I have some days where it just hits me. It could be nightmares or some relationship problem I am working on, but all of a sudden I am just incredibly angry. The following is an excerpt from my personal blog and it captures what those days feel like.

"Somedays I just want to scream. I dont want to censor or silence myself. Its beyond longing to simply release the feral beast trapped within. She is not a quiet, passive person. She rages, slamming against the walls of her prison while snarling and clawing any happiness nearby. She need not be provoked for simply being awake is enough to draw forth a mighty anger bore from the darkest reaches of my own soul. Today, today I want to scream. I dont want to reason with those I love or hope for their acceptance. Somehow today I want to scream to the overcast skies that there are still unhealed wounds, that I can not bear the saline words ground into them. The silent denial of truths that rock my world, the blissful ignorance of the black abyss monster always poised to drag me under the churning waves. The endless nights laying awake because I can feel the shadows settle as my demons hover over me waiting to lead a legion of nightmares into my slumbering mind. Its the conflict of the primal being as she struggles with her rational form. Its the cramped box of expectation as the air runs out.

Today, today I want to scream. I want to roar, leave my throat raw with the rage I hold inside. Today I dont want to smile and lie."

    I handle anger and rage in a couple of ways. I normally talk myself through it or sometimes try screaming in a room by myself. Those help most of the time. I have used painting to work out some of the feelings even. I used my hands, paint brushes, razor blades, and broken glass. It was really therapeutic to put all the negative emotions, anger and impulses onto the canvas. I am including a photo, and it doesn't look like much but in person it helps. 

The Boxes

      I can see the broken glass and the blade sticking out of the canvas. I can feel all the rage put into it, but its trapt on my canvas now. Its not inside me anymore. Painting and writing have been really good outlets. I highly suggest freewriting. Just grab a marker and a big sheet of paper, scream as much as you want and scribble down whatever you are thinking. I used to have pages and pages that just said fuck you over and over again. The key is to get the feelings out for me."

                                                                                                        -D.M.

* There is a very good chance that another personal experience will be added to this post. However, some of our collaborators are not very good with deadlines.

Negative Emotions: Shame and Guilt

  This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

  Shame and guilt are separate emotions but often seem to come as a pair. Their definitions are similar and as follows.

  Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; the ability to feel guilt, regret, or embarrassment. It is also defined as dishonor or disgrace.

 Guilt is a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong.

   Both of these definitions were provided by the online version of the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Please note that shame is literally the ability to feel guilt. I picked the definitions appropriate to our post.

   Shame and guilt are some of the foremost feelings many survivors have about their abuse. These emotions can easily consume the entirety of some and are often the reasons that some forms of abuse go unreported. They make it difficult to share with others or seek help. The aspects of abuse that generate feelings of shame and guilt will vary for each person and depending on the social norms in their society. For example, men in Western societies often feel shame for physical and sexual abuse due to social perceptions of masculinity. [ A deeper look into this topic can be found here.] Various cultures place blame on female victims of rape, seeing the attack as a form dishonor; a direct opposition to the common perception in many western societies.

    Each survivor will experience shame and guilt for different reasons and at different times. The following paragraphs are personal experiences that our collaborators would like to share from their lives. We  invite readers to add their own experiences in the comment section.

   "It has always been a more guilt than shame for me. I kept my early sexual abuse to myself for a number of reasons, some of which were youthfully naive in hindsight. I thought of myself as the good girl, the responsible big sister, the good daughter helping after my parents divorced. It felt a lot like saying something would destroy my family as it was, like I was being selfish, because I could see how much my abuser contributed to our house financially and I had an idea how hard things could be otherwise. It also felt as if I had betrayed my custodial parent, since it was their significant other at the time, but it was still an adult giving directions. I was conflicted on what to do, how to behave and be the 'good girl'.

    We went to church a lot at the time and I was at the age where they begin to drum the abstinence and purity ideals into your head. I remember feeling like I had already messed up, that even my immortal soul was soiled by the confusing occurrences. 

  It took a while before I realized that I had been abused. There were not a lot of resources that I could find easily  at the time and a lot of misconceptions about abuse were the best I had to go on. It was mostly the sorts of things friends had been checked for by DCF (Department of Children & Families). I had no bruises, cuts, blood, or physical trauma to show and it had moments of being somewhat enjoyable even, which only made things worse. The guilt became unbearable for a time as I searched for salvation. It was infinitely complicated by the complex whirlwind that is puberty. I was very confused and depressed. I truly thought that the nightmares and building depression were a punishment from God. I prayed a lot for a while, but in the end I lost my faith in Christianity. I was very scared that if I told anyone that they would yell at me, maybe hit me or call me a liar. I could not imagine a compassionate response or that my parents would still love me. I finally told my best friends. I felt like I wanted to melt through the ground and end all existence. I wanted more than anything to cease to be. Not the desperate desire to end pain as when suicidal, a desire to simply undo all that I ever was. I simply wanted to not have been able to disappoint anyone or fail in this huge way. It felt as if there would never be any redemption for allowing this to happen, for my reactions, or for not figuring things out sooner.

    I still deal with moments of extreme guilt at times. It has lessened with the years but a lot of dealing with it has been a conscious effort. I began to learn more about abuse as a whole and tried to rationalize things. It helped me greatly to learn that your body will physiologically react to stimuli regardless of the origin of the stimulation. I learned that it is possibly for victims of sexual abuse and rape to orgasm from the assault. It is simply what your body is built to do, and in many ways the natural reaction helps to lessen physical damage. It can wreck you emotionally though.

   Ultimately, an odd book by my favorite author helped me with this. It has a female lead who has been repeatedly abused in a sexual manner; she is scared and unable to consummate her relationship with her husband because of it. The story takes place as they travel through alternate dimensions. She is on this other world talking with a female character who really enjoys sex, and where sex is viewed as a natural biological action. There isn't really any social taboos about sexuality, provided both parties consent. The have a conversation about their view points on sex and men, each reliving memories. The end bit of the conversation is about how the abused lead simply did what she had to in each situation and how it simply was not her fault that other people where bad, as rationalized by the other woman. She was forced to make difficult choices in harsh situations. Its a bit more complex than that but it helped me to read those words. It gave me some hope that the real world reaction would be the same. I liked the idea that I could take personal responsibility for my actions without it necessarily meaning that my actions lead to my abuse." -D.M.

  "Shame has been a big part of my experience.  I grew up in the South in the ‘70s, when calling a man gay or a fag was a huge insult.  Gay men, and gay behavior, were stigmatized in a way that I’m not sure those who are in their 20s can really grasp.  In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, when I was being abused, there was still largely a national media blackout on talking about gays and gay rights.  Gays were largely in the closet — only 24% of people surveyed said they knew anyone who was gay, compared to 76% today.

  Because I am a male who was abused by a male, my abuser used this stigma to help keep me from talking about it.  Even though I was not gay, and did not desire nor initiate any of the sexual activity that was done to me, I was called faggot, gay boy, cunt-face, and so forth by those who abused me. 

  The one time I called one of them a faggot, he threatened to cut my tongue out, and actually took a knife and made a cut on my tongue.  I still have the scar.
  I still battle feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which have affected my social and sexual relationships.  It’s hard to change the mental habits of a lifetime.  It’s made it difficult to advocate for myself, to discuss what was done to me, and makes discussions of sexual experiences painful." - T.

  "Shame has been a big part of my life for a long time; whether it was shame at being a disappointment to my family or the shame of letting myself get put into the situation where I could be abused. I believed that my abuse had been my fault and that I had brought it on myself. 

I was always told that if I let myself get taken advantage of, that I should just deal with it. So I tried. But I just felt like the slut I was called. It was even worse that I had to look into their knowing eyes every day at work. That they knew what they had done and that I had been powerless to stop them. 

It was even harder to admit to my friends and my now husband what had happened. I was so afraid they would believe I had wanted it or that I was lying. My husband has helped me accept that nothing was my fault and that what they did was unforgivable. It is a hard battle but it has gotten better. I have been able to be open with my husband and been able to trust again." -Nemo

[ It is important to note that many societies change over time as progress is made. This can make talking about certain type of abuse more difficult because the views on some issues at that time are now considered to be outdated and wrong. The effect is the same, even if the survivor never shared those views or is strongly against them. It is simply the way things were at the time.]

 The last part of this post is intended to provide survivors with some idea how to work past this particular emotion. A lot of these will have very similar answers in the end but we do hope that our stories will provide a base point for any survivor reading this.

  Guilt and shame are very difficult feelings to deal with. They perpetuate a feeling of isolation that makes seeking help much more difficult. Ideally, these issues are best dealt with by speaking with a professional therapist and educating yourself about the abuse suffered. A support group may also be helpful.  Sharing with a sympathetic audience, as discussed previously here, can be a great help for feelings of guilt and shame. The experience of positive reactions counter to expectation can be a great help for survivors with feelings of guilt and shame. Many of the negative emotions are a matter of personal introspection to get past, guilt and shame take courage to admit to and then active practice to move beyond.

Negative Emotions: An Introdution

  This post is the introduction to our section on negative emotions. This section will be largely for the survivors themselves. It will be a means to define and discuss the various negative emotions that a survivor may experience daily and any ways we can work past them.

    Negative emotions are any emotions that do not feel good. They are the 'bad' feelings or painful parts of life. This section is dedicated to those emotions, particularly the ones that relate to surviving abuse.

  The negative emotions we will cover are as follows:

• Shame and Guilt
• Anger and Rage
• Powerlessness
• Anxiety
• Loneliness
• Low Self-esteem/ Self-worth

 [Self-harm, suicidal tendencies, and disassociation will all be covered in more detail in future posts. If any of these are your current concern, please message us and we will get you the information you need.]

  It is not uncommon for these emotions to manifest themselves at inopportune moments and for them to be described as 'inner voices'. The majority of people referring to this do not mean actual voices that some people suffering from schizophrenia experience, but rather a persistent thought or train of thought. These thoughts may be an unwanted interruption to life or something one dwells on, either way, its as if one's conscience decided to go haywire.

  These 'inner voices' may continually remind a survivor of their negative feelings or regrets regarding their abuse. It could be as though their own mind were taunting them. This is often were logic and emotion disagree, leading to conflicted feelings and memories.

  This section will explore those emotions and give light to those voices.

"It Could Be Worse." It is the moment you say those words.

  This post is specifically for listeners and loved ones. It is the flip side of "Are You Okay?"

   There are many times in life that we find ourselves on the receiving end of a difficult disclosure. It could be finding out about someone passing away, a tragic accident, or any number of other situations. It can be very hard to find the right words at those times. We may wish to offer comfort or provide perspective and find ourselves relying on an old cliche. This post is about why those cliches are damaging.

   Let us all begin by acknowledging that each one of us is in a physically, emotionally, financially, or mentally better place than another person on this planet. We are also worse than another person on this planet. We are neither in the best nor worst position. This state of being will be the case from the moment you are born until the moment you die. It is simply a fact of life. Life is not fair and we all must get past that.

   That being said, it is important that we all try to have some sense of perspective. This can be very difficult for many people for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we want to remind someone to count their blessings rather than their sorrows. An understandable sentiment but one which has given us a number of unfortunate phrases.

  These phrases are intended to express that one person believes the other needs some perspective. This might be true but many times the uses of these phrases does not convey that concept. It rather says to the survivor that their experience was not "tragic" enough to warrant the very complex and difficult after effects. These effects range from mild depression to suicidal thoughts. They can include violent impulses, nightmares, disturbing flashbacks, and even be expressed as a number of mental disorders. Everyone has their own tolerance for trauma; thus everyone will get a slightly different mix of effects. These effects can be highly unpleasant.

 The following phrases have each been suggested by a collaborator based on their person experiences. These are things that someone told one or more of us as we attempted to share our stories and experience. We can each attest to how hurtful they were and how they made us feel very alone at times. It is very isolating to experience unpleasant after effects that no one wants to help you weather.

  The phrases are as follows:

• It could be worse.
• At least you're still alive...
• That happened a long time ago, you should be over it.
• Worse things happen to people everyday.
• If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else.
• [Abuser] would never do that.
• It couldn't have been that bad, he/she didn't beat you.
• You must have done something to ask for it.
• Why didn't you just ______ ? 

 These phrases cover a variety of reactions. Some are intended to provide perspective, some are denial, some are misunderstand and some are just attacks. Each of them creates an issue for the survivor who hears them. They can suggest the abuse was less severe than it was, show a complete lack of understanding, come off as callous, basically call the survivor a liar, or just bring up bad memories. It can even feel like a push for more details very quickly, something that more survivors aren't likely to do. It makes a difficult scary situation into a terrifying game of wanting to be believed vs. sharing too quickly.
 
   Many times, survivors do wish that things either hadn't happened or had been the obvious sort of 'bad' that everyone else can recognize. There are many forms of abuse that leave no physical marks and are socially considered to be 'less' damaging. They are not less anything. Furthermore, a survivor may have very conflicted feelings about their abuse. They may be second guessing a lot of their own actions and memories to begin with. On the whole, survivors don't want worse things to happen to other people and they are not trying to take away from the severity of other tragedies. It should be enough that our own trauma has a level of severity that should be taken seriously without acting as if we should be grateful it wasn't worse. Honestly, sometimes worse seems easier, more clear cut to explain and easier to find support for.

  Something to consider for those who read this as a loved one, care taker, or authority figure.

 Finally, if you find yourself thinking of saying something along the lines of " It could be worse." Consider instead saying, " I know this is really difficult for you, but can we take a moment to focus on some of the positive things in your life, like _________." This helps to redirect the survivor to more positive thoughts without belittling their feelings or experience. The other responses show that the listener either doesn't understand the severity of abuse in general or is not the best person to confide in the begin with.


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   This last little section is to address the responses that male survivor sometimes get when they reveal that their abuser was female.

• I wish that'd happened to me.
• That's awesome!
• How did you get with an older chick?
• I love [ explicit sexual act ].

  First off, a woman is capable of sexually assaulting or raping a male. Second, arousal is a physical response that many of us have no real control over, consider 'morning wood' or 'workout orgasms'. This automatic physical reaction is not a yes for women, nor for men.

  That being said, our society places a lot of importance on men being macho. It is socially acceptable and even desirable for a man to be with many sexual partners; particularly if they are skilled in some way. A portion of our population thinks that anytime a male is sexual interacting with a female, that it must be pleasurable and wanted by the male. Also, that a man could or would never actually be overpowered or violated by a woman. That is not the case and expressing that as a listener you wish you were in a position to be sexually assaulted or raped- you have shown a complete lack of sensitivity and awareness of serious social issues. Basically, anything that sounds like "I wish it had happened to me," is going to show you have no idea how devastating it is to have no control over your situation or body. It shows you have never even considered that you could be forcibly held down or drugged.

  My only suggestion for this one is, DO NOT SAY IT! I don't care what you are thinking- keep your mouth shut. You are going to do way more harm than good with this one. I suggest some serious research on your part to become better informed. Do not ever tell a survivor that you wish you had experience their abuse. Its beyond not acceptable.


 

How to Communicate: Sharing

  Sharing your story as a survivor can be a most conflicting experience. It feels like an impossible task, being both terrifying and compelling. This choice to share is a deeply personal one, and the way it unfolds can have a huge impact.

 There are a lot of factors to consider when sharing your story. The most important one of all is how you feel about sharing. Sharing will not necessarily be this huge painful event, nor will it necessarily be a huge relief. Rather, it will be somewhere on the spectrum between the two. Your story, when told aloud, will become more real than you have ever imagined in some ways, but it will also lose some of its emotional hold over you.

   The best way to get a read on how you feel about sharing is to pick a quiet place, go there alone, and act it out. Imagine the person you would want to tell is there with you, and actually say the words out loud so you can hear them. Start with something simple such as, "I was abused." The shorter and simpler your opening statement, the easier it will be to just 'jump into' it. Play out the whole conversation in your head and as many reactions as you can imagine. Talk every one of them out. Consider if any of those scenarios helped you to feel better in a way, or if they hurt more than you can tolerate. Sharing may be easiest when you reach a point of "I cant stand the silence/lying anymore," or " I need to tell someone." These feelings will give you more drive to share your story.

  The second most important factor in sharing about your abuse, is deciding who to share your story with. Ideally, the best person to share with is someone who will listen quietly, ask only intelligent and necessary questions, be empathetic, and can keep appropriate confidence. This may not be a family member or close friend.

       Individuals who have done some soul searching and decided that legal action will be necessary (particularly if your abuser has access to other potential victims) will need to pick an authority figure who can be trusted to listen and take appropriate action. This can be any number of persons depending on your situation. It might be a parent, a teacher, a member of clergy, a police officer, a social worker or a doctor. Many of the people in these roles are legally obligated to report suspicion of abuse. Women in particular may find their best opportunity is in their doctor's office, and many medical professionals are given training for such circumstances. I strongly recommend using our link here to familiarize yourself with what will happen after you disclose your abuse, no matter who you choose to disclose it to.

  Some survivors may find themselves in situations where legal action is not their chosen course, or could jeopardize their safety. These individuals may choose to share their story with a friend, a family member, a therapist (some of which may be legally required to report abuse), or other survivors. It is very important to take time to honestly consider the pros and cons of the person you choose to confide in and why. You are looking for someone who can keep confidence, have an open mind, comfortably handle your story and empathize with you. Avoid persons who habitually engage in unhealthy behaviors (such as name calling or shaming you), or who put you in awkward positions. Anyone who is prone to gossip may also be a bad choice. Avoid people who might behave violently toward you. Ultimately, you will make this decision, but think about how you would feel if they tell other people, proceed to shame you, or call you names. These are all very hurtful actions that can negatively impact you and the whole sharing experience.

   Once you have decided if you are ready to share and who you want to share with, you need to decide how you want to share. This will vary greatly depending on whether you are taking legal action or not. Those of you seeking legal action in the U.S.A., please use this link to guide you in how to proceed. Those of you seeking legal action in the U.K. can find more information here.

   There are many ways to share your story with another person. Each has its pros and cons, so choose the one that will work best for you. I advocate face to face conversations if you can handle them. It allows you to connect with another person and then allows them to provide tangible comfort if needed. Writing a letter or email can be a less personal way to share your story, as it will offer a bit of a buffer if you need to work on your confession in bits and pieces. You can even combine the two and write a letter, then read it outloud. Some people may find that creating something artistically helps them present their truth to others, since it begins the conversation in a way. This can be a painting, a sculpture, a song, or a poem, among many other things.

   Once you decide to share your story you will follow many of the steps mentioned in 'How to Communicate; Asking About Abuse'. Pick a safe and somewhat quiet place to talk. Make sure that both you and the person you plan to tell are in a calm emotional state and receptive to what may become an emotionally intense conversation. Try to remain calm throughout, and stop if you need to. Be prepared for the listener to need time to digest what you say. Consider that they may respond in a number of ways, some negative and some positive.

  The conversation of abuse should be started in a simple way, much like you practiced alone. A short statement of fact. Allow your listener to absorb that information and then consider asking them if you may tell them the rest of your story. Keep in mind that others may have a similar past or be unwilling to listen. Give your listener a chance to make that decision on their own. Someone who chooses to engage you in this way is more likely to provide you with positive support.

  The conversation from that point could unfold in a number of different ways. You may find that you can continue very calmly, you may become very emotional being angry or sad, or you may choke up. Try not to rush yourself and move at the pace that is best for you. It is a complicated process and you may find yourself admitting some darker inner feelings such as worthlessness or feeling used. [These feelings will be further discussed in their own posts shortly.]

     Personally, I felt very guilty. I openly admitted to feeling like a bad person, as if I had asked for the abuse. I truly thought I deserved in it in some way. That made it very difficult to express. It wasn't as if I had any feeling of self worth and I didn't feel I deserved worth. These things are not true, and over time I came to have a better understanding of why I felt that way and how to get past those issues, but when I first told someone; It was overwhelming.

   It is perfectly okay to stop sharing because it hurts too much. The conversation may become an ongoing one, where you share as you can. This process is about you and about coming to terms with your own story. It is complicated to say the least but it is very much worth it. Try to remain as calm as possible and don't be overly graphic to begin with. Take deep breaths and stick to the facts as much as you can. Detail what happened and how you felt about it, try not to make assumptions about your abuser's motives.

   Sharing is an incredibly personal process. It is very difficult to give hard and fast rules on how to share. The steps mention in this post are meant as guidelines to help you begin your conversation. In the end, this conversation will be unlike any you have ever had and yet like so many others.


Anyone who has shared is invited to add suggestions in the comments section of this post.