Negative Emotions: Powerlessness

   This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

    Powerlessness means to lack the sufficient ability, power, or means according to the Webster-Merriam dictionary. This definition doesn't quite capture the emotion this post is about, but its synonym inadequacy doesn't quite capture the depth of this emotion either. The powerlessness that the abused suffer from is a profound sense of inability to change or better oneself. It is the feeling that you have no control over your own body, mind, finances, reproductive health, or self worth. Powerlessness manifests itself in a number of ways. It can come across as insecurity, anger, hesitation, avoidance, and fear. 

    Powerlessness may also be referred to as "learned helplessness" (a technical term) which is the inability to defend against the abuse due to learned behaviors. These behaviors are reinforced when attempts to report abuse are not taken seriously or handled appropriately by figures of authority. They may also stem from situations in which abuse escalated after attempts at fighting back or resisting. Essentially, the abused learns to accept or internalize the abuse in order to avoid more abuse or damage.

   Powerlessness can be a huge stumbling block for many survivors, particularly if the abuse is recent. Many types of abuse have a period of 'grooming' or escalation where the abuser will chip away at self-esteem and normal social barriers. The abuser may isolate the victim or condition them in such a way that their self-worth is virtual nonexistent. This makes it easier for the abuser to either hide or rationalize away the abuse.Powerlessness is a result of that conditioning and isolation,  though more serious psychological problems may also result. The abuser needs the victim to feel alone, insecure, and as if they have no way out in order to continue the abuse. These feeling do not immediately end when the abuse does. 

   A survivor may spend a very long time trying to relearn healthy behaviors and how to trust. It can feel a lot like the abuser still has control of their life in some way, as though they are still in control. This may be due to damaged self-image, physical injuries, medical issues, psychological issues, financial ruin, or physical destruction. There are a great many ways these issues can present and play out for a survivor. Some examples are as follows in our collaborators experiences. We realize that this is a tiny section of the issues survivors as a whole work with but hope that others will share their own experiences below and with each other.

   "The first series of abuse I endured ended nearly a decade ago, and the second about half a decade ago. The first set of abuse has made certain genres of music unbearable, induces a certain type of nightmare, left a severe distaste for a variety of 'pet names', created a fear of being in close quarters with men, an inability to relate sex and love, and a dislike of certain sexual actions. The second resulted in a notable weight gain, damaged self-esteem,increased frequency and incredibly violent nightmares, another set of nicknames I can't stand, made any sort of loud speech terrifying, nerve damage, an extreme anxiety/paranoia about returning to my hometown, and a return of some sexuality issues. 

     The first set of issues are much reduced now. I simply dislike people I don't know in my personal space, and I have worked hard to rehabilitate my perception of sex. I still have nightmares but they are less violent and explicit as of late. The second set is still a work in progress. It is very hard to feel like I can ever return to 'normal' when I don't know why I am so scared or how to make it go away. There is this logical component to it, something saying why worry about that. Then there is this emotional component that is is saying HELL NO!!! It really feels like I don't have control of certain trains of thought at all, or emotions. I simply do not visit my hometown unless absolutely necessary. The physical damage has restricted me somewhat in my career path, and its really really hard to feel like things are okay some days. I get off of a productive but hectic work shift and am in a lot of pain, more than everyone else. Sometimes I just sit on the floor and cry. I don't ever want to rely on pain meds like my ex did, and my doctor has had a hard time pinpointing what the problem is. I can take care of myself physically and it reduces the things that make me hurt like that but its never going to not be a problem. It's disheartening at times to realize that you have literally no real control over your body or emotions years later. I wouldn't ever refer to all of that together as powerlessness but that's what it is. It's the feeling that no matter how hard I try, I can never completely undo some of those things. Damage from things I never ever wanted in the first place." -D.M.

   Powerlessness might not be something you can completely remove from your life, because it also occurs in various benign social situations and some medical situations. It is something that every survivor can work on reducing though. The first step is to work on your own self-esteem and self worth. That might be hitting the gym, getting more involved with your community, picking up an old hobby, or simply setting goals and working toward them. Education helps immensely, please refer to our resources page. Learn about abuse, the effects, and what resources are near you. Professional therapy might be necessary. It can be hard to take that step but its worth it. It helps to rebuild yourself, to find a solid support group, and to actively try to work through some of the issues that you can. Overcoming powerlessness is about establishing your own identity again and taking control of your life.

  Our collaborators would like to share some of their experiences with working past feelings of powerlessness, if you would also like to share, please do so in the comments below.

   " My experiences with powerlessness are often in relation to things I have lost or can not do anymore, although on many occasions during the abuse I felt powerless or like I had no choice in the matter. I often felt that the consequences of trying to stop it were worse than the abuse itself. However misguided or wrong I may have been at the time, the thought of causing additional stress or hardship to my family was always compelling me to be silent. The fear that what was scary and mildly uncomfortable could become violent and permanently damaging was often present. I admit that even writing this makes me a little nervous because either of my abusers could read this and decide to act against me. I generally focus on moving forward though so I am going to share some of my perspective on that now.

     There are some incredibly difficult moments to rebuilding myself, but I always kept one goal in mind through the entire relationship I had with my ex turned abuser. I wanted to become a baker or pastry chef. I wanted to get into this private university to study culinary arts. It's what I am passionate about. It was way easier to do things when it was just another step toward that goal, and I was like a rabid dog latched onto that goal. The acceptance letter to graduation, it felt like I was taking back bits of myself in a way. It wasn't ever easy but it was something that my abusers didn't and couldn't take from me. It was actually one of the only things I felt that couldn't take from me. Graduation was a huge triumph for me, much more than a diploma, it was the knowledge that I had succeeded in the face of so much difficulty and pain. 

     Culinary school was not the end of my journey though. There are so many other tasks that I have had to go through even when I felt out of control and terrified. I can tell you that it was almost torture to sit in a doctor's office and explain that I had this injury because I was physically assaulted. I almost backed out of going. It was a whole process for me, from making the appointment to getting results. I knew that they weren't going to tell me I was dying but it made everything so vividly real for me. I went because this is just another step toward my baker goal. I don't want the damage done to continue to affect my job. It doesn't make it any easier to sit there and admit that I have lost control over a portion of my physical and mental wellbeing. I hated the pity and disbelief, as if I allowed this horrible thing to happen to me. I had not allowed it to happen, I had minimized the damage as much as I could but I had no ability to stop it.

   The damage done is evident beyond school and work. It's part of my personal life. I deal with the after effects of my abuse in many ways small and large.It is really embarrassing to ask my significant other if we can leave a restaurant that we already ordered at, because the music is causing me to flashback. It was knowing that no matter how much I really wanted my plate of ribs, that I didn't want to think about my abuser on a night out. I don't want my abuser to ever mess up the wonderful things I do have in my life, in spite of the abuse. I want my life to be more than that. Sometimes it takes work but damn it, I want that insane happy ever after with casual date nights, whole days in bed, silliness... and that's my new goal. I want to build a real life with my Love."
                                                                                                                                                                        -D.M.

"One of the things that I remember the most about living in a home with abuse is that sense of powerlessness. I was thinking about how much larger than me the abuser was and that not even my mom, who I had always thought of as the only protection I knew, could do anything to stop him. I was mad at her for not stopping him, until I realized she was even more scared than I was. She was scared of being alone and of what he might do to me. She was scared of what would happen if she wasn’t there with my siblings and I, if she wasn’t home with us. It was that sense of powerlessness that was the strongest thing I had ever felt; until the day my anger was stronger than that powerlessness. The day I had that realization is the day my childhood ended, and it is a source of some of my anger issues. Those anger issues continue to be something I work on and the reason I diligently strive to avoid violence as a means of expression or resolution within my daily life." - Thomas

*** The following account contains some graphic imagery and personal experiences that may trigger individuals with similar backgrounds or sensitivities. Please be advised to skip over the following text in gray. ***

"I was abused while very young, in physically violent fashion, by adults. I quickly learned that if I fought back, things would only be worse. That the best thing was simply to lay there and let it happen, and let my mind go somewhere else while it did.

   To quote something I've written before: "I remember laying there, bent over the tailgate of a truck. We'd both just been used.  My uncle and the other man were smoking, talking to each other after.  I was laying there, crying silently. You learn not to make noise because if you do, and they don't like the noise you make, they hurt you more. However, if they do like the noise you make, that's worse. They had tied the other boy's wrists to one of the supports that held up the truck's tailgate. He had managed to free his hands one at a time. Then he was shaking my arm, trying to get me to move, looking at me with desperate eyes. I was ten, or thereabouts at the time. Two years it'd been happening, on and off. I had learned not to fight and I had learned what happens when you fight. He hadn't.

There's a line from a Springsteen song: 'you end up like a dog that's been beat too much, spend half your life just a-coverin' up'.  That was me then and sometimes it still is.

Once you've learned that habit of not fighting back, of not trying to do anything about what's happening to you, it spills over into other parts of your life. You don't talk to people, even the ones who are important to you, because you're afraid you'll say the wrong thing. You don't protest when you're handed a shitty assignment at work, because you're afraid you'll get fired. You acquire the internal belief that things just happen to you, and there's nothing you can do about it - and because of that, you don't try to take control of things. You're already sure that it won't work, deep down inside, so why make the effort?" - T.

Negative Emotions: Anxiety

   This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.

     Anxiety is 'an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs such as sweating, tension, and increased pulse. It is caused by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, as well as self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it.' This is the definition provided by the Webster-Merriam dictionary. Anxiety can also be considered a medical condition for which the exact cause is not fully understood, although it can be linked to a number of medical conditions or as a side effect to medication. More information about anxiety as a medical condition can be found on the Mayo Clinic website. The two are not mutually exclusive, and anxiety related to abuse should be treated as a medical condition.

    Anxiety is an emotion that most people can empathize with. It can be expressed in many ways, and has a spectrum of severity. The majority of people experience lesser forms of anxiety throughout their life when in stressful situations while persons with medical issues or traumatic pasts may experience a more severe or pervasive form of anxiety. Coping mechanisms for anxiety range from the benign to the extreme with some being healthy and other destructive. Meditation, breathing exercises, therapy, and medication are the most common solutions provided by the medical community. Professional assistance may be needed if coping mechanisms include obsessive compulsive thoughts, self harm, destructive behaviors, harming others, or forms of self-sabotage (within personal and/or professional aspects of life). 

    It is difficult to cover the full range of those spectrums in a short post but we hope to share some of our experiences with anxiety here. As usual, we invite our readers to share their experiences with anxiety in the comments.

     " Anxiety is never the word I use to describe how I feel. It seems to mundane compared to the uneasy, restless feeling seeping out of my bones. It is however the main issue I spend most of my days working against. Recently, it reached a point where I sought out therapy. I have put off seeing a therapist for many years, instead focusing on building a support group, freewriting, and meditation.  I have other legitimate issues that I struggle with such as nightmares and flashbacks. These are incredibly unpleasant issues to deal with, and after time I began to feel anxious that I would again experience a nightmare or flashback. I started putting off sleep or leaving my house after I had hit a trigger, both of which made matters worse. I was withdrawing from social situations and nervous at work. I was spending a lot of time dwelling on the feelings.  A friend finally told me I needed help when a stalking situation caused a flashback, and I started having panic attacks after consensual, desired sex with my significant other. I would enjoy myself until the end and then instead of afterglow I would have this intense, very rapid emotional free fall ending in dread. It was a familiar feeling in a way, but it had been a number of years since I had been in any of the situations that had originally caused me to feel that way.

     I made an appointment with a therapist the day my friend suggested it. He really isn't the type to suggest therapy at all, so I knew I must have shocked him with my revelation. I was initially very scared to see a therapist but the appointment went well. It was decided that I was having panic attacks due to anxiety and that it had probably intensified due to the issue with the stalker situation. I was told that I had done everything I could outside of therapy. It was a relief to talk to someone about everything. I was assigned a list of questions to help me rationalize situations (such as being safe outside my house) and was told to do some EMDR exercises. I was also encouraged to continue my normal activities with increased exercise, allowing time to prove to myself that everything was okay. Medication was considered as a last resort. I thankfully have not needed to take that last step as of writing this post. 

    Ultimately, I have to employ rationalization the most, followed by breathing exercises and EMDR. I will make myself do something in spite of the anxiety if I can find no rational reason for it."  - D.M.



     "Anxiety from abuse comes in a lot of forms, and it's not always obvious, even to the sufferer. Social anxiety easily gets interpreted as "being shy", especially for those who abuse happened early. Generalized anxiety can be hard to recognize as well, as it becomes so pervasive that it simply blends into the background of your life. You don't notice that you're slowly becoming a shut-in, or you rationalize it as what you want.

     It's okay to have just a few friends, but if you feel like you have no friends, or like your circle of friends keeps getting smaller, definitely get assessed for anxiety. I personally spent years with a shrinking circle of local friends, as those who I knew from high school and college moved away, and I was too socially anxious to get out and make more. It took a suicide attempt and the ensuing therapy to get me to actually start finding local activities and making friends again.

     As someone with dissociative tendencies, my experience of anxiety is also a bit different. I can get the increased heart rate, sweaty palms, and so forth - or, sometimes, all of that shuts down, and I do things as someone else, switching into a mental mode of detachment, like I'm a rider inside my head, watching someone else work the controls. I don't physically feel anxious in that state, so it took me a long time to link that with being anxious. Now that I have, though, I know it's also something to watch out for."  - T

   As usual, there is a fair chance that more personal experiences will be added as out collaborators find time to submit their choice of words.

     Anxiety is one of the harder emotions to broadly define because it expresses itself in so many ways and no two people will cope with it in exactly the same way. The healthiest and most effective solutions are meditation, therapy, and medication. These may be supplemented by life style changes, mindfulness techniques, and sheer will power at times. We strongly encourage readers who are using alcohol, drugs, or self-harm as coping techniques to look into other alternatives and to review our Resources and Help page for where best to find assistance. Additional resources include the United Way Organization within your local community. They can provide a directory of organizations within each community that specialize in helping people with substance abuse, domestic abuse, crisis and suicide prevention, and other important community services.