This section on negative emotions is intended for mainly for survivors. We want to take a moment to define the emotions and provide a little insight into how these emotions affect survivors, as a guide for the Loved Ones reading. Please keep in mind that everyone has a unique experience and set of emotions.
Shame and guilt are separate emotions but often seem to come as a pair. Their definitions are similar and as follows.
Shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; the ability to feel guilt, regret, or embarrassment. It is also defined as dishonor or disgrace.
Both of these definitions were provided by the online version of the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Please note that shame is literally the ability to feel guilt. I picked the definitions appropriate to our post.
Shame and guilt are some of the foremost feelings many survivors have about their abuse. These emotions can easily consume the entirety of some and are often the reasons that some forms of abuse go unreported. They make it difficult to share with others or seek help. The aspects of abuse that generate feelings of shame and guilt will vary for each person and depending on the social norms in their society. For example, men in Western societies often feel shame for physical and sexual abuse due to social perceptions of masculinity. [ A deeper look into this topic can be found here.] Various cultures place blame on female victims of rape, seeing the attack as a form dishonor; a direct opposition to the common perception in many western societies.
Each survivor will experience shame and guilt for different reasons and at different times. The following paragraphs are personal experiences that our collaborators would like to share from their lives. We invite readers to add their own experiences in the comment section.
"It has always been a more guilt than shame for me. I kept my early sexual abuse to myself for a number of reasons, some of which were youthfully naive in hindsight. I thought of myself as the good girl, the responsible big sister, the good daughter helping after my parents divorced. It felt a lot like saying something would destroy my family as it was, like I was being selfish, because I could see how much my abuser contributed to our house financially and I had an idea how hard things could be otherwise. It also felt as if I had betrayed my custodial parent, since it was their significant other at the time, but it was still an adult giving directions. I was conflicted on what to do, how to behave and be the 'good girl'.
We went to church a lot at the time and I was at the age where they begin to drum the abstinence and purity ideals into your head. I remember feeling like I had already messed up, that even my immortal soul was soiled by the confusing occurrences.
It took a while before I realized that I had been abused. There were not a lot of resources that I could find easily at the time and a lot of misconceptions about abuse were the best I had to go on. It was mostly the sorts of things friends had been checked for by DCF (Department of Children & Families). I had no bruises, cuts, blood, or physical trauma to show and it had moments of being somewhat enjoyable even, which only made things worse. The guilt became unbearable for a time as I searched for salvation. It was infinitely complicated by the complex whirlwind that is puberty. I was very confused and depressed. I truly thought that the nightmares and building depression were a punishment from God. I prayed a lot for a while, but in the end I lost my faith in Christianity. I was very scared that if I told anyone that they would yell at me, maybe hit me or call me a liar. I could not imagine a compassionate response or that my parents would still love me. I finally told my best friends. I felt like I wanted to melt through the ground and end all existence. I wanted more than anything to cease to be. Not the desperate desire to end pain as when suicidal, a desire to simply undo all that I ever was. I simply wanted to not have been able to disappoint anyone or fail in this huge way. It felt as if there would never be any redemption for allowing this to happen, for my reactions, or for not figuring things out sooner.
It took a while before I realized that I had been abused. There were not a lot of resources that I could find easily at the time and a lot of misconceptions about abuse were the best I had to go on. It was mostly the sorts of things friends had been checked for by DCF (Department of Children & Families). I had no bruises, cuts, blood, or physical trauma to show and it had moments of being somewhat enjoyable even, which only made things worse. The guilt became unbearable for a time as I searched for salvation. It was infinitely complicated by the complex whirlwind that is puberty. I was very confused and depressed. I truly thought that the nightmares and building depression were a punishment from God. I prayed a lot for a while, but in the end I lost my faith in Christianity. I was very scared that if I told anyone that they would yell at me, maybe hit me or call me a liar. I could not imagine a compassionate response or that my parents would still love me. I finally told my best friends. I felt like I wanted to melt through the ground and end all existence. I wanted more than anything to cease to be. Not the desperate desire to end pain as when suicidal, a desire to simply undo all that I ever was. I simply wanted to not have been able to disappoint anyone or fail in this huge way. It felt as if there would never be any redemption for allowing this to happen, for my reactions, or for not figuring things out sooner.
I still deal with moments of extreme guilt at times. It has lessened with the years but a lot of dealing with it has been a conscious effort. I began to learn more about abuse as a whole and tried to rationalize things. It helped me greatly to learn that your body will physiologically react to stimuli regardless of the origin of the stimulation. I learned that it is possibly for victims of sexual abuse and rape to orgasm from the assault. It is simply what your body is built to do, and in many ways the natural reaction helps to lessen physical damage. It can wreck you emotionally though.
Ultimately, an odd book by my favorite author helped me with this. It has a female lead who has been repeatedly abused in a sexual manner; she is scared and unable to consummate her relationship with her husband because of it. The story takes place as they travel through alternate dimensions. She is on this other world talking with a female character who really enjoys sex, and where sex is viewed as a natural biological action. There isn't really any social taboos about sexuality, provided both parties consent. The have a conversation about their view points on sex and men, each reliving memories. The end bit of the conversation is about how the abused lead simply did what she had to in each situation and how it simply was not her fault that other people where bad, as rationalized by the other woman. She was forced to make difficult choices in harsh situations. Its a bit more complex than that but it helped me to read those words. It gave me some hope that the real world reaction would be the same. I liked the idea that I could take personal responsibility for my actions without it necessarily meaning that my actions lead to my abuse." -D.M.
"Shame has been a big part of my experience. I grew up in the South in the ‘70s, when calling a man gay or a fag was a huge insult. Gay men, and gay behavior, were stigmatized in a way that I’m not sure those who are in their 20s can really grasp. In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, when I was being abused, there was still largely a national media blackout on talking about gays and gay rights. Gays were largely in the closet — only 24% of people surveyed said they knew anyone who was gay, compared to 76% today.
Because I am a male who was abused by a male, my abuser used this stigma to help keep me from talking about it. Even though I was not gay, and did not desire nor initiate any of the sexual activity that was done to me, I was called faggot, gay boy, cunt-face, and so forth by those who abused me.
Ultimately, an odd book by my favorite author helped me with this. It has a female lead who has been repeatedly abused in a sexual manner; she is scared and unable to consummate her relationship with her husband because of it. The story takes place as they travel through alternate dimensions. She is on this other world talking with a female character who really enjoys sex, and where sex is viewed as a natural biological action. There isn't really any social taboos about sexuality, provided both parties consent. The have a conversation about their view points on sex and men, each reliving memories. The end bit of the conversation is about how the abused lead simply did what she had to in each situation and how it simply was not her fault that other people where bad, as rationalized by the other woman. She was forced to make difficult choices in harsh situations. Its a bit more complex than that but it helped me to read those words. It gave me some hope that the real world reaction would be the same. I liked the idea that I could take personal responsibility for my actions without it necessarily meaning that my actions lead to my abuse." -D.M.
"Shame has been a big part of my experience. I grew up in the South in the ‘70s, when calling a man gay or a fag was a huge insult. Gay men, and gay behavior, were stigmatized in a way that I’m not sure those who are in their 20s can really grasp. In the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, when I was being abused, there was still largely a national media blackout on talking about gays and gay rights. Gays were largely in the closet — only 24% of people surveyed said they knew anyone who was gay, compared to 76% today.
Because I am a male who was abused by a male, my abuser used this stigma to help keep me from talking about it. Even though I was not gay, and did not desire nor initiate any of the sexual activity that was done to me, I was called faggot, gay boy, cunt-face, and so forth by those who abused me.
The one time I called one of them a faggot, he threatened to cut my tongue out, and actually took a knife and made a cut on my tongue. I still have the scar.
I still battle feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which have affected my social and sexual relationships. It’s hard to change the mental habits of a lifetime. It’s made it difficult to advocate for myself, to discuss what was done to me, and makes discussions of sexual experiences painful." - T.
"Shame has been a big part of my life for a long time; whether it was shame at being a disappointment to my family or the shame of letting myself get put into the situation where I could be abused. I believed that my abuse had been my fault and that I had brought it on myself.
I was always told that if I let myself get taken advantage of, that I should just deal with it. So I tried. But I just felt like the slut I was called. It was even worse that I had to look into their knowing eyes every day at work. That they knew what they had done and that I had been powerless to stop them.
It was even harder to admit to my friends and my now husband what had happened. I was so afraid they would believe I had wanted it or that I was lying. My husband has helped me accept that nothing was my fault and that what they did was unforgivable. It is a hard battle but it has gotten better. I have been able to be open with my husband and been able to trust again." -Nemo
[ It is important to note that many societies change over time as progress is made. This can make talking about certain type of abuse more difficult because the views on some issues at that time are now considered to be outdated and wrong. The effect is the same, even if the survivor never shared those views or is strongly against them. It is simply the way things were at the time.]
The last part of this post is intended to provide survivors with some idea how to work past this particular emotion. A lot of these will have very similar answers in the end but we do hope that our stories will provide a base point for any survivor reading this.
Guilt and shame are very difficult feelings to deal with. They perpetuate a feeling of isolation that makes seeking help much more difficult. Ideally, these issues are best dealt with by speaking with a professional therapist and educating yourself about the abuse suffered. A support group may also be helpful. Sharing with a sympathetic audience, as discussed previously here, can be a great help for feelings of guilt and shame. The experience of positive reactions counter to expectation can be a great help for survivors with feelings of guilt and shame. Many of the negative emotions are a matter of personal introspection to get past, guilt and shame take courage to admit to and then active practice to move beyond.
I still battle feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy, which have affected my social and sexual relationships. It’s hard to change the mental habits of a lifetime. It’s made it difficult to advocate for myself, to discuss what was done to me, and makes discussions of sexual experiences painful." - T.
"Shame has been a big part of my life for a long time; whether it was shame at being a disappointment to my family or the shame of letting myself get put into the situation where I could be abused. I believed that my abuse had been my fault and that I had brought it on myself.
I was always told that if I let myself get taken advantage of, that I should just deal with it. So I tried. But I just felt like the slut I was called. It was even worse that I had to look into their knowing eyes every day at work. That they knew what they had done and that I had been powerless to stop them.
It was even harder to admit to my friends and my now husband what had happened. I was so afraid they would believe I had wanted it or that I was lying. My husband has helped me accept that nothing was my fault and that what they did was unforgivable. It is a hard battle but it has gotten better. I have been able to be open with my husband and been able to trust again." -Nemo
[ It is important to note that many societies change over time as progress is made. This can make talking about certain type of abuse more difficult because the views on some issues at that time are now considered to be outdated and wrong. The effect is the same, even if the survivor never shared those views or is strongly against them. It is simply the way things were at the time.]
The last part of this post is intended to provide survivors with some idea how to work past this particular emotion. A lot of these will have very similar answers in the end but we do hope that our stories will provide a base point for any survivor reading this.
Guilt and shame are very difficult feelings to deal with. They perpetuate a feeling of isolation that makes seeking help much more difficult. Ideally, these issues are best dealt with by speaking with a professional therapist and educating yourself about the abuse suffered. A support group may also be helpful. Sharing with a sympathetic audience, as discussed previously here, can be a great help for feelings of guilt and shame. The experience of positive reactions counter to expectation can be a great help for survivors with feelings of guilt and shame. Many of the negative emotions are a matter of personal introspection to get past, guilt and shame take courage to admit to and then active practice to move beyond.
