This next section is about Control which closely relates to the Safety and Security sections.
Control seems like a very basic concept on the surface. Its simply who has the power to direct behavior or events. Control in practice can be much more nuanced and complex. It can manifest in different ways depending on the people involved or the dynamics at play. Many, if not most, survivors of trauma struggle with feeling like they do not have control or trying to take back a sense of control.
How to regain control as a survivor can be just as varied as the initial source of trauma. There are healthy types of control such as:
- Taking ownership of the narrative, telling your story out loud
- Establishing boundaries in existing relationships
- Creating distance or going no contact with abusers
- Self actualizing and self work
- Starting over fresh
- Therapy (multiple types)
- Exposure Therapy
- EMDR
There are also unhealthy or maladaptive forms of control that some may attempt to exert such as:
- Authoritative roles in personal relationships
- Codependency
- Toxic feedback loops
- Extreme helicopter parenting
- Self sabotaging
- Lashing out at loved ones
- Destroying personal property
- Rage issues
- Self isolation
- Self harm
- Physical harm such as cutting, burning, etc.
- Putting ones self in dangerous situations
- Addictions and substance abuse
- Disordered eating (a diagnosis on its own that requires specialized treatment)
It can be very difficult to find a balance between feeling in control and having a healthy level of control. The support available, the information about mental health, and trauma informed care can be major factors and are unfortunately not universally available. Many people stumble on a combination of healthy mechanisms and unhealthy ones as they work through trauma on their own.
"Its hard to know where to begin because time doesn't always feel linear to me. Early on, I know that I often felt like I had no control of my own feelings, no control over my life, no say in what happened largely in my home. Some of the first places I felt in control were in self harm. I was in control over how much it hurt, how often it hurt, where it hurt, who saw it, and who knew.
Later I worked up the courage to tell someone what had happened. I felt so scared and so much guilt. Telling ones story can be incredible in the right setting but it is also a place of vulnerability. It means letting someone in and hoping they don't use it again you.
The first person I explicitly told about my childhood abuse ended up being my next abuser. It tainted my ability to reach out for help again. I wish I had adults I felt I could trust but I really didn't and unfortunately my religion at the time did not help in that regard.
For years I would look for control in the moment using the unhealthy mechanisms. It would feel like I was drowning and then for a moment I would lash out and suddenly people saw me and my pain. This contributed to my breakdown in my relationship with J and was ultimately a pattern I did not want to repeat with my now husband.
It took a dear friend reaching out to be like "You know I am a broken mess but right now you are worse than me. You need help. Please see a therapist." He was right. I made the appointment and started making an effort on learning healthy mechanisms AND putting them in practice consistently.
Healthy coping mechanisms take more work. They are harder because they are something you have to consistently, imperfectly practice until its a habit. It is worth it though because I get to have normal relationships now and I don't feel like I need to hurt myself. I am the closest to consistently happy that I have ever been now." - D
Therapy is not the only way to gain healthy coping mechanisms but it can be an enormously helpful tool if it is available to you. There are many self help books, support groups, youtube channels, and blogs dedicated to helping people gain the tools they need.
"One of the simplest, note simple not easy, things you can do to start this journey is paying attention to your self talk. How do you talk to yourself in your head or when you are alone? Would you let someone speak to a friend or loved one the same way? Probably not.
You have value. You have worth. You deserve to be happy. You are good enough as you are and your best should be measured against where you started not against someone else's successes.
Being kind to yourself sounds so simple but its a hard habit to engrain. However, once you stop being your own worst critic, it becomes easier to accept when others say something kind to you.
That being said, self actualization is the next step and being honest, but kind, about your own flaws and shortcomings can be even more difficult. I can be this super kind, hardworking, generous person but I can also be a selfish bitch at times. I am both and that is okay because in the future I can make the choice which version of me I am going to act on. It also means owning up to what I did when I was selfish... and its turns out sometimes my selfish was just a boundary others didn't care for." - D
For Loved Ones
How can you help your loved one feel like they have control?
Consistency, Kindness, and Patience.
Consistently give them space to express emotions, fears, and experiences. Respond with empathy and never use trauma against them or as leverage in a disagreement.
Be kind and patient. It can take months or even years for someone with severe trauma to come to fully trust that you are a safe place. It isn't personal and you are not being "punished" for someone else's behavior, its about survival and over time trauma literally rewires the brain. It takes time to undo that.
If you are not in a place to provide a consistent safe place over an extended period of time then you need to have a talk with your loved one to set expectations and maybe create a system that allows you both to tap out as needed.
"I know that saying to someone "I love you but I don't think I can deal with your mental illness" has to be a scary moment. My husband said this to me early in our time together and while it did sting to hear, I appreciated his honesty because it let me set my expectations. Over the years he put in the effort to learn more about my mental health, what I actually needed from a partner, and to work on his own issues. In the end, he is an excellent partner to me and handles my mental illness well but we both needed time to work on ourselves to reach this place." - D
