Below is a brief recap of what self-esteem and self-worth actually are, as well as what makes those things positive.
Self-esteem is to have "a feeling of having respect for yourself and your abilities" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss having and rebuilding high self esteem, thus a feeling of having moderate to high respect for yourself and your abilities. Self esteem issues, particularly low self esteem, can be caused by a wide number of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors and some abuse survivors have good to excellent self esteem. This post will address how best to build self-esteem regardless why one has low self-esteem.
Self-worth is to have " a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect" according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary online. This post will discuss positive or high self-worth in addition to high self-esteem, thus having a feeling that you are a good person and do deserve to be treated with respect. Self-worth, like self-esteem, can be caused by a wide range of experiences and some mental health issues. It is not exclusive to abuse survivors, although it is very common among them. This post will also cover how best to improve self-worth.
The majority of advice and discussion in this post will be based on personal experiences by our collaborators. We understand that the vast majority of survivors, and people generally, struggle with these issues . The causes of low self-esteem and self-worth can be deeply personal, highly traumatic, and/or completely subjective. Please, take whatever helps and pass over what does not.
The Mayo Clinic has two lists of steps for how to improve self-esteem that can be found here; one is based on cognitive behavioral therapy while the other is based on acceptance and commitment therapy. The steps based on cognitive behavioral therapy will be more effective for those who use rational reasoning while the acceptance and commitment therapy steps may be more effective for those who use emotional reasoning. A summary of those steps can be found below.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
- Identify Troubling Condition or Situations
- Become Aware of Thoughts and Beliefs
- Challenge Negative or Inaccurate Thinking
- Adjust Your Thoughts and Beliefs
This system largely works on redirecting harmful thoughts to create new healthy patterns. It requires some self awareness and introspection.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy
- Identify Troubling Conditions or Situations
- Step Back from Your Thoughts
- Accept Your Thoughts
This system works on pushing one to gain perspective using an altered point of view. It focuses on using self awareness and self affirming behaviors to create new healthy thought patterns.
Improving feelings of self-worth is a process with less concrete steps. Often, when one improves their self-esteem, then self-worth will follow. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, deciding on personal standards, and removing toxic relationships can help create a pattern where self-worth increases on its own. The contrast of a healthy relationship over an unhealthy one can be very motivating, even if maintaining healthy relationships require work. Once firm boundaries and standards are decided upon, using steps very similar to the ones listed above will help in creating healthy thought patterns about self-worth.
Self-esteem and self-worth issues can be very common; our collaborators at Stars have shared their struggles with negative self-esteem and self-worth in the previous post, now they will share how they have worked to make positive changes in their own lives.
"I mentioned having a serious streak of bravado. I can be cocky at times. I was very willful and particular as a child; I had things I loved doing no matter how poorly I might do them. I am genetically predisposed to being stubborn like that. I found over time that I had some talents that really made me happy. I was naturally good at science, cooking, painting, and writing. I often indulged in these things for my own happiness. It made it very hard for anyone to take those things away from me or shake how I felt. I could be criticised for them, but some part of me is an asshole enough to say 'Fuck you. I love doing this.' That turned out to be a blessing in many ways. The abusive romantic relationship I was in put me in a situation where I was slowly giving up all these dreams I had, because they didn't feel possible anymore. The one I didn't give up on was culinary school. I knew I was good at cooking and I loved doing it. It was my calm in the storm, so I never ever let anyone convince me I shouldn't do it. It wasn't about good or bad, because it was about my love of doing it rather than the end result.
My self-worth was not as durable. I still struggle with that a fair amount. I have to remind myself that healthy relationships do not keep a score, and that if you treat others as you wish to be treated, then you set a standard with more than words. I might not feel like I deserve some of the kindness and gentleness I have received, but I do generally expect to be treated as I treat others, so being kind is a very reasonable expectation. External validation helps, but so does the bravado a little bit. It helps to fake the self confidence I don't have until I can sit for a bit to rationalize things. The difference in my life and my happiness now versus about seven years ago is night and day. I would not go back to that for anything, which helps me see that this is better even if I am sometimes insecure. Being a little selfish is a good thing sometimes. I can't say I feel I deserve to be respected all the time, but I don't mind demanding that respect anyways. It creeps into my job a lot. I work hard, but sometimes I have to channel my inner diva a little when I feel anxious or guilty for asking for things." -D.M.
Improving feelings of self-worth is a process with less concrete steps. Often, when one improves their self-esteem, then self-worth will follow. Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, deciding on personal standards, and removing toxic relationships can help create a pattern where self-worth increases on its own. The contrast of a healthy relationship over an unhealthy one can be very motivating, even if maintaining healthy relationships require work. Once firm boundaries and standards are decided upon, using steps very similar to the ones listed above will help in creating healthy thought patterns about self-worth.
Self-esteem and self-worth issues can be very common; our collaborators at Stars have shared their struggles with negative self-esteem and self-worth in the previous post, now they will share how they have worked to make positive changes in their own lives.
"I mentioned having a serious streak of bravado. I can be cocky at times. I was very willful and particular as a child; I had things I loved doing no matter how poorly I might do them. I am genetically predisposed to being stubborn like that. I found over time that I had some talents that really made me happy. I was naturally good at science, cooking, painting, and writing. I often indulged in these things for my own happiness. It made it very hard for anyone to take those things away from me or shake how I felt. I could be criticised for them, but some part of me is an asshole enough to say 'Fuck you. I love doing this.' That turned out to be a blessing in many ways. The abusive romantic relationship I was in put me in a situation where I was slowly giving up all these dreams I had, because they didn't feel possible anymore. The one I didn't give up on was culinary school. I knew I was good at cooking and I loved doing it. It was my calm in the storm, so I never ever let anyone convince me I shouldn't do it. It wasn't about good or bad, because it was about my love of doing it rather than the end result.
My self-worth was not as durable. I still struggle with that a fair amount. I have to remind myself that healthy relationships do not keep a score, and that if you treat others as you wish to be treated, then you set a standard with more than words. I might not feel like I deserve some of the kindness and gentleness I have received, but I do generally expect to be treated as I treat others, so being kind is a very reasonable expectation. External validation helps, but so does the bravado a little bit. It helps to fake the self confidence I don't have until I can sit for a bit to rationalize things. The difference in my life and my happiness now versus about seven years ago is night and day. I would not go back to that for anything, which helps me see that this is better even if I am sometimes insecure. Being a little selfish is a good thing sometimes. I can't say I feel I deserve to be respected all the time, but I don't mind demanding that respect anyways. It creeps into my job a lot. I work hard, but sometimes I have to channel my inner diva a little when I feel anxious or guilty for asking for things." -D.M.
