Quitting my Management Job

 

I really struggled with the decision to quit but it came to a point where I KNEW it was time.

Negative Emotions: Shame and Guilt

  This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

  Shame and guilt are separate emotions but often seem to come as a pair. Their definitions are similar and as follows.

  Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; the ability to feel guilt, regret, or embarrassment. It is also defined as dishonor or disgrace.

 Guilt is a bad feeling caused by knowing or thinking that you have done something bad or wrong.

   Both of these definitions were provided by the online version of the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Please note that shame is literally the ability to feel guilt. I picked the definitions appropriate to our post.

   Shame and guilt are some of the foremost feelings many survivors have about their abuse. These emotions can easily consume the entirety of some and are often the reasons that some forms of abuse go unreported. They make it difficult to share with others or seek help. The aspects of abuse that generate feelings of shame and guilt will vary for each person and depending on the social norms in their society. For example, men in Western societies often feel shame for physical and sexual abuse due to social perceptions of masculinity. [ A deeper look into this topic can be found here.] Various cultures place blame on female victims of rape, seeing the attack as a form dishonor; a direct opposition to the common perception in many western societies.

    Each survivor will experience shame and guilt for different reasons and at different times. The following paragraphs are personal experiences that our collaborators would like to share from their lives. We  invite readers to add their own experiences in the comment section.

   "It has always been a more guilt than shame for me. I kept my early sexual abuse to myself for a number of reasons, some of which were youthfully naive in hindsight. I thought of myself as the good girl, the responsible big sister, the good daughter helping after my parents divorced. It felt a lot like saying something would destroy my family as it was, like I was being selfish, because I could see how much my abuser contributed to our house financially and I had an idea how hard things could be otherwise. It also felt as if I had betrayed my custodial parent, since it was their significant other at the time, but it was still an adult giving directions. I was conflicted on what to do, how to behave and be the 'good girl'.

    We went to church a lot at the time and I was at the age where they begin to drum the abstinence and purity ideals into your head. I remember feeling like I had already messed up, that even my immortal soul was soiled by the confusing occurrences. 

  It took a while before I realized that I had been abused. There were not a lot of resources that I could find easily  at the time and a lot of misconceptions about abuse were the best I had to go on. It was mostly the sorts of things friends had been checked for by DCF (Department of Children & Families). I had no bruises, cuts, blood, or physical trauma to show and it had moments of being somewhat enjoyable even, which only made things worse. The guilt became unbearable for a time as I searched for salvation. It was infinitely complicated by the complex whirlwind that is puberty. I was very confused and depressed. I truly thought that the nightmares and building depression were a punishment from God. I prayed a lot for a while, but in the end I lost my faith in Christianity. I was very scared that if I told anyone that they would yell at me, maybe hit me or call me a liar. I could not imagine a compassionate response or that my parents would still love me. I finally told my best friends. I felt like I wanted to melt through the ground and end all existence. I wanted more than anything to cease to be. Not the desperate desire to end pain as when suicidal, a desire to simply undo all that I ever was. I simply wanted to not have been able to disappoint anyone or fail in this huge way. It felt as if there would never be any redemption for allowing this to happen, for my reactions, or for not figuring things out sooner.

    I still deal with moments of extreme guilt at times. It has lessened with the years but a lot of dealing with it has been a conscious effort. I began to learn more about abuse as a whole and tried to rationalize things. It helped me greatly to learn that your body will physiologically react to stimuli regardless of the origin of the stimulation. I learned that it is possibly for victims of sexual abuse and rape to orgasm from the assault. It is simply what your body is built to do, and in many ways the natural reaction helps to lessen physical damage. It can wreck you emotionally though.

   Ultimately, an odd book by my favorite author helped me with this. It has a female lead who has been repeatedly abused in a sexual manner; she is scared and unable to consummate her relationship with her husband because of it. The story takes place as they travel through alternate dimensions. She is on this other world talking with a female character who really enjoys sex, and where sex is viewed as a natural biological action. There isn't really any social taboos about sexuality, provided both parties consent. The have a conversation about their view points on sex and men, each reliving memories. The end bit of the conversation is about how the abused lead simply did what she had to in each situation and how it simply was not her fault that other people where bad, as rationalized by the other woman. She was forced to make difficult choices in harsh situations. Its a bit more complex than that but it helped me to read those words. It gave me some hope that the real world reaction would be the same. I liked the idea that I could take personal responsibility for my actions without it necessarily meaning that my actions lead to my abuse." -D.M.

  "Shame has been a big part of my experience.  I grew up in the South in the ‘70s, when calling a man gay or a fag was a huge insult.  Gay men, and gay behavior, were stigmatized in a way that I’m not sure those who are in their 20s can really grasp.  In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, when I was being abused, there was still largely a national media blackout on talking about gays and gay rights.  Gays were largely in the closet — only 24% of people surveyed said they knew anyone who was gay, compared to 76% today.

  Because I am a male who was abused by a male, my abuser used this stigma to help keep me from talking about it.  Even though I was not gay, and did not desire nor initiate any of the sexual activity that was done to me, I was called faggot, gay boy, cunt-face, and so forth by those who abused me. 

  The one time I called one of them a faggot, he threatened to cut my tongue out, and actually took a knife and made a cut on my tongue.  I still have the scar.
  I still battle feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which have affected my social and sexual relationships.  It’s hard to change the mental habits of a lifetime.  It’s made it difficult to advocate for myself, to discuss what was done to me, and makes discussions of sexual experiences painful." - T.

  "Shame has been a big part of my life for a long time; whether it was shame at being a disappointment to my family or the shame of letting myself get put into the situation where I could be abused. I believed that my abuse had been my fault and that I had brought it on myself. 

I was always told that if I let myself get taken advantage of, that I should just deal with it. So I tried. But I just felt like the slut I was called. It was even worse that I had to look into their knowing eyes every day at work. That they knew what they had done and that I had been powerless to stop them. 

It was even harder to admit to my friends and my now husband what had happened. I was so afraid they would believe I had wanted it or that I was lying. My husband has helped me accept that nothing was my fault and that what they did was unforgivable. It is a hard battle but it has gotten better. I have been able to be open with my husband and been able to trust again." -Nemo

[ It is important to note that many societies change over time as progress is made. This can make talking about certain type of abuse more difficult because the views on some issues at that time are now considered to be outdated and wrong. The effect is the same, even if the survivor never shared those views or is strongly against them. It is simply the way things were at the time.]

 The last part of this post is intended to provide survivors with some idea how to work past this particular emotion. A lot of these will have very similar answers in the end but we do hope that our stories will provide a base point for any survivor reading this.

  Guilt and shame are very difficult feelings to deal with. They perpetuate a feeling of isolation that makes seeking help much more difficult. Ideally, these issues are best dealt with by speaking with a professional therapist and educating yourself about the abuse suffered. A support group may also be helpful.  Sharing with a sympathetic audience, as discussed previously here, can be a great help for feelings of guilt and shame. The experience of positive reactions counter to expectation can be a great help for survivors with feelings of guilt and shame. Many of the negative emotions are a matter of personal introspection to get past, guilt and shame take courage to admit to and then active practice to move beyond.

How To Communicate: Survivor versus Victim

    This second communication blog is abuse specific. It ties very strongly into the Victimization post in the social section and to the sensitive topics portion of my last post. The social post discussed the difference between a survivor and a victim in general terms. Here we are going to look at what those words literally mean and why they matter as much as they do on a personal level.

  A victim is "someone or thing that has been attacked, injured, robbed, or killed by someone else."  Please note that victim has no tense. It is a noun. The connotation being that a victim is someone who is weaker in some way and thus helpless.

  A survivor is someone who "remains alive or continues to exist." It is also a noun with no tense. The connotation being that a survivor is someone who is strong and overcomes obstacles.

  These words do not mean the same thing. Each person who has been a victim of abuse can also be a survivor of abuse. The fact that you suffered some trauma does not disappear simply because you learn to live past it.

   That being said, each person who has suffered any sort of trauma has the choice to be a victim or a survivor in a more general sense, it ties to those connotations. Each person gets to decide if they want to call themselves a victim or a survivor, and each person who talks to or about abuse gets to choose between the two. May The Stars Shine Upon You is about living beyond the abuse and becoming a survivor. The easiest way to start journey is to stop thinking of yourself as a victim. A victim is still under the control of their abuser, they are still 'weak'. A survivor is beyond that person's control and is 'strong'. The word you choose is one you will internalize and use when describing yourself.

  Why does this matter and why is it in the communication section?

    Because the words do matter. The words "victim" or "survivor" are labels that we carry within ourselves. We let it define us in some way, and we should be careful to note that these words do not mean the same thing. The media and many people are always going to refer to anyone who has suffered abuse as a victim. They don't worry about internalizing those words, but when you are someone who has been abused or talking to someone who has, saying "survivor" sounds stronger. It makes me feel stronger to hear that I have survived something.

    I do not want to be a victim, I remember what that is like. I remember being frustrated, confused, sad, angry, and hurting. I do not want to carry that label or state of being with me everyday. I am exchanging it for survivor. I want to be able to move past this, to recall it as a defining moment in my life, but to be more than the sad, scared, hurt girl I was. -D.M.

  Ultimately, this word choice is about setting a positive path forward for ourselves. It's about making that first choice. I refer to my abuse in past tense and I put my status as survivor in present tense. A verbal and mental divide. I hope that others reading this can do the same.

  I do apologize that this post is not as comprehensive as I wanted it to be. I had hoped that the simpler statement would come across best. Feel free to ask questions in the comment section if clarification is needed.

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Victimization

      This post is not about the abuser making the abused into a victim. It is about how our society views individuals who have lived through various types of trauma or abuse, specifically sexual abuse. Victimization is the process of making one a victim. It is similar to abuse in a number of ways given that it helps perpetuate the mindset that that someone who has suffered abuse is helpless, broken, or completely defined by their past abuse.

    May The Stars Shine Upon You is about transitioning from victim to survivor. The biggest difference between a victim and a survivor is the mindset. Both have experienced the same trauma, and are living with the aftermath of that trauma. A victim allows the trauma to define them, verbally and in behavior. They may have continued feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, paranoia, and shame. They will see themselves as broken, miserable, or as a "toy" of their abuser. Those feelings don't magically disappear, but in becoming a survivor, those feelings are addressed. A survivor is someone who actively works on moving past their trauma. It will always have some effect on their life but it does not define them. They will instead work to see themselves as a good person, and someone who can mentor or aid others who have also suffered. Survivors will look at themselves as a sum of all their experiences and traits rather than as the product of a single experience or set of experiences.

      This post is about social victimization and why it exists. Its a very complex concept, to be honest, but it boils down to our media and our collective comfort. The various media outlets are businesses. They want to sell their product (i.e. the news, personal stories, etc.), and stories sell better when they sound tragic or fantastic. It has to be like the movies, with a good guy and a bad guy or a hero and an underdog. Often victims of violence or abuse are the underdog characters. It simply sells more.

  The other side of this, is that by making the abused or targeted into a victim, it allows the casual media consumer to distance themselves. A "victim" is someone who is typically viewed as weak, helpless, stupid, or careless. Some might even believe that they asked for their abuse or deserved it. Most people do not view themselves as weak, stupid or careless. It allows them to think that such things will never ever happen to them or to someone they love. This stance then creates a world where we don't talk about prevention because "no one I know is that helpless."

   A prime example of these concepts can be seen in the relatively recent stories of the women who were held captive in Ohio. The initial story of the women being found was everywhere, and all the media outlets wanted a piece of that pie. They made a point of showing "look how horrible this was!" and using graphic descriptions of an unthinkable reality. They then pointed out how these woman broke that rule we are all taught in pre-K - Don't get in the car with a stranger. As a result, the media sold a lot of papers and magazines about how these women were victims.

  They did not sell as many papers when one of the women came forward as a survivor. She went to the trials and faced her abuser. She wrote a book, she has followed her passions. She is not broken. She is like you and I; she is simply living her life. That story is not everywhere because it won't sell as well. It reminds people that this woman loves her son that she lost, that she has passions, and that she loves the little things in life. She might even have something in common with you or your sister or your mother. She is real.

   In short, victimization is largely a social issue. It has to do with our media in that same way that it perpetuates negative stereotypes about body image, sex, drugs, and mental health issues. They are all depicted inaccurately and sensationalized to sell more. So for someone who has suffered abuse, it's hard not to feel like you can be anything but a victim when you only ever get to see those people who are in their most vulnerable and fragile state. Our media rarely depicts the stronger person growing past that terrible moment. Therefore, it's something we all need to be better about recognizing in our media. When you read those sorts of stories, ask yourself "What happens next?" Did that community reach out to help that person? Will they go back to school, or to a life that can become more?

  The last portion of this post I wanted to dedicate to the idea of resolution. We can not change how media works, not even collectively. What we can do, is seek out role models and stories that highlight how to become a survivor. Those of you who read this as a survivor and feel comfortable doing so, please share your story if someone needs to hear it. Those who read this as a loved one, be compassionate, and remind the person you love that they are more than the abuse. I am thankful everyday that my significant other reminds me that I am beautiful and intelligent. I may not feel it all the time but his words drown out the abusers who told me I was worthless, stupid, and unlovable.- D.M.

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Silence

  The url for May The Stars Shine Upon You is rejectingthesilence.blogspot.com. It is about literally rejecting the silence. This aspect of abuse is the one we are actively working against right now. Thank you for being a part of this and reading our blog here. We have been posting about abuse in a social sense for a few posts now. We wanted to really address abuse in its full being. Silence encompasses more than one aspect of our lives and it effects many things.

  Silence has three definitions. The third is "a situation or state in which someone does not talk about or answer questions about something." It is that very definition that we seek to defy now.

   There a number of ways in which an individual can be silent about their abuse and abuse in general. Silence even plays a part in abuse itself.

  Silence in its traditional definition as a "lack of noise or sound" is often something that an abuser will demand of a victim. The abuser themselves might use the second definition of silence and use a "period of time in which they do not talk" to ignore or refuse to acknowledge their victim. This is an act of psychological abuse that is intended to make the victim feel they have little or no worth. Silence is integral to abuse in this way. It is essential that the victim either not give away or report the abuse for it to continue. There is no guarantee that reported abuse will end but it is considerably less likely to do so. These forms of silence are all a part of the abuse itself and we will talk about them more a little later in our communication and flashback blogs.

  This particular blog post is to discuss the types of silence that occur after the abuse.

•   Keeping the abuse a secret.
• This silence is the most complicated and yet simple to understand. Many victims are told that if they tell there will be consequences, such as physical harm or death for themselves or others. Their abuser will have instilled the idea that silence is necessary for their well being. This type of silence may also be due to extreme guilt or embarrassment and social stigma. In addition, this type of silence is the hardest to overcome. It is very much a part of the victim's mentality about the abuse and how the perceive society will view them..
• Omitting key details of the abuse or downplaying the abuse.
• This type of silence is most often paired with domestic and emotional abuse. Often it is hard to hide the signs of these types of abuse but the extent of it may be hidden this way. Abusers or caretakers of children might use this when in denial or as a way of putting off an investigation. This type of silence is a personal issue that the victim will need to work on. They need the strength or safety necessary to ask for help.
• Examples: A partner with bruises might claim that this is the first and last time they have ever been hit. A caretaker might claim a child fell or that an abuser's behavior is simply affection.
• Censoring responses to questions and personal history.
• This type of silence has a lot to do with how the survivor feels about their abuse. Some people prefer not to remember or share their story. That is their right. However, many people deny or do not mention their abuse rather than conveying that they have no wish to respond to such questions.This response is also common for persons who have not sought legal action or whose attempts at such have been unsuccessful. This type of silence masks how often abuse occurs. Many people interact daily with someone who has survived abuse but they may never know. We will discuss this type of silence more in the Communication section. It should be less about needing to censor and more about people learning to communicate their discomfort.
• Ignoring the signs of abuse in others.
• This type of silence is detrimental to our society. We live in a world of 'political correctness' - where it is considered inappropriate to make accusations, even if they are clearly justified. While no one should ever falsely accuse another of abuse, there are perfectly appropriate and legal means of notifying authorities about odd behaviors or injuries so that they may be investigated. The key here is to be familiar with the signs of abuse, to know who to contact, and to understand what the process will be. This form of silence is often more from ignorance than any outright negligence, although that might also be a factor in some cases.
• Passively responding to abusers and/or abuse.
• Accusations or admission of abuse are very serious matters. The majority of people know their abusers and they are just regular people within their city or town. Sometimes the abuser is a well known local figure or in a position of trust, such as a police officer or religious leader. It is not uncommon for the victim to find themselves being questioned excessively or doubted in these cases. The community at large will not want to find that their trust has been misplaced. This social issue is even more problematic in rural areas or religious institutions. Knowledge is power here. It is best to know what legally constitutes evidence in your area and what rights you have.
• Social and Political Silence
• This type of silence is the most impersonal of the lot. It is simply the general populace or governing body's unwillingness or negligence to update resources, laws, procedures, or penalties for abusers. There are many places in the world where abuse is understood and recognized but our legal and social systems have yet to catch up with the times. Social and political movements against things such as forced circumcision, rape culture, and domestic abuse, can often be seen on social media. They are signs that we need to readdress how things are handled. The best way to combat this silence is simply to stay informed and vote whenever possible.

  These types of silence are the ones we would like to largely work against. Many of these are perpetuated due to the stigma we talked about in our earlier blog. It is not considered the social norm to be a victim or survivor of abuse, although statistically it is very common. We can all work together on this by informing ourselves and learning to speak out for those who cannot, or are afraid to do so.

  In the last part of this blog post, I want to talk about what effects silence has on the abused and our society as a whole. Every type of silence here masks the true extent of this issue. We may never have true numbers on how many people have suffered abuse or how prevalent certain type of abuse are. The end result is that the abusers are still out in our general population. There is a good chance that you know someone who seems perfectly normal that has abused someone else. It also means that those who are abused are more isolated. They will have less people to reach out to, and as a result, feel more alone. The odds are much higher that you know a perfectly normal seeming person or several persons who have been abused.

  

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Being 'Strong' and Stigma

   The last few couple blogs have mentioned stigma a lot. What is stigma? Stigma is "a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something," according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary.

  There are a wide range of things in our lives that have a stigma attached to them. The majority of them can be classified as something we can 'fix' or something we can not. We can learn to eat better, exercise more, use a wider vocabulary, find better jobs, save more money, dress more respectably, teach our children to behave and otherwise be our best self. Those tasks element the stigma attached to things like illness, obesity, respectability, and some forms of morality.

   Then there are the things we can not change. Persons of various minorities, the transient, the mentally ill, the disabled, the abused, the foreign, anyone not heterosexual, and the extremely poor are either in capable of or facing incredible odds to change their 'status'. Why? Many of these are simply things you are born into. You have no control over your skin color, whether you develop a handicap or mental illness, your sexuality, or your nationality. You have no control over the language you learn and in many cases the socio-economic status you begin life in. Then you have those who are in some way 'damaged' such as the abused, some forms of disability, and those who live through intense trauma. [Once again, topics on sexuality will be covered later and in more depth.]

  Those are things that we can not change and may have no control over. They are also things for which these is a great amount of stigma. Those stigmas change the way people interact with those who fall into that category. Many times it is seen as simpler to ignore or avoid the issue. Sometimes there is a general sense of confusion about how to acknowledge and interact and at other times there is outright hostility and violence.

  The stigma that comes with abuse ties back to some of those misconceptions mentioned earlier. People might view a survivor as 'weak' or 'broken'. There are some who feel that the abused asked for it in some way; that they deserve their abuse. There are those who wish to help but have never been given the tools to do so. Survivors may encounter those who lack any tact, seem insensitive, or are overly inquisitive. Equally we encounter the kid-glove treatment. You are broken and therefor must be handled with extreme care.

  It has been my personal experience that when I try to disclose my past to people, they become quiet. They do not know what to say or how to act. They lack the tools to empathize and as such become distant or hostile. Most take a middle ground of trying not to upset me further and yet in doing so manage to make me feel incredibly alone. If you are reading this as a loved one of a survivor. You may not understand WHY someone feels the way they do. You might never be able to imagine it. BUT you can understand what it is to be sad, lonely, upset, or scared. Do not trivialize and do not withdraw. The best thing you can do is simply express this: "I may not understand what you are going through exactly, but let me know if I can help." Yes, the same thing you say to someone who is sick or grieving or who just had a baby.

    Along with stigma goes the concept of strong. The stigmas that exist are often because our society values the strong, the brave, and the wealthy. It makes sense as that trifecta is what helps to build our society and protect it. It is the basis for the military and many nations. Our society wants 'strong' people. It fails to take into account that to be strong you have to train and overcome obstacles. That to be brave requires you to face your fears and overcome them. That to be wealthy, you must be able to build what you are given into something more.

   Everyone starts out small, weak, vulnerable. We grow, we learn, and ultimately we die. This is what every human on this planet has in common. The rest is uniquely individual. A soldier for instance must learn all their basic knowledge, build their body, strengthen their mind, and train endlessly for their career. They must be physically strong and prepared to be broken in some way. A teacher much learn all their basic knowledge, learn the complex concepts beyond that, find an enormous amount of patients, practice kindness, and constantly learn more. They must be mentally strong.

   A survivor of abuse must learn all their basic knowledge, rediscover themselves, build a healthy mental space, and constantly work to move forward. It is our job to be emotionally strong. But strength is something we build. Our society sometimes forgets that. Consider the setbacks on that journey to simply be the same as a soldier who trips in the mud at basic, the teacher who cries at the last set of finals, and the moment that wont matter in the long run.

  The idea of being strong is something we will discuss many times in this blog. Its not the ability not to cry or to silent. No, being strong is the effort you make to overcome the obstacles that have been thrown at you. You are not sick, you are not injured, you are not broken. That is the definition of strong.

  Once again, some of the strongest people I know did not begin with the most. They simply overcame everything that was thrown at them. They weathered their abuse, some fought with substance abuse, some gave up everything, and then they found a way to live a fulfilling life. They did not allow the abuse to define them. They decided that they did not want to be 'broken' anymore. They reached out for the help they needed or found the proper resources or simply cried. They told their story or did whatever they needed to in order to move past their issues.

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Male Abuse

   Let us begin with a wonderful resource, Male Survivor. I strongly suggest that any men reading this as survivors look into the resource. The majority of this post will be written by T. He has kindly offered to provide a male perspective on this topic and we thank him for it.
                                      *****************************************

     As mentioned in the previous post, it's a common myth that only women and girls are abused, or that abuse of men and boys is rare.  Current estimates are between 5% and 10% of men have been abused; this is considerably lower than the about 20% of women who have been, but still high enough that you almost certainly know a man who has been abused.

     The previously mentioned myths and misconceptions that people who are abused are submissive and/or weak complicates things for male survivors.  Our culture places a great deal of emphasis on strength and dominance as 'masculine' characteristics, which results in men who have been abused feeling like others will see them as 'less of a man' if they admit to having been abused - even if the abuse happened while they were children.  Due to gender stereotypes, this is even more likely if the abuser was a woman.

     The questions of "why didn't you fight back" are also often intensified for men, since they are 'supposed to' be capable of standing up for themselves and handling themselves physically.  The simple truth is that the vast majority of pre-pubescent boys are not capable of physically overcoming an adult.  Complicating this is the fact that most abuse of children happens not at the hands of strangers, as is often believed, but from those the child knows and trusts - extended family members, close family friends, teachers and coaches, and so forth.  The pre-existing emotional relationship makes it much harder for a child to struggle, and also much easier for the abuser to emotionally and mentally manipulate the child into believing that they are responsible or share responsibility for the abuse.

       A further complication is that of physical reactions to sexual stimuli.  Autonomous nervous reactions do not necessarily respect one's mental state, with the result that victims of sexual abuse can and do become physically aroused during the abuse.  With men and boys, the physical signals of this are much more evident, and abusers will use this to tell their victims that they must actually want the abuse, since it's making them aroused. [More on this subject will be covered in our blogs on developing a healthy view on sex and sexuality.]

      This in turn ties into the social stigma of homosexuality.  While this is less than it used to be, there is still a stigma attached, which can make men and boys less likely to report abuse, for fear that others will think that they are gay.  There's also a cultural belief that being a man being sexually penetrated is 'more gay' than the one performing the penetration.  Since the sexually abused child is almost always penetrated, this increases the imagined stigma.[A more specific look at sexuality and orientation will be covered in later blogs.]

      Lastly, our culture expects men to be stoic and unemotional, and discourages men from showing strong emotion.  In particular, men 'are not supposed to' cry or otherwise show 'weakness'.  For most heterosexual men, the only socially acceptable deep emotional bonds are to their immediate family and to their female partner - however, if the abuser was part of the extended family or a close friend of the family, that creates a reluctance to speak to the family about the abuse, while at the same time, our culture places a great deal of importance on a man being 'the strong one' in a relationship, which can make it difficult to speak to their partner about it as well.

   Thus, men who have been abused often feel isolated and unable to reach out to anyone for support.  If you're a man who's been abused, it's important to realize that abuse is much more common than people want to believe.  Since I've begun to open up to friends about my abuse, I've found several who were also abused, and who have been willing to offer sympathy and support. Opening up to others is essential; if you are afraid of what others may think, there are resources to let you do so anonymously. The Male Survivors website mentioned above has forums that allow you to speak anonymously to others - and even simply reading the stories of others and knowing that you are not alone can be an enormous help.

The Social Aspects of Abuse: Myths and Misconceptions

  Abuse is defined as :

"  Treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly: "

  The sub-definition of which further defines sexual abuse and verbal abuse.

   The problem with this definition is that cruelty and violence are often subjective when not expressed in their extremes. The definition of abuse then falls to the society in which one lives, and its social norms. Those social norms then dictate a whole host of actions, reactions, and so forth. It sounds so incredibly clinical although its true. The reality is that abuse is abuse no matter the language and regardless of whether a given society deems it acceptable behavior.

  That being said, I would like to share a few of the myths or misconceptions about abuse and replace them with something a bit closer to reality. Statistics about many of these misconceptions can be found on the resources shared on our "Resources and Links" page. LoveIsRespect.Org has a number of really good ones.
These misconceptions are shared in no particular order.

• An abuser will be a stranger.
• Perhaps the most dangerous misconception our society perpetuates is that if you are abused it will be by a stranger. It is possible that a stranger will abuse you, but it is infinitely more likely that abuse will come from a family member, romantic partner, family friend, authority figure, or acquaintance. They would be someone familiar, who has an idea about the life and habits of their victim. The end result is that they have a better idea how to control you, and it becomes much harder to seek support.
• This misconception is often easiest to see for false when you read the news. Often we hear reports of ministers, priests, scout leaders, and teachers abusing their charges. These are people that are trusted authority figures in a child's life. Help keep children safe using these steps.
• This misconception also masks a serious concern for adults, in that most rapists are someone known to the victim. They might be a casual friend, a coworker, or an acquaintance at a party. I encourage all adults, particularly women, to use their best judgement and safe practices whenever they are out. Use these steps.
• Leaving is easy.
• There is nothing easy about leaving an abusive relationship of any kind. Many times an abuser has used threats of violence or tactics to isolate their victim. They may control a victim's money, children, home, etc. Could you leave everything right now just because someone hit you once? Most people wouldn't. It normally has to get really really bad for you to walk away.
• I spent a long time in an abusive relationship. I honestly loved him with all that I was and made so many excuses, but in the end, I was scared of him. I was scared that he knew me so well that he could destroy me with his words, with his fists. -DM
• Someone being abused would say something to someone.
• Probably not. An abuser frequently isolates their victim from others. Perhaps they get angry when you talk to someone or they pick fights. They make life so unbearable that you end other healthy relationships. Its embarrassing to tell someone whats happening. It can be really scary if you have been threatened. And sometimes the abuser makes you think that its all your fault. They break you down.
• The reasons why people say nothing vary from person to person. My experiences had a number of motivators. The first time around, it was fear and money. The second time it was just blackmail. Leaving my ex meant he would tell people things I preferred to keep private at the time. Things I thought would destroy me. -DM
• Abuse rarely happens.
• Perhaps abuse is rarely reported until it is extreme, but abuse happens all the time. It happens to people you know and love. I am sure if you asked, friends and family might admit to an ex that yelled at them until they cried, being hit by a loved one, or a parent calling them names until they felt worthless. A more open person might disclose a rape or being groped. All of those are some form of abuse.
• Its not abuse unless someone hits you or leaves marks.
• I.E.  Its only abuse if it physically hurts.
• This misconception is probably the biggest reason people don't get out of bad relationships or tell someone. Abuse is so much more than bruising someone or breaking a bone. Its causing serious harm to a person in an emotional, physical, sexual, financial, or reproductive manner. Words don't leave marks on the body, but scar very badly. A molested child might not show any bruises. A woman forced to have multiple children she did not want will not have anything to show it was more than a normal pregnancy. Those are all abuse. 
• This misconception is the one that messed me up the most. I didn't feel like anyone would believe me. I didn't have any bruises or cuts or blood to show anyone. Why would anyone believe me, a little girl, over this grown up who everyone liked? -DM
• You can handle abuse alone.
• I am certain there are people who can handle a phenomenal amount of stress on their own. However, an escalating abusive situation is not something you should have to live through much less handle alone. Its easy to think you can handle it but the daily grind, family drama, the abuse, pain, etc. will simply push you to breaking point.
• This is another misconception that I personal vouch for. I was in college full time, working full time, handling a number of family issues, in and out of the ER with my Ex, and trying to live with the increasingly more abusive situation. The stress alone brought some of my worst characteristics. I was caustic, mean, bitter, and angry much of the time, even if I didn't act like it.. I didn't sleep without nightmares and today, I can not recall many of the day to day activities during that time. -DM
• Only women suffer from abuse.
• This misconception has more to do with social stigma than anything else. Women are more likely to report abuse, and on average a larger number of women suffer abuse. Whereas men are often conditioned from a young age to be "strong" and that any sexual contact with other males is shameful. Those concepts in turn make it where a man reporting abuse is "weak" or engaging in "shameful" behavior. Men from older generations are far more likely to have lived with these stigmas, as such fewer men report their abuse, seek help for it, or ever disclose it.
• Male survivors even live with a whole additional set of misconceptions. The full list can be found at MaleSurvivor.Org. These include being abused by homosexuals, the risk of becoming an abuser, and that female on male abuse doesn't exist. A more in depth look at these myths and such will be discussed in a separate blog to give them the attention they deserve.
• Only men are abusers.
• This misconception is the flip side of the previous one. A great number of abusers are men but many abusers are also women. This goes back to that social stigma about being "weak". A man is "weak" if he "allows" a woman to dominate and abuse him. Furthermore, there is the misconception that a man can not be sexual abused by a woman. The implication being that all men should be sexually attracted to and willing to be sexually used by all women all the time. That is absurd. Everyone has the right to say NO to any unwanted advance without their sexuality, strength, or moral character being called into question. Men included.
• Abuse is an issue that only concerns the abused./ Its none of my business.
• Honestly, this misconception is the most annoying one to me. I am willing to wager that everyone who reads this blog, survivor or not, knows and cares about someone who has been abused. What person wants to see a child with hand prints? What person is okay covering their ears while the person they love screams no over and again as they are raped? What person is okay with idly watching a lover verbally berate and tear down the other? Not expressing concern when you notice those issues in the lives you touch is ignoring them and the bigger issue that we as a society ALLOW this to happen. Not trying to make a better world is saying you accept that your children, grandchildren, mother, father, sister, brother, best friend or lover may suffer in this way. Is that what you want?
• Anyone who abuses other is mentally ill or a psychopath.
• Abuse is about control. It is about power. The desire for power is not classified as a mental illness. A person suffering from a mental illness might abuse another, but for that one person there are many more living with the same issues that do no abuse others. Most mental illnesses are something you hear about everyday and that someone you love lives with. You can learn more at The National Alliance on Mental Illness . Further more, a psychopath is someone who must be diagnosed by medical professionals, abusive behavior alone is not an indicator of psychopathy. A better understanding of this mental health issue can be found at the following link : What Psychopathy Means .
• Some people need the violence; they are addicted to it.
• Violence is not the choice of the abused. No one who is abused actively chooses for that process to begin. An addict will actively seek out and choose to engage in their addiction. The two do have some common features relating to the destructive cycles that they are. Both violence and addiction destroy the ability to live a normal life, the behavior makes the abused or addict miserable after a time and they seek to remove themselves. The removal process may take a number of tries and the abused or addicted may die before they escape. The process of recovery may be the same, the effects are similar but a victim of abuse is not an addict. Psychology Today defines addiction as an activity that can be pleasurable. By all means, ask someone who was abused if they enjoyed the violence inflicted upon them. 
• A cross over into this subject is often the concept of masochism. A more thorough look at this "kink" and healthy expression of such will be discussed later in the sex series of blogs. Until that time, Psychology Today has more information, please pay special attention to the last sentence. This is expressed in a well planned relationship with a safe word and safety features.
• Some victims deserve to be beaten or abused.
• No one deserves to be abused. If someone has done something illegal or immoral then report them to the authorities and allow your legal system to do its job. It is not our place to harm other people. Legality and morality are subjective, and harming anyone for not doing as you think should be done opens the door for the same to be done to you. NO ONE deserves abuse.
• Abuse victims are "weak" and "submissive".
• Many abuse survivors were abused at points in their life when they were vulnerable or helpless. Everyone has these points in their life. It does not make you weak. Some of the strongest people that I admire the most are survivors of abuse. They are strong people, but they had vulnerable moments and someone took advantage of that. Consider for a moment how you feel when you are stressed to the max, heartbroken, grieving the loss of a loved one, or alone in a new place. Those are the sorts of moments I am talking about.

  These misconceptions and myths are just few of the many that no doubt exist. I encourage my readers to submit more myths and misconception for us to discuss here. We will be including a section specifically focusing on male abuse and its misconceptions authored by T, one of our male collaborators who is working very closely with me on this blog. Please look for that article.