Loneliness and isolation are feelings that most people will experience within their lifetimes regardless of personal trauma. Humans tend to crave contact and the feeling of belonging to a group, the lack of those leads to loneliness and isolation.
Loneliness is the "producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation" due to "being without company" or "being cut off from others" as defined by the Merriam- Webster dictionary online. This definition is accurate when describing loneliness as a negative emotion that survivors live with. It captures the depth of the emotion and how hard it can be to overcome.
Isolation is "the state of being in a place or situation that is separate from others" as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. Isolation is intrinsically tied to loneliness in that one must be isolated in some way to become lonely.
Loneliness and isolation are common emotions that most everyone will experience in their life times. They can vary in severity and be intensified by trauma, mental health issues, physical health issues, or geographic location. These emotions may be the easiest for Loved Ones to empathize with.
Isolation can play a larger role for people who experience abuse. A number of abuse victims and survivors will keep their personal trauma secret or tell only a small number of people. They may choose to do this because they feel unsafe, judged, guilty, or ashamed. The abuser may have conditioned their victim, be actively blackmailing, or even threatening their victim. Social pressures and values [ The Social Aspects of Abuse were discussed previously in sections starting here.] may also play a role in why a survivor chooses to remain silent about their trauma. The end result of this silence, or possibly social stigma, is that the survivor may start to feel very alone in the world and very isolated. Powerlessness may compound these feelings.
A survivor who feels very isolated or alone will begin to change their behavior in some way. The way this is done will vary wildly by person, depending on the situation and their mental health. They may reach out to others, seek legal recourse, run away literally, act out violently, begin practicing self harm, or become suicidal. Children tend to have a wider range of reactions to negative emotions; we at Stars recommend using this link to find more information about how children respond to abuse.
Loneliness and isolation are a bit hard to describe in broad terms, and each person experiences them a little differently. Some of collaborators here at Stars would like to take a few moments to share our experiences with both loneliness and isolation.
"Loneliness and isolation are somewhat hard for me to pinpoint. I tend to see those moments as a point of desperation more. I am desperate for love, affection, kindness, compassion. I think it was more intensely like that when I was being abused. It amplified my need for kindness rather than mercy and affection rather than obligation. Always, I felt compelled to keep the true extent of my abuse a secret; to spare the people I loved the pain of knowing and because I was (and am) very scared of the possible consequences of being outspoken in that regard. I worry that either of my abusers, or their families perhaps, will be unkind or seek to hurt me even. The secrecy made me feel very alone, because I literally had no outlet for the complicated emotions I was feeling. I wrote a lot of poetry then, I screamed out the truth but I hid it in a code. Anyone, literally anyone, was welcome to read what I wrote. It was like daring them to see the truth, to ask me about it, to pretty pretty please help me. I was hoping someone would know what I was feeling. Here is a small sampling of that, pardon the poor writing style.
Rhymes and reason
Nonsensical fun
Imaginary Worlds
Playing homes
Childhood memories
So innocently sweet
Following next
My Penance, my torture
Burning Fingers
How they blister my belly and more
Throws of desire
Spasms of remembrance
Gulping Air
Choking Tears
Not so innocent, nor naive
I see my sin
This is the cross I bear
This is the secret I keep
These are the tears of misery
That I weep
In the end, I was the one who started to reach out to people who behaved like me, talked like me, carefully coded their words like me. It was a compelling terror the first time I did that, but it has gotten easier to do with time. Now, I just don't want other people to feel as desperately alone as I did, so here we are writing this blog. Please know, anyone who is read this, that you are truly not alone as an abuse survivor, and we want to make this easier if we can." -D.M.
"Isolation is my unwelcome companion of late; after letting go of a year long relationship with a nice man, whom I choose to imbue with characteristics he did not possess, I have been feeling very alone. I have been diagnosed with Dependant Personality Disorder recently. Since then, I have seen the importance of learning to rely on myself; on my reasoning, opinions, values, and ideals without needing constant external direction and reassurance. In fact, I found I most often didn't know what I thought about many issues; I didn't know what I wanted or needed; not even what I liked or felt about most things. It has been a slow, painful process as I learn to listen to myself.
Recently, I have been sick, and being sick by myself has been horrible. I've wept as I felt unloved, unwanted, and uncared for. The isolation of a sick bed without a caring presence chills my feverish bones to the marrow. I wonder, is this what my fast approaching old age will be like? I feel invisible, nonexistent. The sweet family units I see everywhere I go seem to mock me. I feel unworthy of love and care.
So, how do I go on from here?
How do I leave this sadness and self pity behind?
How do I build a patchwork of loving friends that feel like family, and yet maintain my voice, my individuality?
I am trying to learn to enjoy my own company. This is difficult for me, but it is getting easier. I reach out to friends; the goal is to stay connected, but remain autonomous. Like most things in life, there are dialectics at play; accepting that opposites can exist simultaneously gets easier over time. I am trying to be kind and nonjudgmental with myself, but I very often fail at this. I am working on accepting that sometimes pain heralds change and growth. This realization makes my emotional discomfort meaningful, which really helps me. Still, I am not happy. I feel empty. I feel sad much of the time. But, I am not going to give up. I will Change. Metamorphosize. Courage, I am working towards you." -Holly
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