Personal Growth: Healthy Expression of Negative Emotions

 Personal growth, like healing, is not a linear process. 

Learning how to express negative emotions in a healthy way can be one of the most challenging parts of your healing journey. It takes conscious thought and intention to build new healthy patterns of behavior. It means having to deal with situations you wish you could avoid and making a commitment to doing better. Sometimes you will "get it right" and other times you will fall back into old patterns.

Where do you start?

To break a pattern of behavior, you first have to recognize it and decide you want to change it.

"I got out of my relationship with my abusive ex and sort of stumbled into the relationship I had with J. It wasn't really something we planned on and I hadn't put any thought into what behaviors I needed to work on at all. A couple years in, we got into an argument and I threw a wooden spoon at him. He caught it and set it on the floor telling me that was unacceptable. 

It was the first time I had to really consider that how I handled my anger was not appropriate. I had grown up watching my mom throw things when she was angry and I had only really been in a relationship where violence was always a possibility. 

I decided then and there that I didn't want to be that kind of angry. I wanted to be the sort of person that my partner felt safe talking to or arguing with. I didn't want to be like my ex. It was not a good feeling but it motivated me. I still had to work on yelling and learning how to communicate my anger but it was where the change started." - D.M.

Once you have noticed the pattern and decided to change, you need to decide how you DO want to handle things moving forward. This is now your goal and it is going to take practice.

Also weird is not necessarily bad if it works and doesn't create an unhealthy pattern. (i.e. coloring on yourself instead of self harming)

"Anger is hard. Learning to sit still and be quiet and measure my own voice when I feel the rage rolling off me has been a huge part of my journey. There have definitely been occasions where I was just too tired or stressed to manage myself and ended up screaming at people I love. I then had to own that action, apologize and make amends.

Likewise, I have had to learn to rationalize out feelings of guilt and shame rather than resorting to self harm. The impulse is still there but this year I celebrate twenty years since I last cut myself. Its easier these days because they have more awareness and they even have apps for it like Calm Harm. " - D.M.

What if I mess up?

You own it. Apologize and make amends if necessary. Forgive yourself and try to do better next time. 

What if I can't do it by myself?

That's okay too. 

Therapy and Anger Management Classes are tools you can utilize to help you on this journey. 

Personal Growth: "Hitting A Wall"

This post is more of a pep talk because we all need one sometimes on this path.    

 Personal Growth is a journey and sometimes you will "hit a wall" in that journey where you don't have the resources to continue. This is normal and you aren't failing.

    Personal Growth is asking you to make a lot of small decisions that lead to big changes. It is a consistent effort and active choices that need to be made day after day. Some days you wont have the energy, or the time, or the tools to make the choices you wish you could. Some days your mental health will not let you make the effort you want to make. Some days are just bad days.

    It is important to remember that when you hit a wall, tomorrow will be another day. When you hit a wall, you can reach out to others for help be that a supportive community or support group or just a close friend. The ability to give yourself the kindness and grace you give others is as important of a choice toward personal growth as any other.

So if today is a bad day, a no good sort of day where everything feels like too much, then its time to go back to basics.

Have you eaten a real meal today?

Have you had a glass of water today?

Have you gotten enough rest?

Have you had a chance to run to the bathroom recently?

Do you need to take two minutes in a quiet place to breathe?

Have you been in sunlight today?

You will function best if you have these basic things and it wont make a bad day into a good day but it will make sure it is a slightly less bad day. It will give you what you need to get through today so that tomorrow can be a better day.

And if tomorrow is also a bad day, you will do the basic things and it will be a slightly less bad day than today because you now have two days of self care done. And you might have the energy to reach out to someone who you trust to ask for a little help. They might make you laugh and the day will be a little less bad. 

If you hit a wall. That is normal and that is something you can get past. You are not alone in this journey.

Personal Growth : Breaking Cycles of Dysfunction

    The next section of is about Personal Growth and taking back control of our own journey. It is the conscious decisions we make to heal ourselves. This entry is specifically about breaking the cycles of dysfunction in your family and your life.

    Dysfunction, like abuse and growth, comes in a myriad of varieties but it will have a pattern and is often generational. There are a set of unspoken rules for how the dysfunction works and continues. Families may unwittingly pass these unspoken rules and dysfunction down through generations, even while attempting to break their own cycles. 

    The first step to breaking a cycle is to acknowledge that one exists in the first place. It is taking a step back to observe patterns of behavior within a family unit and/or within your own actions and to access if this pattern leads to healthy behaviors or dysfunctional behaviors. It may include empathizing and sympathizing with why this pattern has emerged while also recognizing its overall impact to the family and personal health.

" My examples will largely be from the perspective of someone breaking family cycles. The hardest part of seeing the pattern for me was that I was too close to it. I could understand why people were behaving that way and I was giving them a pass. Understanding why someone behaves badly can be helpful in pattern recognition but it should not be a pass on behaving better or holding someone accountable." - D.M.

    The next step is to decide what you are going to do about this cycle of dysfunction that you have recognized. Depending on the type of dysfunction, even making small changes for yourself  can generate a reaction in others around you. It can be hard to decide where to start making changes - Are you going to start therapy? Confront your family with the issue? Get sober? Take an anger management class? Go low or no contact with people? Use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to modify your own behavior?

    Once you have decided what to do you need to act on that decision.

    Most issues are the sort that you need to start with personal work and changes in your own life before you can incorporate any others in making changes. While therapy can be a great tool for some, it may not be the best fit or even accessible to all. The starting point has to be taking accountability for your own actions and making an effort not to repeat patterns of dysfunction in your own life. 

"I know that saying to make an effort not to repeat a pattern sounds over simplified and in some ways it is but that is the base of what breaking the cycle is. It is taking a long hard look at the life those around you live, noting the behaviors and outcomes and then making a decision for yourself on what you want. For example, I made note of my parents communication styles and how they handled anger. I knew the way their actions made me feel and I decided that I would not be handling my anger the same way they did. It has been an imperfect process of learning what management style works for me but ultimately I have reached my goal of not weaponizing my anger but using it as a conversation piece when moving toward a solution with my own partner and community. I still struggle with feeling like I have rage and anger issues but my feelings do not dictate my behavior. I am not continuing a cycle where my anger is used to create fear in others. " - D.M.

    Ways to break cycles of dysfunction

• Be honest and open to healthy criticism
• Be open to good faith conversations about how your behavior impacts others
• Be willing to sincerely apologize and make an effort to change problematic behaviors
• Disengage from bad faith conversations that continue patterns of dysfunction, this may take practice to learn to recognize
• Make a consistent effort to engage in healthy behaviors
• Accept that you may not know what a healthy behavior is and seek out information and resources to help you learn - its okay not to know what you don't know
• Seek professional help as needed, especially for mental health or addiction issues
• There are some struggles that simply can not be managed alone and it is okay to ask for help when you need it.
• Surround yourself with a community who supports your healthy choices
• Sometimes the family we are born into is not the most supportive, you may need to reach out to your found family or to a support group instead
• Be willing to set firm boundaries with others
• You have to advocate for yourself even if that initially makes you feel guilty or mean
• No is a full sentence
• You can love someone unconditionally without tolerating their behavior unconditionally
• Its okay to put yourself in time out if you need space
• Remember that progress is not linear and that your growth will come with both victories and defeats, but you can always try again tomorrow

   

     Some issues are worth a discussion with your family about why a pattern has emerged and about how it no longer serves to help the family. Whether this is something that is safe or that you have the spoons for is a serious consideration before starting a discussion. A discussion does not mean change on the part of others is guaranteed. 

Some discussions may be heavier one on one conversations with a parent or partner. This can be a place of growth if both parties are receptive to it.

    "Following up on my previous example, once I had addressed my own management of anger and worked through some of my own trauma I had a conversation with my mother. She was receptive to having an adult conversation where she explained to me the personal work she had done and acknowledged the way her anger impacted my upbringing. She then resolved to continue her personal work and the result is we have a much stronger healthier relationship today."- D.M.

    Some discussions will be a series of conversations with multiple people over time that result in an overall change for a wider family unit.

    In my family, the discussions that we have been having focus on mental health and how we talk about it primarily. It is myself and one of my cousins driving these conversations. They are not big sit downs with everyone in the extended family but rather a series of short conversations we have as they come up organically. The overall result is a gradual shift in how most of our family talks about and treats people who are openly struggling with mental illness resulting in more compassion and awareness.

    We do still have family members who are not open to change, but they have identified themselves as not being a safe place to seek help in mental health situations and the rest of the family has been able to adjust their expectations accordingly." - D.M.

    Family or group therapy may be a good fit for some situations but it is important to remember that certain types of abusers can make this an ineffective option. 

    Breaking the cycle of dysfunction is more about a million small choices you make rather than one big one. You may find that you break some cycles and not others. You can always make the decision to try again tomorrow or to try to help someone else in your family or community break a cycle you can not.

    " I talk a lot and I am close to both my grandmothers. It has been an eye opening experience to hear what cycles they broke in their own family before I was born. I think it is important to appreciate that sometimes there is a lot that needs to be fixed and each generation is working within its own paradigm. Again, I am not excusing some behaviors that still came down through the family but understanding why has helped me better evaluate why I make the choices I make.

    One of my grandmothers waited to have children until she could provide a stable home away from her mentally unwell mother in law. The other made a point to be a supportive mother and grandmother in a way she did not have in her own life. They each made their own mistakes but these were big decisions where they were learning as they went and wanted BETTER for their own children. Its imperfect and flawed as all humans are but I still see they act on the motivations for those decisions even today in their attempts to make our family a safe and happy place to be.

    And at the end of the day, both of these women are still willing to have conversations with me about their choices, their successes, and their failures so that my generation can learn from them and do better. This is them breaking a cycle still, because it is a relationship I have with them that neither could have had with their own grandmothers." - D.M.

   

    

Resource: Psychiatric Advance Directives (PAD)

Obligatory I am not a lawyer disclaimer here. 

A Psychiatric Advance Directive (PAD) can be one of the most empowering tools you have at your disposal if you have chronic mental illness that needs crisis intervention. Unfortunately, not all states recognize a PAD although you may be able to alter a advance directive ("Living will") to include mental health provisions in other jurisdictions. You can read more about what US states accept here.

What is a Psychiatric Advance Directive?

A Psychiatric Advance Directive is a legal document in which you describe the types of mental health treatments that you would or would not be filing to receive. It also allows you to designate an authorized decisionmaker for mental health decisions on your behalf.

It is essentially a "living will" for mental health.

How does it work?

You fill out a PAD form with your preferences. The forms are fairly self explanatory where it asks a question and you fill in a blank. A witness or notary may be required to be present when you sign the form to make it legally binding. (FYI: Many banks and post offices have a notary on staff in the US)

This form is then copied and put on file with your therapist, psychiatrist, or doctor for use in medical emergencies. It may also be wise to carry a copy on your person or take a copy with you to the hospital if necessary in a crisis.

You can request this form be removed from your file at any time if you need to update it.

Where do I find the form?

Forms for the US can be found here - https://nrc-pad.org/states/

Form provided by the NHS here

"I am going to be honest, this is not going to be an easy form to fill out for most people. You will need to sit and think about where you are at your worst and be realistic about the treatment you will need as well as what you want to happen. The idea is you let your most stable self make decisions for your most unstable self. 

This also means you are designating someone else to be able to make decisions for you and it will require at least one big conversation with that person to ensure they know what you want and agree to act in that capacity. 

Personally, while my husband knows my mental illness the best and I trust him the most, I did know that he will need emotional support if I am in crisis. I made the decision to make additional notes that he should reach out to two friends we refer to as "The Vulcans" if he was ever unsure of what I wanted because one could emotional support him while being rational and the other is someone I know would make the same choice as me in that spot 98% of the time, so if he was unsure she could provide insight. I know this may not be an option for everyone, especially if you don't have a community that talks about mental illness as openly as mine does. " - D.M.

An important part of being an adult is making sure you have a plan in place for when things go wrong. This includes ensuring you have done some estate planning, even if you are younger, because it ensures your wishes are followed when you do not have control. This can include having a Power of Attorney, Advance Directive (Living Will), and Will drawn up. A Psychiatric Advance Directive may be an excellent addition to these documents. 

" I am a firm believer in my mental illness not being my fault but being my responsibility.

Before I had surgery I needed to get my legal documents in order and I wasn't sure where to begin. My grandma gave me a little list of documents people normally put together so I could google forms. I ultimately decided to sign up for the free trial for Law Depot and use their software to create my forms. They do an excellent job of breaking down this process (here) and I was able to get everything notarized at the post office." - D.M.

Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Test

 In my Vlog about taking classes to become a foster parent I mention the ACE Test. I wanted to provide our readers with more information about what the ACE Test is and what information it provides. - D.M.

The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Test is a ten question quiz that identifies specific childhood trauma experiences which could be linked to a higher risk of health issues as an adult. The higher the number of ACEs, the greater the negative effects. 

This test is limited. It covers only ten types of trauma and does not include traumas related to poverty, housing insecurity, various forms of discrimination, or isolation. It is possible for a person to have faced greater levels of adversity and trauma than this test reflects. 

It also does not account for protective factors that may have an overall positive effect. Nor does it account for genetic factors that may make a person more sensitive to ACEs.

What do ACEs do?

They generate toxic levels of stress that have life long heath impacts such as:

• Increase risks for depression, asthma, cancer, and diabetes
• Increase risk of heart disease
• Increase likelihood of risky behaviors such as smoking and heavy drinking
• Increase risks of disordered or unhealthy eating habits

Yes. The trauma you experienced as a child could have a life long impact on your health. It is not a foregone conclusion but it is worth knowing your score and considering if you need to make life style adjustments with an increased risk factor.

Want to know what your ACE Score is?

Take the test here

Learn more here:

CDC*

American SPCC

NIH

* I have included a link to the CDC's website in this post because at the time of writing it is still functional. The current changes happening in the USA may result in this no longer working, at which point we will begin looking for alternate sources to reference.

Self-Care : Stress Management

 Continuing our section on Self Care is Stress Management.

No one is surprised to hear that stress can be bad for you. The kind of chronic stress that many people with mental illness and trauma live with is especially hard on the body. Symptoms can include pains, insomnia, sleepiness, low energy, being unfocused, nightmares, changes in appetite, increased alcohol or drug usage, emotional withdraw and more. It can have long lasting effects on your cardiovascular and mental health.

The most common advice you will see about managing stress are the same things we included in the post on Self Care: Maintaining Physical Health. Occasionally you will see suggestions for therapy or medication tossed in along with lots of recommendation to meditate. Those are excellent ways to support your overall health.

There are some additional healthy techniques and strategies you can use to manage stress in your day to day life.

• Set Realistic and Maintainable Boundaries
• Learn to say "no"
• Set aside time for yourself to decompress
• Learn to walk away 
• Seriously- GO FOR A WALK. It helps.
• Minimize your to-do list
• Its okay to have a "Good Day" list and a "Bare Minimum" list
• Consider how many of your to-dos are necessary, wanted, or just an obligation or expectation from someone else
• Take a break if you need it
• Build a reliable support network AND use it
• Being able to have honest compassionate conversations with those around you will give you the freedom to ask for support or for space depending on what you need
• Give yourself multiple ways to ask for support if you need them
• Talk out complicated feelings with a trusted friend
• Avoid unnecessary stressors 
• Don't get into emotional charged topics if you don't have the energy for it
• Delegate work if you need to
• Rationalize
• Your emotions are valid and your feelings are very real but sometimes they are not rational, take a moment to breath through it
• Don't try to control what is uncontrollable 
• Be Silly
• Will a dance party fix a fight with your boss? Probably not but the movement and some silliness might help you breath
• Sometimes all you can do is laugh, so embrace those moments as best you can
• Breathing and Stretching
• Stress can make you tense which is only going to make you sore later- be nice to future you and stretch. 
• Unwind
• Take time to disconnect from work and people. Give yourself a few minutes to just BE
• Consider setting a rule in your house that when someone walks in the door they get 10 minutes before being asked to do anything for anyone

There are also some unhealthy coping mechanisms that can create long term issues such as self medicating with alcohol or drugs, excessive sleeping, various forms of escapism, and unhealthy relationships with food or sex.

You can read more about healthy stress management here: Managing Stress (CDC)*

Stress management has been one of the biggest forms of self-care I partake in because the build up of stress brings out the worst in me. It makes me less than I am capable of - less kind, less compassionate, less whimsical, less myself. It takes a toll on my work, my family, my relationships.

Part of me is always thinking... but you've endured worse. You have survived worse. This should be nothing. 

Its not nothing though. We are not meant to live a life of constant unrelenting stress and because of trauma my whole nervous system goes into hyperdrive. I don't want to live like I did when everything was bad. I want to be able to enjoy the good in my life and I desperately envy those who live without the anxiety and spiraling.

But HOW do I manage stress?

It depends on the stressor. 

Work Stress - I ask my boss for help and I give myself grace to be less productive for an hour, an afternoon, or a day. I take PTO if I need to. If I am angry, I walk around the building a few times. If I am anxious about something irrational I take a few minutes to talk to my work bestie until the anxiety eases up.

Relationship Stress - I talk to my spouse. We have built a healthy marriage with strong communication and I rely on that foundation. I won't say the conversations are always pleasant or easy but I do typically feel better after a talk, and maybe a good cry with cuddles. We work to remember its us against the problem and that we are a team. He is my partner.

*This is similar to how I handle friendship issues. I try to only cultivate friendships where I can have serious conversations and address issues directly. It is not always successful and I am not perfect at it. I have come to accept that some friendships are not meant to be forever.

Family Stress - I reach out to those that can relate. I have built strong meaningful adult relationships with the women in my family so that I can reach out to my mom or my grandma or my aunt depending on the particular drama of the moment. I will discuss major issues with my husband. If I am really expecting something crazy, I may schedule a therapy appointment.

In-Law Stress - This is a particular subtype of family stress. I talk to my husband about how he wants to handle the situation and then I step back to let him handle his family directly if necessary. Occasionally a therapy appointment is helpful if I am really dwelling on something.

Mental Illness - Sometimes I just have to accept that I can't stop the physiological symptoms of my mental illness and I just try to breath through the worst of it. There are times where I just sit and rationalize and others where I just keep repeating "It isn't real." because that is all I can do. I also allow myself to take some time off work when necessary and sometimes I run away from everything for an afternoon or evening. If rage is the issue, sometimes I use free writing to get it all out. Exhaustion is always better than misery.

Physical Illness- Again, sometimes you cannot stop your body from doing what it is going to do. I have worked on giving myself the permission to take the time off to rest and to not be ashamed of what is out of my control. I breath through pain and try to meditate. Sometimes it works and sometimes swearing helps more. 

At the end of the day, sometimes there is no good solution so I either cry my face off or go for a walk/run. 

-D.M.

* I have included a link to the CDC's website in this post because at the time of writing it is still functional. The current changes happening in the USA may result in this no longer working, at which point we will begin looking for alternate sources to reference.

Self- Care - When Good Enough is Good Enough

 In addition to our posts about Self Care, I have recorded a Vlog about some real challenges and what it means when "Good enough is Good enough."