Positive Self-esteem and Self-Worth: The Expanded Version

   Self-esteem and self-worth were covered in a subsection of our Negative Emotions section. That post pertained mostly to loss of self worth and low self esteem. This post is intended to cover positive self esteem, regaining self worth, and how to move forward.

  Below is a brief recap of what self-esteem and self-worth actually are, as well as what makes those things positive.

 Self-esteem is to have "a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss having and rebuilding high self esteem, thus a feeling of having moderate to high respect for yourself and your abilities. Self esteem issues, particularly low self esteem, can be caused by a wide number of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors and some abuse survivors have good to excellent self esteem. This post will address how best to build self-esteem regardless why one has low self-esteem.

  Self-worth is to have " a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss positive or high self-worth in addition to high self-esteem, thus having  a feeling that you are  a good person and do deserve to be treated with respect. Self-worth, like self-esteem, can be caused by a wide range of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors, although it is very common among them. This post will also cover how best to improve self-worth.

  The majority of advice and discussion in this post will be based on personal experiences by our collaborators. We understand that the vast majority of survivors, and people generally, struggle with these issues . The causes of low self-esteem and self-worth can be deeply personal, highly traumatic, and/or completely subjective. Please, take whatever helps and pass over what does not.

  The Mayo Clinic has two lists of steps for how to improve self-esteem that can be found here; one is based on cognitive behavioral therapy while the other is based on acceptance and commitment therapy. The steps based on cognitive behavioral therapy will be more effective for those who use rational reasoning while the acceptance and  commitment therapy steps may be more effective for those who use emotional reasoning. A summary of those steps can be found below.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

1. Identify Troubling Condition or Situations
2. Become Aware of Thoughts and Beliefs
3. Challenge Negative or Inaccurate Thinking
4. Adjust Your Thoughts and Beliefs

 This system largely works on redirecting harmful thoughts to create new healthy patterns. It requires some self awareness and introspection.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

1. Identify Troubling Conditions or Situations
2. Step Back from Your Thoughts
3. Accept Your Thoughts

  This system works on pushing one to gain perspective using an altered point of view. It focuses on using self awareness and self affirming behaviors to create new healthy thought patterns.

   Improving feelings of self-worth is a process with less concrete steps. Often, when one improves their self-esteem, then self-worth will follow. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, deciding on personal standards, and removing toxic relationships can help create a pattern where self-worth increases on its own. The contrast of a healthy relationship over an unhealthy one can be very motivating, even if maintaining healthy relationships require work. Once firm boundaries and standards are decided upon, using steps very similar to the ones listed above will help in creating healthy thought patterns about self-worth.

   Self-esteem and self-worth issues can be very common; our collaborators at Stars have shared their struggles with negative self-esteem and self-worth in the previous post, now they will share how they have worked to make positive changes in their own lives.

   "I mentioned having a serious streak of bravado. I can be cocky at times. I was very willful and particular as a child; I had things I loved doing no matter how poorly I might do them. I am genetically predisposed to being stubborn like that. I found over time that I had some talents that really made me happy. I was naturally good at science, cooking, painting, and writing. I often indulged in these things for my own happiness. It made it very hard for anyone to take those things away from me or shake how I felt. I could be criticised for them, but some part of me is an asshole enough to say 'Fuck you. I love doing this.' That turned out to be a blessing in many ways. The abusive romantic relationship I was in put me in a situation where I was slowly giving up all these dreams I had, because they didn't feel possible anymore. The one I didn't give up on was culinary school. I knew I was good at cooking and I loved doing it. It was my calm in the storm, so I never ever let anyone convince me I shouldn't do it. It wasn't about good or bad, because it was about my love of doing it rather than the end result.

  My self-worth was not as durable. I still struggle with that a fair amount. I have to remind myself that healthy relationships do not keep a score, and that if you treat others as you wish to be treated, then you set a standard with more than words. I might not feel like I deserve some of the kindness and gentleness I have received, but I do generally expect to be treated as I treat others, so being kind is a very reasonable expectation. External validation helps, but so does the bravado a little bit. It helps to fake the self confidence I don't have until I can sit for a bit to rationalize things. The difference in my life and my happiness now versus about seven years ago is night and day. I would not go back to that for anything, which helps me see that this is better even if I am sometimes insecure. Being a little selfish is a good thing sometimes. I can't say I feel I deserve to be respected all the time, but I don't mind demanding that respect anyways. It creeps into my job a lot. I work hard, but sometimes I have to channel my inner diva a little when I feel anxious or guilty for asking for things." -D.M.

Negative Emotions: Low Self-esteem and Self-worth

    This section on negative emotions is intended mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

    This post will be one of a pair in regards to Self-esteem and Self-worth. It is included in the negative emotions section to cover how low self-esteem feels and affects survivors. The next post on Stars will be about building positive self esteem and self worth, keep an eye out for that. 

  Self-esteem and self-worth are similar concepts but they are not interchangeable. They are both internalized concepts of self, but self-esteem in about how you see yourself and self-worth is how you relate yourself to others. It is possible to have a higher sense of one than the other, though they are often linked.

  Self-esteem is to have "a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss having low self esteem, thus a feeling of having little to no respect for yourself and your abilities. Self esteem issues, particularly low self esteem, can be caused by a wide number of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors and some abuse survivors have good to excellent self esteem.

  Self-worth is to have "a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss low self-worth in addition to low self-esteem, thus having a a feeling that you are not a good person and do not deserve to be treated with respect. Self-worth, like self-esteem, can be caused by a wide range of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors, although it is very common among them.

   Stars is primarily intended to be a resource for abuse survivors and their Loved Ones. Self-esteem and self-worth are both somewhat complicated concepts and responsive to many types of external input. Our focus for this post will be about how abuse has a negative impact on those feelings, although our collaborators may include other external input when sharing their personal experiences below. 

  An abuse survivor may have been groomed by their abuser. This process is not necessarily complicated, premeditated, or structured in any way, although it may be if the abuser is predatory. Grooming is most often used to describe the actions by abusers of children; the intention is to gain the prospective victim's trust (and that of any authority figure necessary) and manipulate the victim to better suit the abusers needs. Many times this can include bribery, blackmail, excessive affection, threats. It can be a process of making the victim fearful or one of making them feel special. Adults in abusive situations may be similarly groomed, although there is typically some initial consent (saying yes to a date, dating, previous consensual sex, marriage, etc) in adult relationships. Think of consent as a one time use ticket that the abuser uses for unlimited uses by fraud. The result of grooming is often that the victim/survivor feels they can no longer trust their sense of self-esteem (the abuser lied, made them feel special to hurt them) or that the sense of self-worth was eroded by the grooming ("This is the best I can do." or " I don't deserve better.")

 Survivors of abuse may then face the full gamut of negative emotions we have covered as they seek to heal and move on. Shame and guilt can call into question one's sense of self worth while powerlessness can undermine one's self-esteem. Many times a survivor will feel that they can not trust their own sense of self because they have been lied to, tricked, manipulated, or forced into situations that hurt them in numerous ways. Depression, PTSD, various other mental health issues, and social stigma about such mental health issues may compound the feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth. Statements such as "I am too broken."/"I am not worth anything." or questioning "Why did I deserve this?"/ "Why was I only worth ...?" may be common occurrences from survivors with low self-esteem or self-worth.

   Our next section will explore how to build positive self-esteem and self-worth, as we feel that it deserves it own, longer post. The following paragraphs are personal experiences shared by some of our collaborators. Please feel free to comment or share your own in the comments below.


   " I will admit that I have a serious streak of bravado. I have moments of insecurity but I am generally rather sure of myself, more so as an adult. I know what I am good at, I know what I want, and I generally go for it. I would say my self-esteem has always been fairly high. I thank my  parents for that, and the many outlets that were provided for me. If I had a doubt, I would remind myself that I was good at cooking or painting. Perhaps it is just that first child, over achiever mindset. Despite fairly good self-esteem, I have had self worth issues. I am very prone to settling for behavior because I know that my issues are complicated and difficult to deal with. I am quick to describe myself as 'broken'. I struggle with mental health issues. I could weigh a bit less, and I could make a little more money. I know that I have the skills to be amazing at things but sometimes lack motivation to complete a task. I am happy with myself, even if that has taken some time and continual introspection to maintain. Truly I am. Just sometimes I fail to see why other people bother with me, the pros seem to be outweighed by the cons. I am unmotivated, prone to rages, very blunt. I am a hedonist and an escapist. I can be very selfish. There is a laundry list of reasons I could name that someone shouldn't bother with me. It seems strange that a good sense of humour, being a decent cook, and loving to create could make up for those things or some of the almost deal breaker ones that come up [ We will discuss some of those issues in a later section about relationships, sex, and general dysfunction.].  My SO can vouch easily that I waver from overly confident to terrified he will leave, more of the mercurial nature he claims I process.

   It does seem odd somehow to be able to forgive and love myself while not seeing that others should be able to do the same. I can rationalize it, but it doesn't always feel that way. No one else can see those quiet milestones or watches as I complete my therapy. They don't hear the stars or watch the struggles that I overcome daily without ever telling people. I feel like I always tell my Love that I am working on things. I am trying. Because I am, but he can't see it or measure it the way I can within myself. I give myself lots of pep talks, and talk to the stars. I have to work against the anxiety a lot more some days. Hopefully it means that I am a more patient, loving, tolerate partner/friend when I am not being the broken mess I am some days." -D.M.

  "Personally, self-esteem and self-worth are very intertwined for me. I know there are things I am good at. I also know that, while I might be one in a hundred or so, there are a lot of people on Planet Earth; so there are plenty of people who are as good as I am, or better. That ties into my self-worth through a process of thinking, 'Well, I may be good at X, but so are a lot of other people who aren't messed-up, worthless shits like me.'

 Then, there is a stereotype that some people like to call the 'Vampire Myth': that abused children go on to abuse others. Like most stereotypes, it has an element of truth; the abused are much more likely than those who weren't to abuse others. But, it's also mostly false, in that the vast majority of those who are abused never abuse anyone else. [ Basically, Most survivors never abuse anyone, but almost all abusers were abused.]

   The big problem for me is in the gap. I have urges and fantasies of abusing others. I also know the reality of being abused, and I  want to actually do that to anyone. Those urges and fantasies, however, contributed to a feeling that I'm a horrible person; to thoughts like, "if anyone knew what was in my head, they wouldn't want to be around me" or "I'm just a monster waiting to happen; I should just kill myself before it does." [A later section will discuss violent impulses, abusive fantasies, and intrusive thoughts.]

  People tell me that I am kind and wonderful, a good father and a good person; but it all just feels like a lie. I have to remind myself all the time that it is not what I am, or even what I think that defines me. It is what I do." -T.


  

Negative Emotions: Loneliness and Isolation

    This section on negative emotions is intended  mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

    Loneliness and isolation are feelings that most people will experience within their lifetimes regardless of personal trauma. Humans tend to crave contact and the feeling of belonging to a group, the lack of those leads to loneliness and isolation. 

    Loneliness is the "producing a feeling of bleakness or desolation" due to "being without company" or "being cut off from others" as defined by the Merriam- Webster dictionary online. This definition is accurate when describing loneliness as a negative emotion that survivors live with. It captures the depth of the emotion and how hard it can be to overcome.

   Isolation is "the state of being in a place or situation that is separate from others" as defined by the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. Isolation is intrinsically tied to loneliness in that one must be isolated in some way to become lonely. 

    Loneliness and isolation are common emotions that most everyone will experience in their life times. They can vary in severity and be intensified by trauma, mental health issues, physical health issues, or geographic location. These emotions may be the easiest for Loved Ones to empathize with. 

   Isolation can play a larger role for people who experience abuse. A number of abuse victims and survivors will keep their personal trauma secret or tell only a small number of people. They may choose to do this because they feel unsafe, judged, guilty, or ashamed. The abuser may have conditioned their victim, be actively blackmailing, or even threatening their victim. Social pressures and values [ The Social Aspects of Abuse were discussed previously in sections starting here.] may also play a role in why a survivor chooses to remain silent about their trauma. The end result of this silence, or possibly social stigma, is that the survivor may start to feel very alone in the world and very isolated. Powerlessness may compound these feelings. 

   A survivor who feels very isolated or alone will begin to change their behavior in some way. The way this is done will vary wildly by person, depending on the situation and their mental health. They may reach out to others, seek legal recourse, run away literally, act out violently, begin practicing self harm, or become suicidal. Children tend to have a wider range of reactions to negative emotions; we at Stars recommend using this link to find more information about how children respond to abuse.

   Loneliness and isolation are a bit hard to describe in broad terms, and each person experiences them a little differently. Some of collaborators here at Stars would like to take a few moments to share our experiences with both loneliness and isolation.

  "Loneliness and isolation are somewhat hard  for me  to pinpoint. I tend to see those moments as a point of desperation more. I am desperate for love, affection, kindness, compassion. I think it was more intensely like that when I was being abused. It amplified my need for kindness rather than mercy and affection rather than obligation. Always, I felt compelled to keep the true extent of my abuse a secret; to spare the people I loved the pain of knowing and because I was (and am)  very scared of the possible consequences of being outspoken in that regard.  I worry that either of my abusers, or their families perhaps, will be unkind or seek to hurt me even. The secrecy made me feel very alone, because I literally had no outlet for the complicated emotions I was feeling. I wrote a lot of poetry then, I screamed out the truth but I hid it in a code. Anyone, literally anyone, was welcome to read what I wrote. It was like daring them to see the truth, to ask me about it, to pretty pretty please help me. I was hoping someone would know what I was feeling. Here is a small sampling of that, pardon the poor writing style.

Rhymes and reason

Nonsensical fun

Imaginary Worlds

Playing homes

Childhood memories

So innocently sweet

Following next

My Penance, my torture

Burning Fingers

How they blister my belly and more

Throws of desire

Spasms of remembrance

Gulping Air

Choking Tears

Not so innocent, nor naive

I see my sin

This is the cross I bear

This is the secret I keep

These are the tears of misery

That I weep

     In the end, I was the one who started to reach out to people who behaved like me, talked like me, carefully coded their words like me. It was a compelling terror the first time I did that, but it has gotten easier to do with time. Now, I just don't want other people to feel as desperately alone as I did, so here we are writing this blog. Please know, anyone who is read this, that you are truly not alone as an abuse survivor, and we want to make this easier if we can."  -D.M.

  "Isolation is my unwelcome companion of late; after letting go of a year long relationship with a nice man, whom I choose to imbue with characteristics he did not possess, I have been feeling very alone. I have been diagnosed with Dependant Personality Disorder recently. Since then, I have seen the importance of learning to rely on myself; on my reasoning, opinions, values, and ideals without needing constant external direction and reassurance. In fact, I found I most often didn't know what I thought about many issues; I didn't know what I wanted or needed; not even what I liked or felt about most things. It has been a slow, painful process as I learn to listen to myself.

   Recently, I have been sick, and being sick by myself has been horrible. I've wept as I felt unloved, unwanted, and uncared for. The isolation of a sick bed without a caring presence chills my feverish bones to the marrow. I wonder, is this what my fast approaching old age will be like? I feel invisible, nonexistent. The sweet family units I see everywhere I go seem to mock me. I feel unworthy of love and care.

So, how do I go on from here?
How do I leave this sadness and self pity behind?
How do I build a patchwork of loving friends that feel like family, and yet maintain my voice, my individuality?

   I am trying to learn to enjoy my own company. This is difficult for me, but it is getting easier. I reach out to friends; the goal is to stay connected, but remain autonomous. Like most things in life, there are dialectics at play; accepting that opposites can exist simultaneously gets easier over time. I am trying to be kind and nonjudgmental with myself, but I very often fail at this. I am working on accepting that sometimes pain heralds change and growth. This realization makes my emotional discomfort meaningful, which really helps me. Still, I am not happy. I feel empty. I feel sad much of the time. But, I am not going to give up. I will Change. Metamorphosize. Courage, I am working towards you." -Holly