This section on safety and security is intended to discuss the ways in which survivors can regain a sense of security after losing their sense of safety. It can be useful for survivors and their loved ones. Each person will have a unique experience as they seek to regain a sense of security, simply because the loss of security is incredibly personal.
Safety is largely about the physical space one can occupy. It can be difficult to find spaces that are safe simply because removing any trigger and having complete physical control over a space is often limited to one's own home.
Security, on the other hand, is more about the internal feeling of safety. It is how safe someone feels when navigating the world as a whole and their life. A lack of security can manifest in many ways including anxiety, paranoia, insecurities, anger, fear, phobias, etc. Many people will become defensive rather than admit to a feeling of insecurity in a space.
"I touched on my feelings of insecurity in the last post. I have a very hard time feeling safe in public spaces unless I do things like wear pants. For me, regaining security has often been about identifying what generates the most anxiety and fear, then working to minimize that.
I like to feel like I have a fighting chance. I want to be dressed in a manner that lets me run or fight. I want to know how to get in and out of the places I am in. And I like to go places with people I trust to keep me safe in those places.
Home is harder. I am very happy to live in a new apartment that I have no associations with. I have a library even. I do find that when I am very anxious or insecure that I want to curl up in a ball in the bottom of my closet. I am currently working on not doing that. I allow myself to go hide in the library. It has a very comfy seating area with a blanket and some stuffed dinos. I am allowed to curl up in there but not in the closet. The goal is to work to a place where being alone in a room feels as safe to me as physically hiding in a small space does.My therapist and I chat about that sometimes. It is really hard but making myself be willing to walk away, be alone, and come back has helped.
I also find that people I am close to are usually really amazing. I tend to react to someone's disappoint or anger with me by becoming very scared they will scream at me or hit me. I am never entirely certain people wont react this way, even if they have never done so in the past. I understand that is is an irrational feeling coming from internal sources. I have been working really hard to talk to my current partner about these feelings. He is really great about explaining that he isn't going to hurt me, understanding that I can't turn off this thought process, and just helping me work past it. I also have a close friend who makes a point of apologizing and just being really blunt with me. He doesn't get angry with me, because he doesn't allow anything to build to the point of anger. It does come off as abrupt at times but it helps me identify behavior I can work on without getting to the irrational place. It has helped me a lot to simply have people understand that I can not turn off the thought patterns or the fear. I KNOW one thing but I still FEEL another. I hate knowing I can trust a friend or partner entirely and then being so scared of them that it makes my stomach hurt and my hands shake. They don't deserve it and neither do I. But I know that this behavior is what helped me get through some really dark places, so it is very hard to explain." -D.M.
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