Negative Emotions: Shame and Guilt

  This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

  Shame and guilt are separate emotions but often seem to come as a pair. Their definitions are similar and as follows.

  Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; the ability to feel guilt, regret, or embarrassment. It is also defined as dishonor or disgrace.

 Guilt is a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong.

   Both of these definitions were provided by the online version of the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Please note that shame is literally the ability to feel guilt. I picked the definitions appropriate to our post.

   Shame and guilt are some of the foremost feelings many survivors have about their abuse. These emotions can easily consume the entirety of some and are often the reasons that some forms of abuse go unreported. They make it difficult to share with others or seek help. The aspects of abuse that generate feelings of shame and guilt will vary for each person and depending on the social norms in their society. For example, men in Western societies often feel shame for physical and sexual abuse due to social perceptions of masculinity. [ A deeper look into this topic can be found here.] Various cultures place blame on female victims of rape, seeing the attack as a form dishonor; a direct opposition to the common perception in many western societies.

    Each survivor will experience shame and guilt for different reasons and at different times. The following paragraphs are personal experiences that our collaborators would like to share from their lives. We  invite readers to add their own experiences in the comment section.

   "It has always been a more guilt than shame for me. I kept my early sexual abuse to myself for a number of reasons, some of which were youthfully naive in hindsight. I thought of myself as the good girl, the responsible big sister, the good daughter helping after my parents divorced. It felt a lot like saying something would destroy my family as it was, like I was being selfish, because I could see how much my abuser contributed to our house financially and I had an idea how hard things could be otherwise. It also felt as if I had betrayed my custodial parent, since it was their significant other at the time, but it was still an adult giving directions. I was conflicted on what to do, how to behave and be the 'good girl'.

    We went to church a lot at the time and I was at the age where they begin to drum the abstinence and purity ideals into your head. I remember feeling like I had already messed up, that even my immortal soul was soiled by the confusing occurrences. 

  It took a while before I realized that I had been abused. There were not a lot of resources that I could find easily  at the time and a lot of misconceptions about abuse were the best I had to go on. It was mostly the sorts of things friends had been checked for by DCF (Department of Children & Families). I had no bruises, cuts, blood, or physical trauma to show and it had moments of being somewhat enjoyable even, which only made things worse. The guilt became unbearable for a time as I searched for salvation. It was infinitely complicated by the complex whirlwind that is puberty. I was very confused and depressed. I truly thought that the nightmares and building depression were a punishment from God. I prayed a lot for a while, but in the end I lost my faith in Christianity. I was very scared that if I told anyone that they would yell at me, maybe hit me or call me a liar. I could not imagine a compassionate response or that my parents would still love me. I finally told my best friends. I felt like I wanted to melt through the ground and end all existence. I wanted more than anything to cease to be. Not the desperate desire to end pain as when suicidal, a desire to simply undo all that I ever was. I simply wanted to not have been able to disappoint anyone or fail in this huge way. It felt as if there would never be any redemption for allowing this to happen, for my reactions, or for not figuring things out sooner.

    I still deal with moments of extreme guilt at times. It has lessened with the years but a lot of dealing with it has been a conscious effort. I began to learn more about abuse as a whole and tried to rationalize things. It helped me greatly to learn that your body will physiologically react to stimuli regardless of the origin of the stimulation. I learned that it is possibly for victims of sexual abuse and rape to orgasm from the assault. It is simply what your body is built to do, and in many ways the natural reaction helps to lessen physical damage. It can wreck you emotionally though.

   Ultimately, an odd book by my favorite author helped me with this. It has a female lead who has been repeatedly abused in a sexual manner; she is scared and unable to consummate her relationship with her husband because of it. The story takes place as they travel through alternate dimensions. She is on this other world talking with a female character who really enjoys sex, and where sex is viewed as a natural biological action. There isn't really any social taboos about sexuality, provided both parties consent. The have a conversation about their view points on sex and men, each reliving memories. The end bit of the conversation is about how the abused lead simply did what she had to in each situation and how it simply was not her fault that other people where bad, as rationalized by the other woman. She was forced to make difficult choices in harsh situations. Its a bit more complex than that but it helped me to read those words. It gave me some hope that the real world reaction would be the same. I liked the idea that I could take personal responsibility for my actions without it necessarily meaning that my actions lead to my abuse." -D.M.

  "Shame has been a big part of my experience.  I grew up in the South in the ‘70s, when calling a man gay or a fag was a huge insult.  Gay men, and gay behavior, were stigmatized in a way that I’m not sure those who are in their 20s can really grasp.  In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, when I was being abused, there was still largely a national media blackout on talking about gays and gay rights.  Gays were largely in the closet — only 24% of people surveyed said they knew anyone who was gay, compared to 76% today.

  Because I am a male who was abused by a male, my abuser used this stigma to help keep me from talking about it.  Even though I was not gay, and did not desire nor initiate any of the sexual activity that was done to me, I was called faggot, gay boy, cunt-face, and so forth by those who abused me. 

  The one time I called one of them a faggot, he threatened to cut my tongue out, and actually took a knife and made a cut on my tongue.  I still have the scar.
  I still battle feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which have affected my social and sexual relationships.  It’s hard to change the mental habits of a lifetime.  It’s made it difficult to advocate for myself, to discuss what was done to me, and makes discussions of sexual experiences painful." - T.

  "Shame has been a big part of my life for a long time; whether it was shame at being a disappointment to my family or the shame of letting myself get put into the situation where I could be abused. I believed that my abuse had been my fault and that I had brought it on myself. 

I was always told that if I let myself get taken advantage of, that I should just deal with it. So I tried. But I just felt like the slut I was called. It was even worse that I had to look into their knowing eyes every day at work. That they knew what they had done and that I had been powerless to stop them. 

It was even harder to admit to my friends and my now husband what had happened. I was so afraid they would believe I had wanted it or that I was lying. My husband has helped me accept that nothing was my fault and that what they did was unforgivable. It is a hard battle but it has gotten better. I have been able to be open with my husband and been able to trust again." -Nemo

[ It is important to note that many societies change over time as progress is made. This can make talking about certain type of abuse more difficult because the views on some issues at that time are now considered to be outdated and wrong. The effect is the same, even if the survivor never shared those views or is strongly against them. It is simply the way things were at the time.]

 The last part of this post is intended to provide survivors with some idea how to work past this particular emotion. A lot of these will have very similar answers in the end but we do hope that our stories will provide a base point for any survivor reading this.

  Guilt and shame are very difficult feelings to deal with. They perpetuate a feeling of isolation that makes seeking help much more difficult. Ideally, these issues are best dealt with by speaking with a professional therapist and educating yourself about the abuse suffered. A support group may also be helpful.  Sharing with a sympathetic audience, as discussed previously here, can be a great help for feelings of guilt and shame. The experience of positive reactions counter to expectation can be a great help for survivors with feelings of guilt and shame. Many of the negative emotions are a matter of personal introspection to get past, guilt and shame take courage to admit to and then active practice to move beyond.

"It Could Be Worse." It is the moment you say those words.

  This post is specifically for listeners and loved ones. It is the flip side of "Are You Okay?"

   There are many times in life that we find ourselves on the receiving end of a difficult disclosure. It could be finding out about someone passing away, a tragic accident, or any number of other situations. It can be very hard to find the right words at those times. We may wish to offer comfort or provide perspective and find ourselves relying on an old cliche. This post is about why those cliches are damaging.

   Let us all begin by acknowledging that each one of us is in a physically, emotionally, financially, or mentally better place than another person on this planet. We are also worse than another person on this planet. We are neither in the best nor worst position. This state of being will be the case from the moment you are born until the moment you die. It is simply a fact of life. Life is not fair and we all must get past that.

   That being said, it is important that we all try to have some sense of perspective. This can be very difficult for many people for a variety of reasons. Sometimes we want to remind someone to count their blessings rather than their sorrows. An understandable sentiment but one which has given us a number of unfortunate phrases.

  These phrases are intended to express that one person believes the other needs some perspective. This might be true but many times the uses of these phrases does not convey that concept. It rather says to the survivor that their experience was not "tragic" enough to warrant the very complex and difficult after effects. These effects range from mild depression to suicidal thoughts. They can include violent impulses, nightmares, disturbing flashbacks, and even be expressed as a number of mental disorders. Everyone has their own tolerance for trauma; thus everyone will get a slightly different mix of effects. These effects can be highly unpleasant.

 The following phrases have each been suggested by a collaborator based on their person experiences. These are things that someone told one or more of us as we attempted to share our stories and experience. We can each attest to how hurtful they were and how they made us feel very alone at times. It is very isolating to experience unpleasant after effects that no one wants to help you weather.

  The phrases are as follows:

• It could be worse.
• At least you're still alive...
• That happened a long time ago, you should be over it.
• Worse things happen to people everyday.
• If it wasn't you, it would have been someone else.
• [Abuser] would never do that.
• It couldn't have been that bad, he/she didn't beat you.
• You must have done something to ask for it.
• Why didn't you just ______ ? 

 These phrases cover a variety of reactions. Some are intended to provide perspective, some are denial, some are misunderstand and some are just attacks. Each of them creates an issue for the survivor who hears them. They can suggest the abuse was less severe than it was, show a complete lack of understanding, come off as callous, basically call the survivor a liar, or just bring up bad memories. It can even feel like a push for more details very quickly, something that more survivors aren't likely to do. It makes a difficult scary situation into a terrifying game of wanting to be believed vs. sharing too quickly.
 
   Many times, survivors do wish that things either hadn't happened or had been the obvious sort of 'bad' that everyone else can recognize. There are many forms of abuse that leave no physical marks and are socially considered to be 'less' damaging. They are not less anything. Furthermore, a survivor may have very conflicted feelings about their abuse. They may be second guessing a lot of their own actions and memories to begin with. On the whole, survivors don't want worse things to happen to other people and they are not trying to take away from the severity of other tragedies. It should be enough that our own trauma has a level of severity that should be taken seriously without acting as if we should be grateful it wasn't worse. Honestly, sometimes worse seems easier, more clear cut to explain and easier to find support for.

  Something to consider for those who read this as a loved one, care taker, or authority figure.

 Finally, if you find yourself thinking of saying something along the lines of " It could be worse." Consider instead saying, " I know this is really difficult for you, but can we take a moment to focus on some of the positive things in your life, like _________." This helps to redirect the survivor to more positive thoughts without belittling their feelings or experience. The other responses show that the listener either doesn't understand the severity of abuse in general or is not the best person to confide in the begin with.


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   This last little section is to address the responses that male survivor sometimes get when they reveal that their abuser was female.

• I wish that'd happened to me.
• That's awesome!
• How did you get with an older chick?
• I love [ explicit sexual act ].

  First off, a woman is capable of sexually assaulting or raping a male. Second, arousal is a physical response that many of us have no real control over, consider 'morning wood' or 'workout orgasms'. This automatic physical reaction is not a yes for women, nor for men.

  That being said, our society places a lot of importance on men being macho. It is socially acceptable and even desirable for a man to be with many sexual partners; particularly if they are skilled in some way. A portion of our population thinks that anytime a male is sexual interacting with a female, that it must be pleasurable and wanted by the male. Also, that a man could or would never actually be overpowered or violated by a woman. That is not the case and expressing that as a listener you wish you were in a position to be sexually assaulted or raped- you have shown a complete lack of sensitivity and awareness of serious social issues. Basically, anything that sounds like "I wish it had happened to me," is going to show you have no idea how devastating it is to have no control over your situation or body. It shows you have never even considered that you could be forcibly held down or drugged.

  My only suggestion for this one is, DO NOT SAY IT! I don't care what you are thinking- keep your mouth shut. You are going to do way more harm than good with this one. I suggest some serious research on your part to become better informed. Do not ever tell a survivor that you wish you had experience their abuse. Its beyond not acceptable.


 

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Male Abuse

   Let us begin with a wonderful resource, Male Survivor. I strongly suggest that any men reading this as survivors look into the resource. The majority of this post will be written by T. He has kindly offered to provide a male perspective on this topic and we thank him for it.
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     As mentioned in the previous post, it's a common myth that only women and girls are abused, or that abuse of men and boys is rare.  Current estimates are between 5% and 10% of men have been abused; this is considerably lower than the about 20% of women who have been, but still high enough that you almost certainly know a man who has been abused.

     The previously mentioned myths and misconceptions that people who are abused are submissive and/or weak complicates things for male survivors.  Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on strength and dominance as 'masculine' characteristics, which results in men who have been abused feeling like others will see them as 'less of a man' if they admit to having been abused - even if the abuse happened while they were children.  Due to gender stereotypes, this is even more likely if the abuser was a woman.

     The questions of "why didn't you fight back" are also often intensified for men, since they are 'supposed to' be capable of standing up for themselves and handling themselves physically.  The simple truth is that the vast majority of pre-pubescent boys are not capable of physically overcoming an adult.  Complicating this is the fact that most abuse of children happens not at the hands of strangers, as is often believed, but from those the child knows and trusts - extended family members, close family friends, teachers and coaches, and so forth.  The pre-existing emotional relationship makes it much harder for a child to struggle, and also much easier for the abuser to emotionally and mentally manipulate the child into believing that they are responsible or share responsibility for the abuse.

       A further complication is that of physical reactions to sexual stimuli.  Autonomous nervous reactions do not necessarily respect one's mental state, with the result that victims of sexual abuse can and do become physically aroused during the abuse.  With men and boys, the physical signals of this are much more evident, and abusers will use this to tell their victims that they must actually want the abuse, since it's making them aroused. [More on this subject will be covered in our blogs on developing a healthy view on sex and sexuality.]

      This in turn ties into the social stigma of homosexuality.  While this is less than it used to be, there is still a stigma attached, which can make men and boys less likely to report abuse, for fear that others will think that they are gay.  There's also a cultural belief that being a man being sexually penetrated is 'more gay' than the one performing the penetration.  Since the sexually abused child is almost always penetrated, this increases the imagined stigma.[A more specific look at sexuality and orientation will be covered in later blogs.]

      Lastly, our culture expects men to be stoic and unemotional, and discourages men from showing strong emotion.  In particular, men 'are not supposed to' cry or otherwise show 'weakness'.  For most heterosexual men, the only socially acceptable deep emotional bonds are to their immediate family and to their female partner - however, if the abuser was part of the extended family or a close friend of the family, that creates a reluctance to speak to the family about the abuse, while at the same time, our culture places a great deal of importance on a man being 'the strong one' in a relationship, which can make it difficult to speak to their partner about it as well.

   Thus, men who have been abused often feel isolated and unable to reach out to anyone for support.  If you're a man who's been abused, it's important to realize that abuse is much more common than people want to believe.  Since I've begun to open up to friends about my abuse, I've found several who were also abused, and who have been willing to offer sympathy and support. Opening up to others is essential; if you are afraid of what others may think, there are resources to let you do so anonymously. The Male Survivors website mentioned above has forums that allow you to speak anonymously to others - and even simply reading the stories of others and knowing that you are not alone can be an enormous help.