Control: How Control factors into Abuse (Trigger Warning: CSA, Suicide, domestic violence)

     There is no doubt that control factors in to abuse. It can take different forms and result in different types of trauma but control is often one of the main tools abusers have at their hard. I know readers who are working through their own trauma probably feel this is incredibly obvious, so this section is more for loved ones than survivors.

    Control can be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, reproductive, or social. It can be exerted in many ways, some more obvious and other more subtle. Abusers will often use this control to ensure their victims behavior or silence. It can be as overt as holding a weapon to their body or as insidious as convincing the victim that they are always being watched. Its common for people who leave abusive situations to be asked why they didn't leave sooner. Control is why. Their abuser had assumed a level of control that is hard to explain to others who haven't lived through the experience.

How do you leave if you have no money? 

Where do you go if you have no support group? 

When do you run if you are never alone? 

How do you stop someone bigger or stronger than you? 

How do you escape your own mind when they have twisted your reality?

What do you do if no one believes you? Or worse, they think you deserve this?

What do you do when its your boss or parents?

    Every survivor will have a personal story and the control their abuser had will vary. Its never as easy as just walking away. The act of walking away can be the most dangerous time in some cases, abusers thrive on the silence of their victims.

    " There are too many examples I could give and so I am going to use my personal one.

What would you do to protect your family? To ensure you had a place to live and food on the table?

Those are the questions I had to grapple with as a child because of my abuser. Adult me can see the lies but as an eight year old I couldn't. I loved my family and I knew we struggled. I didn't want my siblings to go hungry and I didn't want to be homeless. I didnt understand what was happening really, because not all sexual abuse is intrinsically painful.

What would you do?

Or the first person I told who would then tell me I would be all alone if I left him. I was young and naive but I had already had the police dismiss me and I was actively suicidal. It was stay or struggle worse if I was alone. I stayed... until he hit me. I wasn't sure if I would kill myself but I was sure he would kill me if I stayed.

I didn't have control of my home life. I didn't have control of my support group (family) and I didn't feel like I had control of my own narrative." - D

Control: Maintaining a healthy level of control

    Its not enough to regain control, it has to be maintained to find security and safety. 

 How to regain control as a survivor can be just as varied as the initial source of trauma. There are healthy types of control such as:

• Taking ownership of the narrative, telling your story out loud
• Establishing boundaries in existing relationships
• Creating distance or going no contact with abusers
• Self actualizing and self work
• Starting over fresh
• Therapy (multiple types)
• Exposure Therapy
• EMDR

    Maintaining this level of control will take consistent, imperfect actions until a habit is formed and likely routine maintenance after that. Ultimately self actualization and working on boundaries is necessary.

    Self actualization is the process by which an individual reaches their full potential. There are multiple stages to this process based on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It starts with physiological needs, moves up to safety needs, then loving and belong, then esteem, and finally self actualization.

    Some of the simple ones such as air, water, food, shelter, sleep, and clothing can present their own challenges depending on the availability of resources or a history of self neglect. Progress is not always linear because you can find love and belonging but struggle with material needs or safety needs. Everyone's journey will vary depending on what resources they have available at the start of the journey.

Ultimately though the journey is about prioritizing your own wellbeing and accepting responsibility for your own needs, accomplishments, and shortcomings.

    Boundaries will also be needed to protect a sense of safety and ensure needs are being met. This can be especially difficult for some and needs practice for most to be effective. It can be hard to speak out and demand the respect your boundary deserves. Additionally boundaries are about what you will tolerate not your control of others.

"I will not allow you to yell at me. I am leaving" versus " You are not allowed to yell at me."

Accepted that other people have free will and will behave badly at times is part of the process. Its not necessarily an enjoyable part of the process but coming to terms with the difference will help build stronger boundaries and a sense of self worth.

Okay, but how do I maintain a healthy level of control?

Start small and work your way up. It will take consistent imperfect practice to make habits and even then you will likely still need to work on some things more than others.

1. Base Needs - Have you gotten enough sleep? Eaten a proper meal? Drank enough water? Took a shower?

  > "At first, you may need to make a checklist to help yourself remember these things or even set timers on your phone. I still use my list when I am having a bad day. Being hungry can really wreck your day." - D.M.

2. Safety Needs - Do you feel safe? If not, how can you create a sense of safety in your daily life?

> "There has been points in my life where this was hiding in my closet for ten minutes to reset. Sometimes I cant sleep and I need to plan out our budget for six months to feel secure. Does it feel crazy sometimes... absolutely... but I am the person who has to live in my head and the peace is worth it." - D.M.

3. Love and Belonging- Have you put effort in to foster a healthy, loving relationship? Do you need to reach out to a support group to begin building community? When was the last time you texted or called that friend who cares about you?

 > " This one can be a struggle when all my energy is sapped. I have saved especially sweet texts from people I love on my phone to help me when I really need it. Its so much easier to reach out just to say I love you then." - D.M.

4. Self Esteem - What does your self talk look like? Have you taken time today to note the things you accomplished or are you only looking at the unending to do list?

    > "I keep a gratitude journal for this purpose. I note one of each- something that made me happy today, something that made me feel accomplished, something I did for self care." - D.M.

We will be covering this more in depth in the next section as well.