Control: How Control factors into Abuse (Trigger Warning: CSA, Suicide, domestic violence)

     There is no doubt that control factors in to abuse. It can take different forms and result in different types of trauma but control is often one of the main tools abusers have at their hard. I know readers who are working through their own trauma probably feel this is incredibly obvious, so this section is more for loved ones than survivors.

    Control can be physical, emotional, financial, sexual, reproductive, or social. It can be exerted in many ways, some more obvious and other more subtle. Abusers will often use this control to ensure their victims behavior or silence. It can be as overt as holding a weapon to their body or as insidious as convincing the victim that they are always being watched. Its common for people who leave abusive situations to be asked why they didn't leave sooner. Control is why. Their abuser had assumed a level of control that is hard to explain to others who haven't lived through the experience.

How do you leave if you have no money? 

Where do you go if you have no support group? 

When do you run if you are never alone? 

How do you stop someone bigger or stronger than you? 

How do you escape your own mind when they have twisted your reality?

What do you do if no one believes you? Or worse, they think you deserve this?

What do you do when its your boss or parents?

    Every survivor will have a personal story and the control their abuser had will vary. Its never as easy as just walking away. The act of walking away can be the most dangerous time in some cases, abusers thrive on the silence of their victims.

    " There are too many examples I could give and so I am going to use my personal one.

What would you do to protect your family? To ensure you had a place to live and food on the table?

Those are the questions I had to grapple with as a child because of my abuser. Adult me can see the lies but as an eight year old I couldn't. I loved my family and I knew we struggled. I didn't want my siblings to go hungry and I didn't want to be homeless. I didnt understand what was happening really, because not all sexual abuse is intrinsically painful.

What would you do?

Or the first person I told who would then tell me I would be all alone if I left him. I was young and naive but I had already had the police dismiss me and I was actively suicidal. It was stay or struggle worse if I was alone. I stayed... until he hit me. I wasn't sure if I would kill myself but I was sure he would kill me if I stayed.

I didn't have control of my home life. I didn't have control of my support group (family) and I didn't feel like I had control of my own narrative." - D

Control: Maintaining a healthy level of control

    Its not enough to regain control, it has to be maintained to find security and safety. 

 How to regain control as a survivor can be just as varied as the initial source of trauma. There are healthy types of control such as:

• Taking ownership of the narrative, telling your story out loud
• Establishing boundaries in existing relationships
• Creating distance or going no contact with abusers
• Self actualizing and self work
• Starting over fresh
• Therapy (multiple types)
• Exposure Therapy
• EMDR

    Maintaining this level of control will take consistent, imperfect actions until a habit is formed and likely routine maintenance after that. Ultimately self actualization and working on boundaries is necessary.

    Self actualization is the process by which an individual reaches their full potential. There are multiple stages to this process based on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. It starts with physiological needs, moves up to safety needs, then loving and belong, then esteem, and finally self actualization.

    Some of the simple ones such as air, water, food, shelter, sleep, and clothing can present their own challenges depending on the availability of resources or a history of self neglect. Progress is not always linear because you can find love and belonging but struggle with material needs or safety needs. Everyone's journey will vary depending on what resources they have available at the start of the journey.

Ultimately though the journey is about prioritizing your own wellbeing and accepting responsibility for your own needs, accomplishments, and shortcomings.

    Boundaries will also be needed to protect a sense of safety and ensure needs are being met. This can be especially difficult for some and needs practice for most to be effective. It can be hard to speak out and demand the respect your boundary deserves. Additionally boundaries are about what you will tolerate not your control of others.

"I will not allow you to yell at me. I am leaving" versus " You are not allowed to yell at me."

Accepted that other people have free will and will behave badly at times is part of the process. Its not necessarily an enjoyable part of the process but coming to terms with the difference will help build stronger boundaries and a sense of self worth.

Okay, but how do I maintain a healthy level of control?

Start small and work your way up. It will take consistent imperfect practice to make habits and even then you will likely still need to work on some things more than others.

1. Base Needs - Have you gotten enough sleep? Eaten a proper meal? Drank enough water? Took a shower?

  > "At first, you may need to make a checklist to help yourself remember these things or even set timers on your phone. I still use my list when I am having a bad day. Being hungry can really wreck your day." - D.M.

2. Safety Needs - Do you feel safe? If not, how can you create a sense of safety in your daily life?

> "There has been points in my life where this was hiding in my closet for ten minutes to reset. Sometimes I cant sleep and I need to plan out our budget for six months to feel secure. Does it feel crazy sometimes... absolutely... but I am the person who has to live in my head and the peace is worth it." - D.M.

3. Love and Belonging- Have you put effort in to foster a healthy, loving relationship? Do you need to reach out to a support group to begin building community? When was the last time you texted or called that friend who cares about you?

 > " This one can be a struggle when all my energy is sapped. I have saved especially sweet texts from people I love on my phone to help me when I really need it. Its so much easier to reach out just to say I love you then." - D.M.

4. Self Esteem - What does your self talk look like? Have you taken time today to note the things you accomplished or are you only looking at the unending to do list?

    > "I keep a gratitude journal for this purpose. I note one of each- something that made me happy today, something that made me feel accomplished, something I did for self care." - D.M.

We will be covering this more in depth in the next section as well.

Control: Regaining Control as a Survivor

 This next section is about Control which closely relates to the Safety and Security sections.

    Control seems like a very basic concept on the surface. Its simply who has the power to direct behavior or events. Control in practice can be much more nuanced and complex. It can manifest in different ways depending on the people involved or the dynamics at play. Many, if not most, survivors of trauma struggle with feeling like they do not have control or trying to take back a sense of control.

    How to regain control as a survivor can be just as varied as the initial source of trauma. There are healthy types of control such as:

• Taking ownership of the narrative, telling your story out loud
• Establishing boundaries in existing relationships
• Creating distance or going no contact with abusers
• Self actualizing and self work
• Starting over fresh
• Therapy (multiple types)
• Exposure Therapy
• EMDR

There are also unhealthy or maladaptive forms of control that some may attempt to exert such as:

• Authoritative roles in personal relationships
• Codependency
• Toxic feedback loops
• Extreme helicopter parenting
• Self sabotaging
• Lashing out at loved ones
• Destroying personal property
• Rage issues
• Self isolation
• Self harm
• Physical harm such as cutting, burning, etc.
• Putting ones self in dangerous situations
• Addictions and substance abuse
• Disordered eating (a diagnosis on its own that requires specialized treatment)

    It can be very difficult to find a balance between feeling in control and having a healthy level of control. The support available, the information about mental health, and trauma informed care can be major factors and are unfortunately not universally available. Many people stumble on a combination of healthy mechanisms and unhealthy ones as they work through trauma on their own.

    "Its hard to know where to begin because time doesn't always feel linear to me.  Early on, I know that I often felt like I had no control of my own feelings, no control over my life, no say in what happened largely in my home. Some of the first places I felt in control were in self harm. I was in control over how much it hurt, how often it hurt, where it hurt, who saw it, and who knew. 

Later I worked up the courage to tell someone what had happened. I felt so scared and so much guilt. Telling ones story can be incredible in the right setting but it is also a place of vulnerability. It means letting someone in and hoping they don't use it again you.

The first person I explicitly told about my childhood abuse ended up being my next abuser.  It tainted my ability to reach out for help again. I wish I had adults I felt I could trust but I really didn't and unfortunately my religion at the time did not help in that regard. 

For years I would look for control in the moment using the unhealthy mechanisms. It would feel like I was drowning and then for a moment I would lash out and suddenly people saw me and my pain. This contributed to my breakdown in my relationship with J and was ultimately a pattern I did not want to repeat with my now husband.

 It took a dear friend reaching out to be like "You know I am a broken mess but right now you are worse than me. You need help. Please see a therapist." He was right. I made the appointment and started making an effort on learning healthy mechanisms AND putting them in practice consistently.

Healthy coping mechanisms take more work. They are harder because they are something you have to consistently, imperfectly practice until its a habit. It is worth it though because I get to have normal relationships now and I don't feel like I need to hurt myself. I am the closest to consistently happy that I have ever been now."  - D

    Therapy is not the only way to gain healthy coping mechanisms but it can be an enormously helpful tool if it is available to you. There are many self help books, support groups, youtube channels, and blogs dedicated to helping people gain the tools they need.

    "One of the simplest, note simple not easy, things you can do to start this journey is paying attention to your self talk. How do you talk to yourself in your head or when you are alone? Would you let someone speak to a friend or loved one the same way? Probably not.

You have value. You have worth. You deserve to be happy. You are good enough as you are and your best should be measured against where you started not against someone else's successes.

Being kind to yourself sounds so simple but its a hard habit to engrain. However, once you stop being your own worst critic, it becomes easier to accept when others say something kind to you. 

That being said, self actualization is the next step and being honest, but kind, about your own flaws and shortcomings can be even more difficult. I can be this super kind, hardworking, generous person but I can also be a selfish bitch at times. I am both and that is okay because in the future I can make the choice which version of me I am going to act on. It also means owning up to what I did when I was selfish... and its turns out sometimes my selfish was just a boundary others didn't care for." - D

For Loved Ones

How can you help your loved one feel like they have control?

Consistency, Kindness, and Patience. 

Consistently give them space to express emotions, fears, and experiences. Respond with empathy and never use trauma against them or as leverage in a disagreement.

Be kind and patient. It can take months or even years for someone with severe trauma to come to fully trust that you are a safe place. It isn't personal and you are not being "punished" for someone else's behavior, its about survival and over time trauma literally rewires the brain. It takes time to undo that.

If you are not in a place to provide a consistent safe place over an extended period of time then you need to have a talk with your loved one to set expectations and maybe create a system that allows you both to tap out as needed.

"I know that saying to someone "I love you but I don't think I can deal with your mental illness" has to be a scary moment. My husband said this to me early in our time together and while it did sting to hear, I appreciated his honesty because it let me set my expectations. Over the years he put in the effort to learn more about my mental health, what I actually needed from a partner, and to work on his own issues. In the end, he is an excellent partner to me and handles my mental illness well but we both needed time to work on ourselves to reach this place." - D

Safety and Security: Therapy & Self Help

 This section on safety and security is intended to discuss the ways in which survivors can regain a sense of security after losing their sense of safety. It can be useful for survivors and their loved ones. Each person will have a unique experience as they seek to regain a sense of security, simply because the loss of security is incredibly personal.

In the previous posts on safety and security, we have gone over the ways you can feel unsafe and what way security can be regained. This post is about the emotional and mental tools one can gain to move past the fear and build security.

There are many types of therapy available and personal work one can do to help move past trauma. Research is being done on a variety of new therapies that use various substances to aid in therapy such as ketamine and mushrooms. The exact combination of therapy and perhaps medication that works for one person may not work as well for another. It can be a journey. (I talk about my own journey with medication in the Vlog: A Chat About Med Changes” - DM)

The most common therapy that people with severe anxiety or hypervigilance seem to get is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy which focuses on thought patterns and building in tools to cope with those patterns or problems. This is different from therapy to process trauma which may utilize EMDR. 

“I found a therapist who was an excellent fit for me and my particular constellation of symptoms to work with when I finally gave in to needing therapy. The goal was always to add more tools to my personal toolbox so I could move through my emotions to be functional.

One of the biggest tools was learning to step back from my emotions and work on rationalizing out my anxiety and fears. There are days it works better and days it doesn’t work very well, but keeping perspective that my feelings are valid but not necessarily a true reflection of reality is important. We have a saying in our house - Your mental illness is lying to you. 

It helps to remember this when I am feeling particularly scared, whether its of myself or the world around me. When my brain says “You aren’t safe.” I have to reply “Why not? Explain it to me.” and more often than not we get into clearly irrational levels of unlikely scenarios.

There are risks to leaving home but the odds of those risks are low. I am far more likely to get in a car accident than attacked by a strange man while looking at strawberries in the grocery store. That being said, the realistic risk that each person faces depends on their location and society, but the ability to rationalize what is a realistic risk and what is not helps me decide if my mental illness is lying to me. 

And if I am being lied to it. It makes me want to prove the liar wrong. Spite gets me through what stubbornness has not. Sometimes that means telling my agoraphobia to fuck off because I want to see my friend and sometimes that means just getting out of bed to shower. Because you know what… ptsd likes to tell me I am not worth it and that I'm failing but I am worth it and I am not failing. My level of success is not measured by what others can do but by how far I have grown on my own journey. I am here. I am alive longer than I though I would be. And most days… I am HAPPY with my life. 

My mental illness is a liar but I can use my rationality to help me move past those lies and that is the greatest tool I gained from my self work and therapy. The ability to rationalize the fear and make decisions based outside emotion.

Well that, and working past my fear of medication. ”  - DM

Therapy can be a great way to learn new tools but it is not the only option. Therapy can be difficult for some to access for any number of reasons. There are some excellent self help resources if you want to start on this journey.

Some of the most amazing resources allow you to access workbooks, toolkits, and guides designed for mental health for free online. Mindremakeproject.org and  Mentalhealthathome.org both maintain lists of free therapy workbooks that can be accessed online. It may take a little time to look through their lists to find the resource that is most applicable to you.

“Technology can be an amazing tool for self help as well. I use the Calm Harm app when I am struggling with self harm ideation and an EMDR app when I need help calming down. There are also mood trackers to help you spot patterns and build healthier habits. 

I do still advocate for therapy but the work you do on yourself and by yourself can be just as important to your healing journey. - DM”

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