This section is intended to discuss the loss of safety and how that impacts survivors of abuse. It is more relevant to loved ones and those wishing to understand more about abuse, as many survivors are extremely aware of what safety loss is.
The introduction on Safety and Security defined safety as "a place free of danger" or " the state of not being dangerous or harmful." This will vary by survivor but there are some very obvious factors.
A safe place will be an area where the survivor is in relative control of their ability to leave. It will be free of potential triggers, including their abuser, and will allow the survivor to feel they have physical control over external factors. Depending on the survivor's mental health, a safe place may also be free of any objects that can be used to self harm, toxic people, or other anxiety inducing triggers unrelated to the abuse.
A survivor may feel that an area is no longer safe if they experienced abuse in that space, rendering the entire area a trigger, or if their abuser has unfettered access to that space. It is somewhat uncommon for open public spaces to feel "safe" for this reason. Alternately, survivors with intense emotional responses may avoid spaces where they last felt unsafe, even if the space itself was unrelated. This is similar to how a place someone cries in after a break up is associated as a sad place.
"I have PTSD which presents with hypervigilance. I find that unless I know all the exits, likely persons to enter a space, and what can be used as a weapon that no space feels particularly safe. Clothing choices can make safer spaces feel less safe, if I do not feel that I can run or fight. This means that I can feel perfectly fine going to see a movie in jeans but that wearing a dress would be entirely too much. I would feel too vulnerable. There really isn't a rational reason for this, as none of my abuse took place while I was wearing a dress. It is simply that I do not feel very safe unless I am locked in my own home, and anything that could make me more vulnerable outside of that space seems like an unnecessary risk.
It is to such an extreme that I have opted out of work events meant to honor myself and others, simply because I could not be sure what the layout of the room was and if someone would be able to come up behind me. I realize on a rational level that a room full of people being honored for commited work is an unlikely place to be attacked but I would feel so incredibly vulnerable that I would not be able to enjoy the event and it would likely make me physically ill.
I am actually worried that if I do not make myself go into uncomfortable situations sometimes that I will become agoraphobic. It tends to come and go along with my depression, but I will make myself get dressed and go get food outside of my house if I realize that the only time I have left is for work. I tend to be anxious and paranoid the entire time. Sometimes a loved one will come with me, and that helps, but occasionally I still ask to leave early or hide in the car. It makes me feel like crap because normal people can go grocery shopping, to lunch, or to a film without being so scared all the time. I honestly hate it. I wish I could feel safe in more places." -D.M.
Friday, October 30, 2020
Safety and Security: Regaining Security
This section on safety and security is intended to discuss the ways in which survivors can regain a sense of security after losing their sense of safety. It can be useful for survivors and their loved ones. Each person will have a unique experience as they seek to regain a sense of security, simply because the loss of security is incredibly personal.
Safety is largely about the physical space one can occupy. It can be difficult to find spaces that are safe simply because removing any trigger and having complete physical control over a space is often limited to one's own home.
Security, on the other hand, is more about the internal feeling of safety. It is how safe someone feels when navigating the world as a whole and their life. A lack of security can manifest in many ways including anxiety, paranoia, insecurities, anger, fear, phobias, etc. Many people will become defensive rather than admit to a feeling of insecurity in a space.
"I touched on my feelings of insecurity in the last post. I have a very hard time feeling safe in public spaces unless I do things like wear pants. For me, regaining security has often been about identifying what generates the most anxiety and fear, then working to minimize that.
I like to feel like I have a fighting chance. I want to be dressed in a manner that lets me run or fight. I want to know how to get in and out of the places I am in. And I like to go places with people I trust to keep me safe in those places.
Home is harder. I am very happy to live in a new apartment that I have no associations with. I have a library even. I do find that when I am very anxious or insecure that I want to curl up in a ball in the bottom of my closet. I am currently working on not doing that. I allow myself to go hide in the library. It has a very comfy seating area with a blanket and some stuffed dinos. I am allowed to curl up in there but not in the closet. The goal is to work to a place where being alone in a room feels as safe to me as physically hiding in a small space does.My therapist and I chat about that sometimes. It is really hard but making myself be willing to walk away, be alone, and come back has helped.
I also find that people I am close to are usually really amazing. I tend to react to someone's disappoint or anger with me by becoming very scared they will scream at me or hit me. I am never entirely certain people wont react this way, even if they have never done so in the past. I understand that is is an irrational feeling coming from internal sources. I have been working really hard to talk to my current partner about these feelings. He is really great about explaining that he isn't going to hurt me, understanding that I can't turn off this thought process, and just helping me work past it. I also have a close friend who makes a point of apologizing and just being really blunt with me. He doesn't get angry with me, because he doesn't allow anything to build to the point of anger. It does come off as abrupt at times but it helps me identify behavior I can work on without getting to the irrational place. It has helped me a lot to simply have people understand that I can not turn off the thought patterns or the fear. I KNOW one thing but I still FEEL another. I hate knowing I can trust a friend or partner entirely and then being so scared of them that it makes my stomach hurt and my hands shake. They don't deserve it and neither do I. But I know that this behavior is what helped me get through some really dark places, so it is very hard to explain." -D.M.
Safety is largely about the physical space one can occupy. It can be difficult to find spaces that are safe simply because removing any trigger and having complete physical control over a space is often limited to one's own home.
Security, on the other hand, is more about the internal feeling of safety. It is how safe someone feels when navigating the world as a whole and their life. A lack of security can manifest in many ways including anxiety, paranoia, insecurities, anger, fear, phobias, etc. Many people will become defensive rather than admit to a feeling of insecurity in a space.
"I touched on my feelings of insecurity in the last post. I have a very hard time feeling safe in public spaces unless I do things like wear pants. For me, regaining security has often been about identifying what generates the most anxiety and fear, then working to minimize that.
I like to feel like I have a fighting chance. I want to be dressed in a manner that lets me run or fight. I want to know how to get in and out of the places I am in. And I like to go places with people I trust to keep me safe in those places.
Home is harder. I am very happy to live in a new apartment that I have no associations with. I have a library even. I do find that when I am very anxious or insecure that I want to curl up in a ball in the bottom of my closet. I am currently working on not doing that. I allow myself to go hide in the library. It has a very comfy seating area with a blanket and some stuffed dinos. I am allowed to curl up in there but not in the closet. The goal is to work to a place where being alone in a room feels as safe to me as physically hiding in a small space does.My therapist and I chat about that sometimes. It is really hard but making myself be willing to walk away, be alone, and come back has helped.
I also find that people I am close to are usually really amazing. I tend to react to someone's disappoint or anger with me by becoming very scared they will scream at me or hit me. I am never entirely certain people wont react this way, even if they have never done so in the past. I understand that is is an irrational feeling coming from internal sources. I have been working really hard to talk to my current partner about these feelings. He is really great about explaining that he isn't going to hurt me, understanding that I can't turn off this thought process, and just helping me work past it. I also have a close friend who makes a point of apologizing and just being really blunt with me. He doesn't get angry with me, because he doesn't allow anything to build to the point of anger. It does come off as abrupt at times but it helps me identify behavior I can work on without getting to the irrational place. It has helped me a lot to simply have people understand that I can not turn off the thought patterns or the fear. I KNOW one thing but I still FEEL another. I hate knowing I can trust a friend or partner entirely and then being so scared of them that it makes my stomach hurt and my hands shake. They don't deserve it and neither do I. But I know that this behavior is what helped me get through some really dark places, so it is very hard to explain." -D.M.
Trying a new format: A Vlog Update of Life in 2020
Hey Friends,
I am trying out a new format to see if it will work better for my attempts at maintaining this blog.
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