Hello Friends,
Lets talk about Med Changes!
Monday, January 1, 2024
Sunday, December 31, 2023
Catching Up - December 2023
Update for December 2023
Hello Friends,
I am just awful about posting but am trying to be better in 2024. Lets kick off with a chance to catch up.
New videos will be coming on topics such as Med Changes, Taking Fostering Classes, and relationship issues.
- DM
Friday, October 30, 2020
Safety and Security: Safety Loss
This section is intended to discuss the loss of safety and how that impacts survivors of abuse. It is more relevant to loved ones and those wishing to understand more about abuse, as many survivors are extremely aware of what safety loss is.
The introduction on Safety and Security defined safety as "a place free of danger" or " the state of not being dangerous or harmful." This will vary by survivor but there are some very obvious factors.
A safe place will be an area where the survivor is in relative control of their ability to leave. It will be free of potential triggers, including their abuser, and will allow the survivor to feel they have physical control over external factors. Depending on the survivor's mental health, a safe place may also be free of any objects that can be used to self harm, toxic people, or other anxiety inducing triggers unrelated to the abuse.
A survivor may feel that an area is no longer safe if they experienced abuse in that space, rendering the entire area a trigger, or if their abuser has unfettered access to that space. It is somewhat uncommon for open public spaces to feel "safe" for this reason. Alternately, survivors with intense emotional responses may avoid spaces where they last felt unsafe, even if the space itself was unrelated. This is similar to how a place someone cries in after a break up is associated as a sad place.
"I have PTSD which presents with hypervigilance. I find that unless I know all the exits, likely persons to enter a space, and what can be used as a weapon that no space feels particularly safe. Clothing choices can make safer spaces feel less safe, if I do not feel that I can run or fight. This means that I can feel perfectly fine going to see a movie in jeans but that wearing a dress would be entirely too much. I would feel too vulnerable. There really isn't a rational reason for this, as none of my abuse took place while I was wearing a dress. It is simply that I do not feel very safe unless I am locked in my own home, and anything that could make me more vulnerable outside of that space seems like an unnecessary risk.
It is to such an extreme that I have opted out of work events meant to honor myself and others, simply because I could not be sure what the layout of the room was and if someone would be able to come up behind me. I realize on a rational level that a room full of people being honored for commited work is an unlikely place to be attacked but I would feel so incredibly vulnerable that I would not be able to enjoy the event and it would likely make me physically ill.
I am actually worried that if I do not make myself go into uncomfortable situations sometimes that I will become agoraphobic. It tends to come and go along with my depression, but I will make myself get dressed and go get food outside of my house if I realize that the only time I have left is for work. I tend to be anxious and paranoid the entire time. Sometimes a loved one will come with me, and that helps, but occasionally I still ask to leave early or hide in the car. It makes me feel like crap because normal people can go grocery shopping, to lunch, or to a film without being so scared all the time. I honestly hate it. I wish I could feel safe in more places." -D.M.
The introduction on Safety and Security defined safety as "a place free of danger" or " the state of not being dangerous or harmful." This will vary by survivor but there are some very obvious factors.
A safe place will be an area where the survivor is in relative control of their ability to leave. It will be free of potential triggers, including their abuser, and will allow the survivor to feel they have physical control over external factors. Depending on the survivor's mental health, a safe place may also be free of any objects that can be used to self harm, toxic people, or other anxiety inducing triggers unrelated to the abuse.
A survivor may feel that an area is no longer safe if they experienced abuse in that space, rendering the entire area a trigger, or if their abuser has unfettered access to that space. It is somewhat uncommon for open public spaces to feel "safe" for this reason. Alternately, survivors with intense emotional responses may avoid spaces where they last felt unsafe, even if the space itself was unrelated. This is similar to how a place someone cries in after a break up is associated as a sad place.
"I have PTSD which presents with hypervigilance. I find that unless I know all the exits, likely persons to enter a space, and what can be used as a weapon that no space feels particularly safe. Clothing choices can make safer spaces feel less safe, if I do not feel that I can run or fight. This means that I can feel perfectly fine going to see a movie in jeans but that wearing a dress would be entirely too much. I would feel too vulnerable. There really isn't a rational reason for this, as none of my abuse took place while I was wearing a dress. It is simply that I do not feel very safe unless I am locked in my own home, and anything that could make me more vulnerable outside of that space seems like an unnecessary risk.
It is to such an extreme that I have opted out of work events meant to honor myself and others, simply because I could not be sure what the layout of the room was and if someone would be able to come up behind me. I realize on a rational level that a room full of people being honored for commited work is an unlikely place to be attacked but I would feel so incredibly vulnerable that I would not be able to enjoy the event and it would likely make me physically ill.
I am actually worried that if I do not make myself go into uncomfortable situations sometimes that I will become agoraphobic. It tends to come and go along with my depression, but I will make myself get dressed and go get food outside of my house if I realize that the only time I have left is for work. I tend to be anxious and paranoid the entire time. Sometimes a loved one will come with me, and that helps, but occasionally I still ask to leave early or hide in the car. It makes me feel like crap because normal people can go grocery shopping, to lunch, or to a film without being so scared all the time. I honestly hate it. I wish I could feel safe in more places." -D.M.
Safety and Security: Regaining Security
This section on safety and security is intended to discuss the ways in which survivors can regain a sense of security after losing their sense of safety. It can be useful for survivors and their loved ones. Each person will have a unique experience as they seek to regain a sense of security, simply because the loss of security is incredibly personal.
Safety is largely about the physical space one can occupy. It can be difficult to find spaces that are safe simply because removing any trigger and having complete physical control over a space is often limited to one's own home.
Security, on the other hand, is more about the internal feeling of safety. It is how safe someone feels when navigating the world as a whole and their life. A lack of security can manifest in many ways including anxiety, paranoia, insecurities, anger, fear, phobias, etc. Many people will become defensive rather than admit to a feeling of insecurity in a space.
"I touched on my feelings of insecurity in the last post. I have a very hard time feeling safe in public spaces unless I do things like wear pants. For me, regaining security has often been about identifying what generates the most anxiety and fear, then working to minimize that.
I like to feel like I have a fighting chance. I want to be dressed in a manner that lets me run or fight. I want to know how to get in and out of the places I am in. And I like to go places with people I trust to keep me safe in those places.
Home is harder. I am very happy to live in a new apartment that I have no associations with. I have a library even. I do find that when I am very anxious or insecure that I want to curl up in a ball in the bottom of my closet. I am currently working on not doing that. I allow myself to go hide in the library. It has a very comfy seating area with a blanket and some stuffed dinos. I am allowed to curl up in there but not in the closet. The goal is to work to a place where being alone in a room feels as safe to me as physically hiding in a small space does.My therapist and I chat about that sometimes. It is really hard but making myself be willing to walk away, be alone, and come back has helped.
I also find that people I am close to are usually really amazing. I tend to react to someone's disappoint or anger with me by becoming very scared they will scream at me or hit me. I am never entirely certain people wont react this way, even if they have never done so in the past. I understand that is is an irrational feeling coming from internal sources. I have been working really hard to talk to my current partner about these feelings. He is really great about explaining that he isn't going to hurt me, understanding that I can't turn off this thought process, and just helping me work past it. I also have a close friend who makes a point of apologizing and just being really blunt with me. He doesn't get angry with me, because he doesn't allow anything to build to the point of anger. It does come off as abrupt at times but it helps me identify behavior I can work on without getting to the irrational place. It has helped me a lot to simply have people understand that I can not turn off the thought patterns or the fear. I KNOW one thing but I still FEEL another. I hate knowing I can trust a friend or partner entirely and then being so scared of them that it makes my stomach hurt and my hands shake. They don't deserve it and neither do I. But I know that this behavior is what helped me get through some really dark places, so it is very hard to explain." -D.M.
Safety is largely about the physical space one can occupy. It can be difficult to find spaces that are safe simply because removing any trigger and having complete physical control over a space is often limited to one's own home.
Security, on the other hand, is more about the internal feeling of safety. It is how safe someone feels when navigating the world as a whole and their life. A lack of security can manifest in many ways including anxiety, paranoia, insecurities, anger, fear, phobias, etc. Many people will become defensive rather than admit to a feeling of insecurity in a space.
"I touched on my feelings of insecurity in the last post. I have a very hard time feeling safe in public spaces unless I do things like wear pants. For me, regaining security has often been about identifying what generates the most anxiety and fear, then working to minimize that.
I like to feel like I have a fighting chance. I want to be dressed in a manner that lets me run or fight. I want to know how to get in and out of the places I am in. And I like to go places with people I trust to keep me safe in those places.
Home is harder. I am very happy to live in a new apartment that I have no associations with. I have a library even. I do find that when I am very anxious or insecure that I want to curl up in a ball in the bottom of my closet. I am currently working on not doing that. I allow myself to go hide in the library. It has a very comfy seating area with a blanket and some stuffed dinos. I am allowed to curl up in there but not in the closet. The goal is to work to a place where being alone in a room feels as safe to me as physically hiding in a small space does.My therapist and I chat about that sometimes. It is really hard but making myself be willing to walk away, be alone, and come back has helped.
I also find that people I am close to are usually really amazing. I tend to react to someone's disappoint or anger with me by becoming very scared they will scream at me or hit me. I am never entirely certain people wont react this way, even if they have never done so in the past. I understand that is is an irrational feeling coming from internal sources. I have been working really hard to talk to my current partner about these feelings. He is really great about explaining that he isn't going to hurt me, understanding that I can't turn off this thought process, and just helping me work past it. I also have a close friend who makes a point of apologizing and just being really blunt with me. He doesn't get angry with me, because he doesn't allow anything to build to the point of anger. It does come off as abrupt at times but it helps me identify behavior I can work on without getting to the irrational place. It has helped me a lot to simply have people understand that I can not turn off the thought patterns or the fear. I KNOW one thing but I still FEEL another. I hate knowing I can trust a friend or partner entirely and then being so scared of them that it makes my stomach hurt and my hands shake. They don't deserve it and neither do I. But I know that this behavior is what helped me get through some really dark places, so it is very hard to explain." -D.M.
Trying a new format: A Vlog Update of Life in 2020
Hey Friends,
I am trying out a new format to see if it will work better for my attempts at maintaining this blog.
Sunday, July 22, 2018
Safety and Security: An Introduction
The next section is about Safety and Security. These concepts are universal but a little hard to adjust down to a personal level. Abuse survivors generally have a place, time, set of people that they consider to be "safe". Safety and security are important to most people, but both are also vital to healing after abuse. Survivors with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and DID may struggle more to reclaim feelings of safety and security.
Safety can be a number of things depending on the person. It can be the "state of not being dangerous or harmful" or it can be "a place that is free from harm or danger," according to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary. An abuse survivor may have a mental illness or behavioral issue that makes finding a safe place important to protect others or they may need a safe place to hide from danger. Safety is mostly about finding a physical location where danger is not present.
Security is "freedom from danger, fear, or anxiety," according to the online Merriam-Webster dictionary. It is very similar to safety, but focuses on the internal feeling of safety rather than the external dangers.
It will take time for any survivor to reclaim the feelings of safety and security that were lost during their abuse or assault. The process may be simpler for some than for others. Safety can be changing locks or moving location. Security is more about changing behavior and thinking to practice realistic caution opposed to extreme fear or paranoia.
This section will explore the ways one can be safe and find a sense of security in their day to day life.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Positive Self-esteem and Self-Worth: The Expanded Version
Self-esteem and self-worth were covered in a subsection of our Negative Emotions section. That post pertained mostly to loss of self worth and low self esteem. This post is intended to cover positive self esteem, regaining self worth, and how to move forward.
Below is a brief recap of what self-esteem and self-worth actually are, as well as what makes those things positive.
Self-esteem is to have "a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss having and rebuilding high self esteem, thus a feeling of having moderate to high respect for yourself and your abilities. Self esteem issues, particularly low self esteem, can be caused by a wide number of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors and some abuse survivors have good to excellent self esteem. This post will address how best to build self-esteem regardless why one has low self-esteem.
Self-worth is to have " a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss positive or high self-worth in addition to high self-esteem, thus having a feeling that you are a good person and do deserve to be treated with respect. Self-worth, like self-esteem, can be caused by a wide range of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors, although it is very common among them. This post will also cover how best to improve self-worth.
The majority of advice and discussion in this post will be based on personal experiences by our collaborators. We understand that the vast majority of survivors, and people generally, struggle with these issues . The causes of low self-esteem and self-worth can be deeply personal, highly traumatic, and/or completely subjective. Please, take whatever helps and pass over what does not.
The Mayo Clinic has two lists of steps for how to improve self-esteem that can be found here; one is based on cognitive behavioral therapy while the other is based on acceptance and commitment therapy. The steps based on cognitive behavioral therapy will be more effective for those who use rational reasoning while the acceptance and commitment therapy steps may be more effective for those who use emotional reasoning. A summary of those steps can be found below.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Below is a brief recap of what self-esteem and self-worth actually are, as well as what makes those things positive.
Self-esteem is to have "a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss having and rebuilding high self esteem, thus a feeling of having moderate to high respect for yourself and your abilities. Self esteem issues, particularly low self esteem, can be caused by a wide number of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors and some abuse survivors have good to excellent self esteem. This post will address how best to build self-esteem regardless why one has low self-esteem.
Self-worth is to have " a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss positive or high self-worth in addition to high self-esteem, thus having a feeling that you are a good person and do deserve to be treated with respect. Self-worth, like self-esteem, can be caused by a wide range of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors, although it is very common among them. This post will also cover how best to improve self-worth.
The majority of advice and discussion in this post will be based on personal experiences by our collaborators. We understand that the vast majority of survivors, and people generally, struggle with these issues . The causes of low self-esteem and self-worth can be deeply personal, highly traumatic, and/or completely subjective. Please, take whatever helps and pass over what does not.
The Mayo Clinic has two lists of steps for how to improve self-esteem that can be found here; one is based on cognitive behavioral therapy while the other is based on acceptance and commitment therapy. The steps based on cognitive behavioral therapy will be more effective for those who use rational reasoning while the acceptance and commitment therapy steps may be more effective for those who use emotional reasoning. A summary of those steps can be found below.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
- Identify Troubling Condition or Situations
- Become Aware of Thoughts and Beliefs
- Challenge Negative or Inaccurate Thinking
- Adjust Your Thoughts and Beliefs
This system largely works on redirecting harmful thoughts to create new healthy patterns. It requires some self awareness and introspection.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
- Identify Troubling Conditions or Situations
- Step Back from Your Thoughts
- Accept Your Thoughts
This system works on pushing one to gain perspective using an altered point of view. It focuses on using self awareness and self affirming behaviors to create new healthy thought patterns.
Improving feelings of self-worth is a process with less concrete steps. Often, when one improves their self-esteem, then self-worth will follow. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, deciding on personal standards, and removing toxic relationships can help create a pattern where self-worth increases on its own. The contrast of a healthy relationship over an unhealthy one can be very motivating, even if maintaining healthy relationships require work. Once firm boundaries and standards are decided upon, using steps very similar to the ones listed above will help in creating healthy thought patterns about self-worth.
Self-esteem and self-worth issues can be very common; our collaborators at Stars have shared their struggles with negative self-esteem and self-worth in the previous post, now they will share how they have worked to make positive changes in their own lives.
"I mentioned having a serious streak of bravado. I can be cocky at times. I was very willful and particular as a child; I had things I loved doing no matter how poorly I might do them. I am genetically predisposed to being stubborn like that. I found over time that I had some talents that really made me happy. I was naturally good at science, cooking, painting, and writing. I often indulged in these things for my own happiness. It made it very hard for anyone to take those things away from me or shake how I felt. I could be criticised for them, but some part of me is an asshole enough to say 'Fuck you. I love doing this.' That turned out to be a blessing in many ways. The abusive romantic relationship I was in put me in a situation where I was slowly giving up all these dreams I had, because they didn't feel possible anymore. The one I didn't give up on was culinary school. I knew I was good at cooking and I loved doing it. It was my calm in the storm, so I never ever let anyone convince me I shouldn't do it. It wasn't about good or bad, because it was about my love of doing it rather than the end result.
My self-worth was not as durable. I still struggle with that a fair amount. I have to remind myself that healthy relationships do not keep a score, and that if you treat others as you wish to be treated, then you set a standard with more than words. I might not feel like I deserve some of the kindness and gentleness I have received, but I do generally expect to be treated as I treat others, so being kind is a very reasonable expectation. External validation helps, but so does the bravado a little bit. It helps to fake the self confidence I don't have until I can sit for a bit to rationalize things. The difference in my life and my happiness now versus about seven years ago is night and day. I would not go back to that for anything, which helps me see that this is better even if I am sometimes insecure. Being a little selfish is a good thing sometimes. I can't say I feel I deserve to be respected all the time, but I don't mind demanding that respect anyways. It creeps into my job a lot. I work hard, but sometimes I have to channel my inner diva a little when I feel anxious or guilty for asking for things." -D.M.
Improving feelings of self-worth is a process with less concrete steps. Often, when one improves their self-esteem, then self-worth will follow. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, deciding on personal standards, and removing toxic relationships can help create a pattern where self-worth increases on its own. The contrast of a healthy relationship over an unhealthy one can be very motivating, even if maintaining healthy relationships require work. Once firm boundaries and standards are decided upon, using steps very similar to the ones listed above will help in creating healthy thought patterns about self-worth.
Self-esteem and self-worth issues can be very common; our collaborators at Stars have shared their struggles with negative self-esteem and self-worth in the previous post, now they will share how they have worked to make positive changes in their own lives.
"I mentioned having a serious streak of bravado. I can be cocky at times. I was very willful and particular as a child; I had things I loved doing no matter how poorly I might do them. I am genetically predisposed to being stubborn like that. I found over time that I had some talents that really made me happy. I was naturally good at science, cooking, painting, and writing. I often indulged in these things for my own happiness. It made it very hard for anyone to take those things away from me or shake how I felt. I could be criticised for them, but some part of me is an asshole enough to say 'Fuck you. I love doing this.' That turned out to be a blessing in many ways. The abusive romantic relationship I was in put me in a situation where I was slowly giving up all these dreams I had, because they didn't feel possible anymore. The one I didn't give up on was culinary school. I knew I was good at cooking and I loved doing it. It was my calm in the storm, so I never ever let anyone convince me I shouldn't do it. It wasn't about good or bad, because it was about my love of doing it rather than the end result.
My self-worth was not as durable. I still struggle with that a fair amount. I have to remind myself that healthy relationships do not keep a score, and that if you treat others as you wish to be treated, then you set a standard with more than words. I might not feel like I deserve some of the kindness and gentleness I have received, but I do generally expect to be treated as I treat others, so being kind is a very reasonable expectation. External validation helps, but so does the bravado a little bit. It helps to fake the self confidence I don't have until I can sit for a bit to rationalize things. The difference in my life and my happiness now versus about seven years ago is night and day. I would not go back to that for anything, which helps me see that this is better even if I am sometimes insecure. Being a little selfish is a good thing sometimes. I can't say I feel I deserve to be respected all the time, but I don't mind demanding that respect anyways. It creeps into my job a lot. I work hard, but sometimes I have to channel my inner diva a little when I feel anxious or guilty for asking for things." -D.M.
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